Shinobi of the Old Republic
by psychoman222
Summary: It is a time of Civil War. Sith Forces led By DARTH REVAN have the Republic on the brink of destruction. How can the Republic hope to stand against such a ..."Lord Revan, Why are you painting that gizka orange?" "Because Orange is awesome,-ttebayo. I think I'll Name him Gamakun." A retelling of KOTOR with our favorite ninja as Darth Revan. Nonevil!Revan!Naruto. Rated M for language
1. Prologue: First Meditation

**Shinobi of the Old Republic**

**Prologue: First Meditation**

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, Star Wars, or any of the other things i Reference. I make no money off of this. Also, the speech below is shamelessly stolen and butchered from Gihren's Funeral Speech from Gundam.

* * *

Inhale.

Peace is a lie. At one point I would have disagreed, back when I was a genin and I did not truly understand what the word meant. I know now that it means 'lack of conflict'. What I strive for is lack of war, but those are two different things. War is violence and hatred. Conflict is either two entities wanting two different things, or one wanting two different things. For example, foxes eat rabbits, yet rabbits want to live. There is conflict there. Yet foxes do not hate rabbits, nor seek their annihilation, so there is no war. There is a conflict when two people debate, yet there is no violence. Through that conflict, either the truth wins out, or both sides are strengthened. Conflict is like the hammer and anvil of a forge. beating out impurities and giving strength to the steel. This is what the Echani believe, as do I. There is no peace, for to be in conflict is to be alive. To have passion, which leads to conflicts, is to be alive. Peace is a lie.

Exhale.

There is only passion. Without passion, we have no future, no life. As Master Kae is fond of saying, Apathy is death. Sai, Danzo, and the rest of ROOT showed me this. Without hunger, we would not eat. Without lust, we would not breed. Without love, compassion, sympathy, or empathy, we would not work together. Without anger or fear, we will not protect. Hatred, something which I admittedly believe to be a hinderance, is merely anger sustained over a long period. Without any one of these passions, we would be mere automatons waiting for death. Life is too precious to squander in that way. Apathy is death. In life, there is only Passion.

Inhale.

Through Passion I gain strength. Whenever I was injured, sometimes with injuries that would be considered fatal on anyone else, it was my passion, my need to protect, that made me pick myself up, dust myself off, and give it another go. Hell, I even invented a jutsu that allowed me to channel my infamous stubbornness into keeping me alive. I would have never have had the resolve necessary if not for my passion. Through Passion I gain strength.

Exhale.

Through strength I gain victory. Power, however, is not an end in and of itself. If you think that, you have lost sight of your objective. If you want power in order to, for instance, protect your lover, if you have to sacrifice them to gain said power, then what's the point? I will never understand how most 'geniuses' never figure this out. Maybe it's because the feel like their minds are used for things 'better' than introspection. I would have loved to thank Fukasaku for getting me into the practice, but unfortunately the old toad died years ago, before I realized it's importance. The importance of introspection and meditation is one of the few things I agree with the Masters on. After all, if you do not know yourself, how do you know that anything you do is what you truly want? Through strength I gain victory.

Inhale.

Through Victory, my chains are broken. When it is all said and done, and you have accomplished your goal, then all your hard work has paid off. Your burden is released, and a reprieve is earned. Of course, to live is to be in conflict, and peace is a lie. You may then take up a new goal, and be bound to it once more, or choose to sit it out, if it is not important to you. That is your freedom.

Exhale.

This is my new ninja way, the way of the Sith. My nindo has changed much over the years, conflict honing it, refining it, In ways I never expected. When I began, it was the need to be wanted, to be respected. I wished to be Hokage, because the Hokage was respected and needed. I was a mere child, and thought that the Hokage was respected and needed because he was Hokage. The reality was, the Hokage was the Hokage because he was respected and needed beforehand. When the need for acknowledgement was my nindo, i was unworthy of the title, as I wanted it for my own selfish reasons.

Inhale.

Then it became about protecting my loved ones. I had received the rude awakening that I was, from my birth, a human sacrifice. All my suffering was worth something, every minute i suffered, someone else's life was made better. Why not make it my ninja way? Of course, I had help. The help came from a friend, who never had the opportunity to cease being my enemy. His name was Haku. He was a boy, who looked like a girl who i had met the February of last year. I remember it like it was yesterday, despite being over a decade ago...

_ I was wearing that eyesore of a jumpsuit that i had decided was oh so fashionable all those years ago. _Not the color, Orange is awesome, but the design was awful. Ugh. Wait, why am i focusing on that? Maybe I hung out with Ino just a little too much in the past. Anyways..._Haku was wearing a bright pink kimono, with a black choker to conceal the Adam's Apple. _He probably got his jollies by trolling people with his androgyny. Well, i suppose taking humor from it is better than developing insecurities about it. _ I was helping him gather medicinal herbs, which i later found out was for his master, Zabuza Momochi. _

_"This guy must be pretty important to you for you to be out here alone, gathering plants for him." I said._

_"Yes. He is mine. My own. My prrrreeeecioussssssss..." Haku then coughed twice, making a sound like "Ollum! Ollum!"_

Wait, I don't think it went like that. Maybe I need the ship's doctor to adjust my prescription again. That or someone tried to poison me again. When are they going to learn that only makes me loopy for a couple of hours, due to my freakish immune system? Then again, maybe that was the point. In that case, it was most likely Malak, seeking revenge. Long story short, I spiked his Juma on Nar Shadda and left him there, as a joke, and, well...let's just say he came out of it with his jaw needing to be amputated and a strange phobia of Gizka. I'm not sure I want to know.

Exhale.

But I'm digressing. When I was apprenticed to Ero-Sennin, that desire to protect expanded to include all of the Elemental Nations. An impossible task. But I thrived on impossible tasks. Once completed, I once again looked for something to do, as the world was not enough. Then, an admittedly arrogant thought struck, but it was the only one that gave me purpose. Why settle for taking away the pain of those in the Elemental Nations? Why not try to take away the pain of everyone, everywhere, forever? What was the point in being a human sacrifice if it meant someone other than me was going to suffer anyway? Needless to say, I failed. For years, i felt I had no purpose. I felt i was a failure. And then I met the Jedi. I was already a sage, and could use Nature energy like they could. I felt I belonged. Until they tried to enforce their bullshit code on me.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_There is no chaos, there is serenity._

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._

_There is no death, there is the Force._

That first line reminds me way too much of ROOT for me to ever be comfortable with it, not to mention completely incorrect. If it said "One should always seek to control one's emotions and seek peace", I would be right behind it. But it doesn't. Same with chaos and serenity. The other two I don't really have a problem with.

Thankfully, I met a kindred spirit with Master Kae. She took her job as an instructor seriously. If I had a question, she would answer. If she did not know, she would find out, clearance be damned. None of that "Because I'm your Master and I said so." She taught me kenjutsu, and how to build a lightsaber. (My first and favorite is, of course, orange. Still have it, which is uncommon among Jedi, considering I made it a decade and two wars ago. Normally they are destroyed left and right. But, I follow Shinobi Rule #2, Always Maintain Your Equipment, Especially Orange Laserswords of Awesome. ) I did missions alongside her for five years, until she was excommunicated. Her crime? Having a daughter. Brianna was adorable, even though I had to change a few of her diapers. I don't know what happened to either of them, unfortunately. The Council then assigned me to Master Zhar. Decent enough guy, but no Master Kae, and I took it out on him. No violence or raised voices, but a subtle prank here and there, pushing the limits of what I could get away with, that kind of thing. He expected it, apparently it is not uncommon for apprentices to bond with their masters in such a way, and he bore my insolence stoically. Like I said, Decent guy. Toed the party line though, so it was difficult to engage him in a good old fashioned, no holds barred debate, like I enjoyed with Master Kae and Ero-sennin.

Then the Mandalorian Wars came.

Inhale.

I pleaded with the Masters, to just let me help. But they said no. I had to sit there, and **feel**_** each and every person die**_, so the Masters could keep their hands clean. I quit the Order right then and there. Hundreds, no, thousands of Jedi, similarly compelled to help, joined me.

I remember the speech I gave well.

_I, in Republic armor, wearing a Jedi Robe like a long-coat over it, stood up to the podium. hundreds of cameras were on me. but i felt no nervousness._

_**"People of the Republic. We have lost several worlds to The Mandalorians, but does this signal our defeat? NO! It is a new beginning. The amount of Jedi fighting is merely 1/30th of their forces. So how is it that we are holding them back? IT IS BECAUSE OUR GOAL IS A RIGHTEOUS ONE! It has been over fifty years since Exar Kun, consumed by hatred, first turned the Mandalorians against us. We want our freedom. Never forget the times when the Mandalorians have trampled us! We, the Galactic Republic, have had a long and arduous struggle to achieve freedom for all citizens of our great nation. Our fight is sacred, our cause divine. We must send them a message, but not composed of words. We have wasted too much time with words. We need action now. The Mandalorians must be taught a strong lesson for their evil corruption. This is only the beginning of our war. Many of your fathers and brothers have perished valiantly in the face of a contemptible enemy. We must never forget what the Mandalorians have done to our people! By focusing our anger and sorrow, we are finally in a position where victory is within our grasp, and once again, our most cherished nation will flourish. Victory is the greatest tribute we can pay those who sacrifice their lives for us! Rise, our people, Rise! Take your sorrow, and turn it into anger! The Republic thirsts for the strength of its people! GLORY TO THE REPUBLIC!"**_

_There was a massive bout of applause, although i could have sworn one person started screaming "SEIG ZEON!", whatever that means._

And then we kicked Mandalorian ass.

However, that was only the beginning. Once the Mandalorians were defeated (and I stole their leader's helmet),I quickly discovered that they were a mere expeditionary force, and the real threat had yet to arrive. The Sith. It would be a few decades, more than enough time to prepare. I tried informing the Jedi council, but they blew me off. I was a mere deserter after all. I then tried the Republic, but they were too eager to get back to normalcy, and potential invasions are bad PR.

So I did what I had to. I had to do things the Shinobi way. I learned the Sith ways, in order to learn their tactics. But the Sith Code made too much sense to me, it completed my nindo. But I had a job to do. The forces loyal to me learned Sith tactics, in hopes we could pose as OPFOR (Opposing Forces, a term to mean people who play "the enemy" during training war-games), and essentially give the Republic a flu shot. Inject with a small amount of virus in order to get the body used to fighting it.

However, it is like giving a flu shot to someone with AIDS.

Meaning, we are completely wiping the floor with them, even _with_ me pulling the punches.

Exhale.

Hmm. My Sage senses are tingling. I wake up from my trance, just as a trooper opens the door. How rude, he didn't even knock. It had better be an emergency, like, say, a team of Jedi sent to assassinate me who somehow made it past all of my Dark Jedi and hundreds of troopers specially trained to take down Jedi. Pfft. Like that'll happen.

"Lord Revan, a team of Jedi sent to assassinate you somehow made it past all of the Dark Jedi and hundreds of troopers specially trained to take down Jedi, and are headed towards the bridge!"

Well, Shit.

* * *

AN. The Scene with Haku being possesed by Gollum from Lord of the Rings, is actually a satire of how all authors use the "precious people" line like it's going out of style, when in reality, the word is very rarely used.

Don't worry, How Naruto got to Star Wars-verse, and why he isn't looking for his friends, will be explained in time.

Also, My Revan!Naruto will be semi-canonical. Meaning, while he may have bouts of depression and ruthlessness, he is never Emo or sadistic, and is most of the time a Hammy Cloud-Cuckoolander/bunny-ears lawyer wiseass, with occasional Sagaciousness for seasoning.

Basically, a not-quite-as-perverted Jaraiya with a lightsaber.


	2. Prologue: Conflict

RaxyChaz: The point of the monolouge was to show just how Naruto made the leap from Messianic Shinobi to Dark Lord of the Sith, and just why he follows a creed which, if I did not go in depth to interpret each line, appears to run completely counter to canon, and gives his thoughts on the matter. It also provides some forshadowing, which many may assume was a throwaway gag. Basically, it is to set up the background.

Raizen: Yes, he can use chakra. He will only do so when he's not being observed, as it's his ace in the hole, but he can and will use it. Same for Demon Chakra. As for Kyuubi, he can use it's chakra, but he won't ever speak with him. The reason for this will be in a later chapter.

StormSusanoo: Sorry, I can only meet you halfway. Revan will be betrayed by Malak, but as for mind wiping... well, just read the chapter.

Disclaimer: Once Again, I own absolutely nothing.

* * *

**_Shinobi of the Old Republic_**

**_Prologue: Confrontation_**

I swiftly made my way to the bridge, wearing my Supreme Sith Robes Of Super Badassery. The armor pieces used to be orange, but during the war, they got so stained with blood they turned burgundy.(Once again, thank Ino for teaching me what burgundy even _is_.) Hey, you try staying clean in a jungle while being shot at, and the dude next to you just stepped on a land mine.

That was on a _good_ day.

Thankfully, I managed to make it to the bridge before the intruders do, and so I wait for them by staring out the window _like a boss_. Hey, it's not every day people decide to invade the Dark Lord of the Sith's flagship. I gotta keep up appearances.

Oh wait, they're here. Let's see, five... Knight, Knight, Padawan, Knight, Padawan.

...WHAT THE HELL?! NOT EVEN A FRICKIN' MASTER? DON'T THEY KNOW WHO I AM? THEY MUST NOT KNOW WHO I AM! I'M THE JUGG...er, THE DARK LORD, BITCH!

The only Dark Jedi on the bridge, Orso Antilles, I believe, rushes them. He is dead five seconds later. Good riddance. He was, how you say, kind of a dick. The padawan who took him out pants heavily. As soon as she regains her breath she says, "You cannot win, Revan!"

Oh wow, she took out one Dark Jedi, who wasn't particularly tough, and she thinks she's hot shit. She's looking at me expectantly, which makes me realize I missed a cue.

"Oh, is this where I start monolouging? Oh, okay. Blah, Blah, Blah, DARK SIDE! Blah, Blah, Blah, MY PLANS WILL BE COMPLETE! BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! There, you happy?" I say.

The thing I love about the Sith? They turned pissing people off into _a martial art._ One, thanks to my own natural aptitude, and from observing Kakashi, I excel in. Judging from the Padawan who spoke, who was giving me a death glare while gritting her teeth, I was succeeding.

Excellent.

However, she quickly regained her composure and appeared to enter a trance. And then the other four were on me.

It took me only a second to realize she was trying to put me under a genjutsu. A subtle demoralizing genjutsu. Due to my own stubbornness, It barely affected me, but it was a distraction. The other Jedi seemed to fight like frickin' berserkers. As i ignited a red lightsaber, one of my spares, (my real one is safely stored elsewhere) I realized what was going on, and who that padawan was.

Bastila Shan. Specializes in Battle Meditation. A holier than thou prude. Back in the Order, I once got her a 'meditation detention' because I switched her lightsaber with a vibrator while she wasn't looking. The look on her face was _priceless_. Her Master's even more so. Good times, good times.

Anyways, all you need to do to disrupt Battle Meditation (I am not a complete novice at the art myself) is to disrupt the concentration of the meditator. _I have an Idea... _

Using my Super Ninja Speed, I quickly ran over to her, and copped a feel.

"Honk, Honk."

The look on her face was priceless. You could see anger, shock, and even a little enjoyment. Basically, every other thought in existence except 'keep up the Battle Meditation'. The four chumps were a piece of cake for my Djem-So(my favorite kenjutsu style) skills after that.

Word to the wise, in my experience, all you need to succeed in life are Stubbornness, Creativity, and Audacity.

That just left Bastila Shan. Or is that Bastila-chan? Heh heh.

Aaaand the Artillery bombardment from out of frickin' NOWHERE!

Actually, from my ability to sense emotion that I gain from sage mode, as well as Kyuubi's Chakra, It probably came from Malak, and his flagship, _Leviathan._ Well, Shit. He must've been _**really **_pissed about the Nar Shadda Incident.

Okay, taking stock of my surroundings, half the bridge is gone, and the only thing keeping this room pressurized is the fallen debris. A good portion of which is on top of me. And a much smaller portion going through one of my kidneys. Eh, It'll heal. I'll probably have to aggravate it in order to get out from under here, but small price to pay.

Using my shinobi strength, amplified by nature energy, I lift the debris off of me, and I get out from under it. Bastila-chan is in a similar predicament, but fewer and less serious wounds, yet nowhere near as much badassery, so she's stuck.

Damn my bleeding heart. In more ways than one. The piece of rebar in between my ribs is causing me to leak like a sieve. I'm starting to get a bit woozy, now that i think about it. I help Bastila out for under the debris.

She looks up at me in shock.

"W-Why?"

I respond,"Just because I'm a Dark Lord, does not mean I'm an asshole."

And apparently, the exertion combined with blood loss are to much for me, because I zonk out right then and there.

As a shinobi, I've made it kind of a habit to wake up without making it apparent I've woken up. That allows you to eavesdrop, and gain some situational awareness.

"Masters, with all due respect, he saved my life when he didn't have to, even though it was not in his best interest. I believe he may one day be redeemed."

Oh, that's nice, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm so glad I may _one day_ be forgiven by a bunch of sanctimonious, emotionless bastards who allowed millions to die so that they could see if there was a deeper threat by _meditating_, instead of, you know, _reconnaissance,_I mean, I get the importance of introspection, but it doesn't tell you more than you already know. And then they dismiss the idea of that greater threat as impossible once I state that there _is_, just because I get the fucking job done rather than sit on my ass!

No, I'm not bitter, what gave you that Idea?

"While your compassion is to be commended, Padawan-"

No, it isn't . It's forbidden by the code. _There is no emotion, there is peace_, remember? And you can't spell compassion without passion.

"-This is our only chance to win the war against the Sith. We must erase is Identity as Darth Revan, so he may lead us to the Star Forge, the source of the Sith's power."

Have any of you guys just tried asking? I mean, It's not like I don't have the schematics memorized, just in case I ever needed another one. And it's not like I'm in control of the one that is already there. And I'm not inclined to do Malak a solid and keep my mouth shut, after he shot me in the ass with an anti-ship cannon. Of course, now that you assholes openly admit to wanting to completely wipe out my memories,( you know, the worst fate for someone I can imagine, And I had to put up with a Demon Lord for most of my life, so i can think up a quite a few nasty ones) I'm even less inclined to do _you_ a solid, so don't bother asking _now_. Not that you will. Even though you assholes may wind up wiping the part of me that knows where it is.

Also, the source of the Sith's power? Bullshit. It just makes warships cheaper and faster. Handy, but we'd still be a threat without it.

"Begin the procedure."

Dumbasses. They are unaware of several things.

One, better than them have tried. Like, say, the Kyuubi.

Two, Nature energy is directed by willpower. I'm more stubborn than they are.

Three, I'm sneakier than they are.

Four, I have a memory storage seal. It was initially designed to let me memorize things more efficiently, but it will work well enough to keep backup memories stored, just in case they actually pull it off.

It was child's play to hold on to my memories, while convincing them they succeeded in brainwashing me.

You see, I picked up a lot of things from Ero-sennin. A lot of people think he is the worst person at stealth in the world. He wears his heart out on his sleeve, wears bright clothing, he speaks and acts before he thinks, and has little self control (sound like someone else? It should). They forget he was Konoha's _best_ infiltration specialist and spymaster. And what do you think he was teaching me those three years together? Sure as hell wasn't ninjutsu.

So, I'll do the Shinobi thing, and put that training to good use. Play along. Bide my time. When the time comes, I'll do what I always do.

End the war.

Protect those who need it.

And be their fucking Messiah.

But for now, Darth Revan must lay low, for now, there is only Uzumaki Naruto, Smuggler conscripted by the Republic Navy.

Yeah, the morons didn't even give me a different name. Although they assume my clan name is my given name, and vice-versa.

Idiots.

* * *

AN. The name Orso Antilles was picked at random. Also, The surname Antilies is fairly common on Alderaan, like Jones or Smith. So no, I did not just bump off Wedge's great-great-great-great-great-great-you-get-the-idea-grandpa, nor that Wedge is secretly force sensitive. Well, okay, If you're going that far back, it's a statistical possibility that he's somehow related, but it's not a plot point.

If any of you think Naruto Is kinda heartless, being so nonchalant about a comrades' death, he kind of has to be, at this point. He's been a Commander sending troops to their death for years, and his army has tendencies for Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, although he's been keeping it in check. Expect an explosion of CBD now that Malak's in charge.

If you think Naruto's not giving the Jedi a fair shake, keep in mind his experience with suppressing emotions extends to ROOT and all those shinobi who consider themselves nothing but tools, not monks. In his mind, suppressing emotions leads to Sais and Danzos and Zabuzas.

Also, he's a shinobi. They are very security conscious, even the most minor of threats are taken very seriously, and they are trained to try and nip them in the bud. People neglecting a potential threat because it's not likely, not to mention an actual proven threat, is nothing more than an absolutely criminal dereliction of duty, bordering on treason, in his mind.


	3. Prologue: TGFDRAOWB

Darth Xion: Oh, don't worry, he has a plan. Keep in mind, he expected to lose against the Republic when he first formed the Sith. The Sith have always been expendable to him, and they are hardly his only resource. Just the one that is most obvious. He is a spymaster, after all. They have assets like squirrels have nuts. Everywhere and out of sight. Besides, you missed the part where he said he knows how to build a Star Forge.

Disclaimer: Still own Nada.

* * *

_**Shinobi of the Old Republic**_

_**Prologue: Thank God For D-Ranks and Old War Buddies**_

One Month Later...

You know, If it weren't for D-rank missions, I would have been completely unprepared for the Navy. Because out of all the conscripts sent to the _Endar Spire,_ I got the shit jobs. After all, I _was_ that scumbag smuggler caught selling weapons to Mon Calamari ecoterrorist group, who only joined up to avoid prison. Never mind the fact that there _is no_ Mon Calamari ecoterrorist group. I'm pretty sure someone "in the know" is having a chuckle about having the Dark Lord of the Sith on latrine duty.

It wasn't all bad, though. I made a friend.

_I was halfway finished cleaning the current seat. A less experienced me would have busted out the shadow clones, and been done in five minutes. But I knew the importance of keeping a low profile. So I bore with it. A man, Brunette with a rather impressive beard, joined me in scrubbing. He was also wearing an awesome jacket. Orange, showing a man of good taste._

_"So, what'd you do, to get this shitty job? Break dress code?" I said, nodding towards the impressive, but definitely non-regulation jacket._

_He laughed. "Nah, just thought you could use a hand."_

_"Well, that's neighborly of you. But unnecessary."_

_"I disagree. I saw your records. No disciplinary action, but you pulled this duty every single time it came up. That's not right. This kind of duty should be spread out."_

_"Well, I am the no good Smuggler."_

_"Doesn't matter. Besides, if you were as 'no good' as you had claimed, you would've complained by now. And someone who was 'no good' wouldn't have been on the front lines during the previous war."_

_"What makes you think I was?"_

_"I remember you. Dxun, Operation Monkey Jump."_

_Oh, I remember that one, all right. I named it in tribute to Old Man Hokage, and his son Asuma. Well, that and we were in a jungle, where monkeys frequent, and we were there to stop the Mandalorians from "jumping" from Dxun to Onderon. I lost my robe at some point in the chaos, leaving me with only standard Republic armor. He must think I was just a grunt, then._

_"You were an officer, i could tell that much."_

_Okay, maybe not._

_" But you did grunt work, just like the rest of us. Personally made sure we were doing okay, while pretending to be a grunt, in order to find the real story, and not lip service."_

_By then, we had finished. "In fact, I recall you helping me out in a similar situation. I had just gotten this jacket from my wife, and I wore it everywhere. An officer stuck me with KP for being out of regs."_

_I remember him now. "Carth, right?" He wouldn't shut up about his wife and kid back then. "How's the family doing?"_

_His previously friendly face turned to ice. _

_"Killed by the Sith Bombardment of Telos two weeks ago."_

_**Goddammit Malak!**_

_He changed the subject before I could say anything. "So, you could say I'm just returning the favor. By the way, we haven't been formally introduced. Carth Onasi, Captain of the Endar Spire."_

_"Naruto Uzumaki, and you stole my shtick."_

_He laughed. "That I did. But I thought it was Uzumaki Naruto."_

_"It is, if you're where I'm from. There, It's customary to introduce yourself Surname first. Some mindless bureaucrat put it down that way before I could get the hang of introducing myself the way you're familiar with."_

_He nodded."I see. Well, I'd better get back to the bridge. Some Jedi showed up around the same time you did, and she's worse than my mother-in-law."_

_I couldn't resist. "Busty-la Chan, right? I heard about her. Sounds like a bitch."_

_He snorted, trying to contain his laughter. "I think it's pronounced Bastila Shan, and yes, she is. Which is why I need to go rescue my crew from her." _

_"I'll get started on the petition for your medal for such selfless sacrifice." I said to him as he walked out._

_"I appreciate it!" He called back._

And so I made a friend. The other crewmen backed off now that I was a war buddy of the captain's , and not some deadbeat smuggler.

Of course, all good things came to an end when the Red Alert klaxons started wailing, on a routine mission to Taris. Yeah, turns out the Sith have a fleet stationed there since Republic Intelligence last checked.

I think we're gonna need a bigger boat.


	4. Prologue: Battle Plan

Disclaimer: Still nothing.

I honestly never expected this story to be this popular. Up for barely a week, and it has 2.5 k hits, 20 reviews, and 65 people have marked it as one of their favorites. And we're not not even out of the prologue. All I can say is , HOLY CRAP and thank you.

Now, In order to reward you for your support, I bring you this brief snippet to tide you over until the main chapter is complete. I already have a mostly complete future chapter (and I mean FAR future, like, Mannan far), and a rough draft for the post-Taris interlude and one of the chapters for Dantooine, so rest assured I am working on it, and as i will have a lot of free time this following week (SPRING BREAK!), expect a few updates.

Please R&R, with examples of what you liked (or Didn't) so I may bring you more of what you love. Once again, Thank you.

* * *

**Prologue: Battle Plan**

Most officers like to think of things in terms of ratios, or shogi, or chess, or dejarik. If obtaining an advantage is worth more than it costs, they will obtain it, if not, they will not. If they have more forces, they are winning. If the forces they do have have more experience, training, or better equipment, a single unit is worth more to that score. Specific units do specific things.

Knights move in right angles, bishops in diagonals, and pawns are cannon fodder. Knights and rooks are worth more than pawns, etc.

These officers would take one look at the Endar Spire right now, surrounded by more warships, more guns, being boarded, and taken completely by surprise, and invariably sum up its chances with one word. FUCKED. No serious (Sith) casualties predicted.

I, the former Grand Admiral of the Republic Navy, an later the Sith, _**suck**_ at shogi, and chess, and dejarik.

Because Life is not chess, or shogi, or dejarik. Neither is war. Both sides do not start out equal, and pieces on the board do not just stand idly by while they are taken.

It took Asuma's death for Shikamaru to get that. It is something I have always understood.

Humans do not fall under cookie cutter specs. We do not move in only right angles, or diagonals. We do not automatically lose when our king is lost. We move wherever the hell we want, and kick and fight back when either our king or ourselves are taken. There are very few rules, and those rules that do exist can be horribly abused. If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'. The difference between rookies, officers, and vets, is that rookies haven't realized this yet. Most Officers don't try to learn this, because they have fancy colleges teaching them strategy, and think that that is all that's necessary. Vets have figured this out, and have a pretty good idea of what they get away with.

That is what I'm good at.

And as such, i disagree. The Endar spire is fucked, no two ways about it, but with the right amount of batshit insanity, we can make the attacking forces _bleed_. And they will bleed, as I have that in spades.

For I have a cunning plan, milord, that cannot fail.

You may begin running in terror now.


	5. Chapter1: Dynamic Re-Entry

Disclaimer: WARNING! THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF AWESOME! YOUR HEAD MAY EXPLODE! Also, neither Psychoman222 or Naruto condones the following use of a warship, as it may violate several arms restriction treaties. But, if you're sinking anyway, why not?

keeper of all lore: Why, I am offended. ;) Of course it follows reason... from a certain point of view. Namely, Naruto's. Or mine. whichever. Of course, most would say that neither view follows reason, but they don't pull of stunts like Naruto's going to, so screw them. Nonetheless, I don't think you'll be disappointed.

To all my glorious fans...I bring you... THE FIRST CHAPTER!

* * *

**CHAPTER 1: DYNAMIC RE-ENTRY!**

First phase of my plan: Make it to the bridge. A few squads of Sith troopers try to stop me, but my standard issue blaster rifle is more than up to the task. Carth contacts me on the comlink, asking me to make my way to the escape pods. I tell him to go without me.

"What? Why? You can make it!"

" I know I _can_, Carth. But I have a better plan. I'm going to pull a Naboo."

"Okay, I get that this is a stunt you've pulled in the past, but neither war came close to the Core. What were you doing at Naboo?"

"I wasn't. I was at Althir."

"Then why do you call it a Naboo?"

"I thought I was at Naboo at the time. Navicomputer glitch."

_Flashback_

_"I'm Afraid I can't do that, Revan."_

_"Force-Dammit Revan! Why did you pick _now _to try experimenting with AI?" Malak complained._

_I responded by taking out the Navicomputer hard drive, and shot it three times with my blaster pistol. _

_End flashback_

I made my way to the bridge, uneventfully. Well, besides me killing Malak's apprentice by chucking a grenade through a door at him, then closing he door before he could Force-toss it back at me.

The bridge crew were dead, but I don't need them to pull this off.

Phase 2: Distract Malak so he doesn't realize what I'm doing until it's too late. Malak's flagship has a holoprojector on the bridge, which we used to coordinate in the past. However, little does he know that it has a full-color option.

_On the Leviathan..._

A full color hologram of me in full Sith regalia appeared on the bridge.

"Maaalaaak...Maaaalaak...You killed me...Malaaak...I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Malak stared at the image, unimpressed.

"Oh, please. Everyone knows force ghosts are blue, like holoprojections."

"Fuuuuuck Youuuuuu...Malaaaak...I will bring you your greatest fear, Malaaaak...BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And with that, I remotely turn on the _Leviathan's_ main viewscreen to a documentary on Gizka. I can hear the girlish shriek through the vacuum of space, it's so loud. Oh, wait. The radio's still on. I shut it off.

Phase 3: Shut off the safeties for the Antimatter reactor, after making sure Carth and the others have escaped.

Phase 4: Plot a lightspeed course _through_ one of the enemy ships, after disabling the safety countermeasures preventing me from doing so.

Phase 5: Activate autopilot.

Phase 6: Activate Chakra cloak.

Phase 7: Jump out the window, angle myself towards Taris, and push off.

Okay, kiddies, Physics 101. F=MA, or Force= Mass times Acceleration.

The Endar Spire is several kilotons, so I think we can agree it has a lot of mass.

When something is going several times lightspeed, It has a crapload of acceleration.

Combine those with a matter/antimatter reaction, whatever's on the receiving end is screwed.

Combine that with the fact space is frictionless, and one of Newton's laws states that the lightspeed warship keeps on going, until enough counterforce is applied to stop it, and the force of a lightspeed warship is exponentially higher than that of a non- lightspeed warship, it takes a crapton of warships in it's way to stop it.

You ever play pool? Well, imagine the Endar spire as a pool cue, and the Sith ships the balls. Only the balls are made of glass. And the pool cue was shot out of a cannon. Also, the pool cue is soaked in nitroglycerin.

Result: One _third_ of Malak's fleet _gone._ Not counting damage caused by shrapnel.

One warship for well over Forty? I can live with that.

Trading one warship for well over forty while giving a physics lecture? Iruka-sensei would be so proud of me. Or jealous. Or both.

As I rocket towards Taris, I angle my descent, aiming for the highest concentration of Dark Side Force sensitives.

Trusting my chakra cloak to protect me, I angle my leg out, like Lee and Gai do when doing their Dynamic Entry technique.

"DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNAMIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIC..."

In the Sith headquarters, the Sith Governor is meditating, contemplating what he can do to earn a lightsaber, it never occurring to him to BUILD ONE HIMSELF.

"RE-ENTRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

I finish, as he gets kicked in the face by a terminal velocity Sith Lord/Demon Container/Ninja that just plowed through the ceiling.

Five minutes later, after several screams, blaster bolts and explosion sounds, a single man wearing Sith trooper armor comes walking out of the headquarters nonchalantly, and heads to the apartment district.

_Meanwhile, on the Leviathan..._

Malak, having recovered from his panic attack, surveyed the damage to his fleet. The _Leviathan_ remained unscathed, but a good portion of his ships did not.

"That sonovabitch just pulled a Naboo." He stated with mild surprise. That tactic died with Revan,after all.


	6. Chapter 2:Glory to the Fallen

Disclaimer: Still own nothing.

J.E.P 1996: I'm absolutely ecstatic that someone finally got some of my references. I had the Endar Spire scene planned since the beginning, but I saw Sahara a couple of days ago, and it was too perfect to not use. Also, I have never seen Pulp Fiction, so I have no Idea what I may have inadvertently quoted. If it's the thing with the Mandalorians, that's actually KotOR canon. I don't think I will post longer chapters, as the shorter ones allow people to get updated more often, and allow me to respond more flexibly to reviews. Sorry.

ChronoMitsurugi: Yes. Yes he does. However, do not think that is the most epic thing that's going to happen this story. It will be difficult, but he _WILL_ one-up himself. I promise.

* * *

**Shinobi of the Old Republic**

**Chapter 2: Glory to the Fallen**

In disguise as a Sith trooper, I head to the apartment complex where I can sense Carth's Chakra.

Outside the door, I pause. What snappy one liner do I say when i kick it down?

"Housekeeping!" Is just too cliche.

Needing inspiration, i listen at the door.

"It's okay, Ulgo." I hear Carth say. "We're going to be fine. They'll want to inspect the crash site first. I don't expect the Sith will be inspecting the Upper City apartments anytime soon."

Okay, the setup is just too perfect.

"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SITH INQUISITION!" I roar, kicking the door open. This is even more impressive because it's one of those automated sliding ones, and doesn't have a hinge.

And I am greeted by blaster fire, which I Limbo under.

"Little quick on the trigger there, Ace!" I shout at Carth.

He lowers his blaster, recognizing my voice.

"Naruto? Is that you? Why are you dressed as a Sith?"

I get back up, then remove my helmet. I briefly consider doing a hair flip, but my hair's too short, and it just isn't the same without the Barry White music.

"I was In disguise." I shrug.

I survey the room. Carth and a man who's name is... Trask Ulgo, if memory serves, are the only occupants.

Also, Trask is, shall we say,'metabolically inactive' .

"Um, Carth. You do realize you were talking to a corpse, right?"

"What? No! I mean, Trask is heavily wounded, but now that he's safe, he should be fine!" Carth exclaims, before turning towards Trask's body. Carth's face drains of color once he realizes Trask's chest isn't moving. Carth immediately begins CPR, to no avail.

"He's dead, Jim."

"He was alive just a second ago! How could he live through all that, just to die here?! It doesn't make sense!"

"Life does not make sense at the best of times, Carth, and death is just another side to life." I solemnly say.

"Oh, what are you, a frakking Jedi, spewing that philosophical crap around?!" Carth snaps. _Someone's_ not taking this well. Though, considering the month he's had, I can't blame him.

I shrug. "Used to be." that was true, at least. And not too incriminating. He already knows I served in the war, and none of those that left the Order to fight were welcomed back. However, not all of them became Sith.

That surprises him, but he doesn't comment.

"So, being a holy man, how are we going to..." He cant bring himself to say 'dispose of the corpse.'

"There Is no death, there is only the force. In non-philosophical-crap speech, that means that there is nothing we can do to the body that will mess up his afterlife. Traditionally, though, we set them on fire."

Carth mulled it over, it seemed kind of...lacking to him. I agree.

"So, what do they do on your home planet?" he asks, fishing for ideas.

"Loot the body, perform a dissection, _then_ set the body on fire." I reply. He looks at me like I grew a second head.

I shrug. "We were a very practical people. Not very sentimental, though."

Speaking of which...

"Hey Carth. Remember Operation Monkey Jump, when we were dispatched to look for that missing recon squad?

"You mean the ones that the Mandalorians killed, slit them open, stuck land mines in their body cavity, then left them out for us to find, and wound up killing Alar and Jons when the two tried to move them? That missing recon squad?"

"Yup." I say, holding up a Detpack.

He looked at me like I just kicked a puppy.

Carth has very expressive looks, I just realized.

"Oh, come on, you know it's how he would want to go. "

Carth thought about it for a minute, then realized I was right. Trask always was very...loyal to the cause.

**SCENE CHANGE**

A Sith patrol wandered about the upper reaches of Taris, a good five klicks from the apartment, when they spotted a body in a Republic Uniform.

The squad radioed in that they found the owner of the escape pod that had landed, and picked him up to bring him in.

Then Trask exploded.

Carth and I watched from a rooftop a good distance away, and I raised a bottle of Tarisian Ale in a salute.

In Pace Requiescat, Trask Ulgo.

Give em' hell on the flip side, just as you did here.

* * *

Sorry for the downer chapter, but then again, this was never meant to be a crackfic. SotOR may have moments of goofiness, and may have over the top moments, (see previous chapter for examples) but it is a story about a war and it's soldiers. That being said, I have no intention for the characters to sit around moping 24/7, and if you ever see me write about "how they have eyes that have seen to much", And people can tell how depressed the protagonist(s) are just by making eye contact. I want you guys to flame me as hard as you can. But, there is a serious story I'm trying to tell here, and it isn't all fun and games, though there are those.

PYSCHOMAN'S ENCYCLOPEDIA (AKA ENPSYCOPEDIA) ENTRY: KLICKS: 'Klick' is a shorthand term for kilometer, or 1000 meters. For those of you who are only familiar with the Imperial system, One mile = 1.6 kilometers. so five clicks is just over three miles.

EDIT: cpg468, thanks for catching that.

ENPSYCHOPEDIA ENTRY: IN PACE REQUIESCAT : Italian phrase translating to "may he rest in peace."

EDIT:Thanks Fury074, for catching my blunder.


	7. Chapter 3a: Resupply and Seduction

Disclaimer: The Idea of a non-dark goofy Revan!Naruto belongs to me. That's about it though.

J.E.P 1996: I re-updated last chapter with this comment, but I don't know that you'll go back and look, so I'm putting it here. I have never seen Pulp Fiction, so I have no Idea what I may have inadvertently quoted. If it's the thing with the Mandalorians, that's actually KotOR canon. I don't think I will post longer chapters, as the shorter ones allow people to get updated more often, and allow me to respond more flexibly to reviews. Sorry.

ChronoMitsurugi: Pretty much.

cpg468: I fixed my mistake in the footnote, thanks for catching that.

BlackRevenant: The thing with the Jedi and Sith being One Order in the past will come up.

Fury074: Whoops, you're right. In Pace Requiescat is Italian. My bad. Fixed.

* * *

**Shinobi of The Old Republic**

**Chapter 3a: Resupply and Seduction**

"Don't you think we should get a different apartment?"

"No."

"But people most likely saw Trask and I move in, and you kicked in the door. How the hell did you even _do _that, anyway? It has no hinges!"

"I'm awesome. And you're forgetting, I kicked down the door while disguised as a _Sith_. Which is why this apartment is more secure than some random one, even with the broken door. The Sith won't investigate this apartment because they think _they already __did._ Whereas any _new_ apartment we pick out might get searched at random."

"But they're going to be missing the report of the supposed search! That'll raise a red flag for sure!"

"I submitted a fake one, and besides, an..escape pod from the Endar Spire landed on their main HQ. The veracity of one report isn't a high priority for them right now."

Carth paused, and looked at me with suspicion. "How did you submit a fake report? The Sith Network is encrypted!"

"One, the guy I stole the armor from, who is in no condition to report his armor stolen, before you start asking about _that_, also had the encryption key on him, so he could _submit reports_. Two, the Sith encryption codes are actually Republic encryption codes from just before they rebelled." For the first few months they weren't, but once I realized how easily I was kicking the Republic's ass , I had them changed back, in order to give them a handicap. That was two years ago, and NOBODY, Republic or Sith, has figured this out.

Carth recoiled in shock. "You're kidding me!"

"Nope. Anyway, the apartment's as safe as we're going to get, so let's focus on resupply. Now, one of the reports I perused while i was submitting mine said that the weapon's shop may be selling permacrete detonators for "industrial use." Now, I'm not a man who will shy from a little excess firepower, so I recommend that as our first stop. After that, we stop at the local watering hole and fish for information, and after that, swing by the local clinic and see if they won't let us stock up on medical supplies. After that, we swing by a droid shop, see if they won't part with one or two. Even if It's a mere remote, those things come in handy. Then we look for survivors, as well as Busty-la. they will most likely be in the Undercity, so we may have to filch a few documents in order to get through the security checkpoints. Any Objections?"

"It's more of a plan than I had. Although, I think her name is Bastila."

"I'll call her by her name when she stops being a bitch."

"I think you're being a little unfair."

"She tried Jedi- Mind Tricking me into forgetting that I used to be a Jedi just because I offended her sensibilities." Well, if leading an opposing religious sect that she was at war with counts as offending her sensibilities, but still. Dick move.

"...As you were."

"Oh, by the way, don't mention that I am a Jedi to her. I'm trying to trick her into thinking it worked."

"Why?"

"To fuck with her head. Why else? A little mention of deja-vu here and there, a casual sagacious comment now and again, and she'll be like a Hutt around an IRS agent. It'll be hilarious."

"...Remind me never to piss you off."

"Nah, you're cool in my book, Carth."

**SCENE BREAK**

We were at the Personal Defense store (AKA the Gun Shop.) I was examining a Permacrete detonator, whilst Carth was looking at the blaster pistols.

"Hey, Naruto."

"Whassup?

"What's 'A Naboo'?"

"Oh, I just used a cruiser missile on them."

"The Endar Spire didn't have cruise missiles."

"The Endar Spire _was_ the missile."

Carth gave me one of his increasingly common WTF? looks.

"You know what? Screw it. I don't wanna know." He said after a long moment.

"Now you're catching on."

**Scene Break**

"So, gorgeous, you come here often?" I say to the slightly buzzed Sith at the cantina. She's not bad, I'd say 7 out of 10. I might've actually considered going for it, if I wasn't on the clock.

Hey, I'm not that kid for whom getting Sakura to give him a hug is the extent is the extent of his sex drive, anymore. I've gone on my fair share of seduction ops.

Speaking of which...

"Of Course! What else Am I going to do on this Force-forsaken rock! All of the locals whine and complain about the lockdown, but WE'RE just as stuck here as they are!"

"I know what you mean. It can get a little... _Frustrating_." I purr. No, Seriously. Due to having the Kyuubi in me for so long, my vocal cords have literally mutated to let me growl and all that crap.

She gives me an appraising look.

"Wanna blow off some steam?" She says, conspiratorially.

I raise my eyebrows. _That_ was easy. "With a beautiful woman like you, I'm always ready for some..._stress relief_."

"Well, I have to go on patrol in the Lower City, but when get back, some of my co-workers are throwing a party, If you want to join." Ooh, that works even better. More places for the blame to go when they find out certain documents are missing. And most likely, everyone will be too blitzed to give an accurate description if they _do_ realize it was me.

"Well," I drawl, "I _was_ hoping for a little more... _private_ an evening, but it does sound fun, in its own way. I'm game. Just let me know where to show up. Though, I might bring a friend, if that's all right. He could use a little R&R himself."

She shrugs. "The more the Merrier! Just be _here_," she writes down an address on a napkin, "by 21:00. It's a date!" she says, kissing the napkin, leaving an unmistakable lipstick mark on it, before handing it to me. I take it, and put my lips to where the lipstick mark is, and give her a wink. She laughs, and walks away, presumably to the patrol she mentioned.

"What the hell, Naruto!" Carth glowers at me.

"Hey, If you had your eyes on her, you should have said something, Bud."

Carth's eyes narrow even further. Somehow, I don't think that's his problem.


	8. Chapter 3b:More Resupply & Relationships

ChronoMitsurugi: Ugh,I _know_. The real reason I split it into two parts is because it became almost _painful_ to write. The real reason, feel, for lack of quality in some RPG games' fanfiction is that the things that are necessary, and interesting in-game (finding the best deals on equipment, customizing said equipment, building your character{stats-wise}etc.) are completely dull on paper. That, and when you're being railroaded, there's not much you can do with it and still stay faithful to the source material. Although I _do_ have a few Ideas for the whole swoop bike arc...

* * *

_**Shinobi of the Old Republic**_

_**Chapter 3B: Even More Resupply, and Relationships**_

"Well, I _would_ offer to play wingman for you, but my apprentice banned me from playing matchmaker..."

_FLASHBACK_

_I was combing through the personal ads, as I could see Malak was falling into a depression of sorts, and I felt a nice girl could help him out of it. Eventually, I saw one that looked promising._

_**Tenel Sijira**_

_**Race: Human**_

_**Location: Dathomir**_

_**Looking for: A man with low self esteem,**_

_That's Malak, alright. Maybe this girl has a thing for 'fixer uppers'._

_**Knowledgeable about the Force,**_

_Well, you don't get much more knowledgeable about the Force than a Jedi. Though I can see why that would be a concern. If she happened to know a thing or two about it, It would Be frustrating having to put up with someone ignorant about it._

_**Open Minded,**_

_Most people don't know this, but Malak is actually a very accepting person. I mean, Just look at some of the bullshit I put him through that he takes in stride. So another checkmark there._

_**Unafraid of Pain,**_

_Okay kind of a weird thing to ask, but no one who's seen Malak in battle can say he's afraid of it. I mean, He doesn't _like_ it, but who does?_

_**And willing to accept multiple partners.**_

_Holy crap, did I strike gold. I highly doubt he would complain if she brought a girlfriend along._

_So, I begin to draft a response._

_**Hello, My Name is Malak Ishtar, and I saw your ad... **_

_(Some time later)_

_" Hey, Malak. I got you a date."_

_"What?" _

_"Yeah, a cute redhead. Just be there, and be yourself."_

_(Some time later...)_

_i just got finishing a batch of cookies (yes, I cook. It's a useful skill to have, ESPECIALLY as a soldier. I mean, If all you have is a bunch of mass produced crap and what you can find in the woods, making it taste better is a high priority.) when I figured I should offer Malak and his new lady-friend some. I mean, I know Malak's not the type to push for something physical, so they're probably not doing something TOO private, so i probably won't be ' interrupting'._

_I enter his cabin, to find a very surprising sight. Malak is handcuffed to the bed, In no more than his boxers, with a ball gag in his mouth. I walk up to him and remove the gag. _

_"Hey, Malak. I made some cookies, want some?"_

_"Naruto! She's Crazy! You've got to get me out of here!" He pleads._

_"Don't be so nervous, Malak. Sex is like a Bantha. It seems like some huge thing, but it's nothing to be afraid of. "_

_"I've never heard it put THAT way before. "_

_I turn around, and from the door to the bathroom, stands his date. wearing nothing but a black corset and a matching thong, Some black Vinyl boots and gloves. Although there is something that looks like a lightsaber in her hand._

_I'm grateful for my Armor mask, as It lets me check her out without her realizing._

_"Is that a light saber?" I ask, trying to cover my pause._

_"Yes and no." She ignites it, and it comes out as a whip. I briefly consider making a light-kusari-gama, but then realize that It would be more pain that it's worth to create the scythe blade._

_"Don't worry. I have it set to a level where it won't do anything..permanent."_

_"Cool. Anyways, I just got finished making cookies. Want some?"_

_"Why yes, thank you. It's so good to meet a man who knows his place." She says, taking one._

_"And that would be?" I ask._

_"Under me." She replies. My eyebrows shoot up. Man, this girl has no inhibition. Awesome._

_"As intriguing as that prospect is, I'm afraid I've taken too much of your date as it is." As I walk out, I call "Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Not that that excludes anything."_

_As I walk away, i hear a shout of "SCREAM, SLAVE!" A loud 'whapish', and a muffled scream._

_Ahh, young love._

_(The Next morning...)_

Malak limped up to me. He looked like he just picked a fight with a Wookie. And got his ass kicked in said fight.

" i hate you. "

"Oh, you're not into...whatever she did?"

"No. Next time you find a Witch of Dathomir Matron, date her yourself. Seriously, I need a therapist now..."

That gets me thinking...

_**IMAGINE SPOT**_

_**A woman wearing a labcoat is in an armchair, while I'm laying on a couch.**_

_**"Oh, darling. I'm going to need you to tell me everything. each and every twisted fantasy. After all, only then can I make you feel good..." She gets up, and begins taking off her labcoat as saxophone music starts playing...**_

_**IMAGINE SPOT OVER**_

_Seriously, how is that not a thing? I mean there's teachers, schoolgirls, librarians, and police officers, but why not shrinks?_

_"Malak, you're a genius."_

_"Wha?"_

_I begin typing..._

_**Name: Malak Ishtar**_

_**Seeking: Nurturing girl well versed in psychology PM me at...**_

_END FLASHBACK_

"...ruto? NARUTO!"Carth screams.

"HM?! WHA? Oh."I reply, having snapped to reality again.

"Are you okay? You just zoned out for at _least_ five minutes."

"Yeah, I'm okay. It just...happens sometimes." I reply.

"Right. So before you zoned out, I was chewing you out for trying to pick up a _Sith _while we're trying to _work._"

"Exactly."

"What?"

"i was trying to pick up a _Sith_."

"Yeah! You know she's..."

"A _Sith_ who admitted she had documents allowing her to pass to the Undercity, where we're trying to go. A Sith who just admitted she was going into a situation where she would most likely end up unconscious from overdrinking, and as such leave said documents unguarded. A Sith who just admitted to going to be doing so in a place with alot of people, allowing us to pick a patsy at our leisure. A Sith who just gave us access to said situation." I interrupt.

Carth just stands, gaping like a fish, before recovering his expression, and narrowed his eyes at me. "Damn, you're _good_." He says.

"I know." I reply.

All that's left to accomplish on our list is resupplying at the clinic, and the droid shop.

The man at the clinic, Zelka Forn, Is a pretty solid guy, sells us enough medpacks to last us awhile, and it turns out is helping survivors from the Endar Spire recover on the sly. Or at least he would, considering they were too badly injured to stand a chance, so he was just making sure they died comfortably. I could've done the same with a blaster bolt, but I don't say anything. He does ask us to keep a lookout for a Rakghoul Vaccine, which I agree to immediately. After all, all that can do is help people.

The droid shop is a bust, though. Two droids, one is reserved, the other is a POS that blew up the second I bought it. Got a refund, though, so it's not an actual loss.

After getting a new outfit for Carth, one that won't look amiss during a party (Me? I'm always ready to party.) All we can do is wait for the party to start.

_Meanwhile, On the Leviathan..._

Malak was lying on a couch, while a woman in a labcoat, holding a clipboard, sat in an armchair.

"Ever since that cruiser pulled a Naboo, I can't help but feel as if Rev...Naruto, is haunting me. But am i just seeing his ghost because I feel guilty? I mean, Despite all the crap he pulled, he was a good teacher, and he never meant any harm by it."

"It's possible. After all, all he ever did was try to help you, It's just his plans backfired more often than not. After all, he is the reason we got together."

"Something I'm thankful for every day, darling."


	9. Chapter 4 Deus Ex Machina

Fury074: Um, yeah, they kind of did. Starting about 36,000 BBY. I checked when i was writing that chapter.

JEP: Don't worry, Malak's still the Dark Lord. I know I've been kind of making him sympathetic these past few chapters, but only because I need someone to be the straight man to Naruto, and while Carth is getting there, They still don't have that kind of rapport.

Legionary Prime: Malak's name? kinda. It kind of just... fit. On another topic: let me make this clear. Naruto's primary traits, which make him such a lovable protagonist, are threefold: 1:His determination. 2: His goofiness. 3: His capacity to forgive. I have no intention of compromising any of those. This Naruto may be a bit more Jaded and pragmatic, but he's still Naruto. The only reason he became a Sith was because it's the closest thing he could find to the Will Of Fire philosophy, not because he bought into Dark Side angst-crap. Also, there is no _need_ for revenge. The only thing he _would_ need revenge against Konoha for in canon is a lack of respect, respect which he has later gotten in canon. If there's anyone he would want revenge on (without giving spoilers, at any rate.) Are the Jedi, for trying to mind-wipe him. And he's going to get them back, Naruto-style. See chapter 3a for a brief summary of his plan for that. If any of you are looking for a story where he starts chucking people around in an angst fueled rage for any real or perceived slight, either find a different fic, or change his name to Sasuke.(zing!) Okay, rant over. Also, don't worry, I will not make this a harem. In fact, possibly much to some people's disappointment, there is no real Pairing for this fic. For its parallel story and its sequel, however...

Lydia-Hood: Trust me, I'm aware that my story's not perfect. While I am very well aware of the grammar law that you have mentioned, I do not always catch said errors. In fact, If any of you readers can either recommend, or volunteer their services as, a beta, that would be awesome.

Kamen Rider Arashi: He will be skipping the Dueling arena, as it's televised, has no real gain besides monetary, and he's trying to keep a low profile. Meeting Mission and Zaalbar will occur as canon, but the swoop biker arc, and meeting T3 will be new. In fact, that last one will be covered this chapter.

Chrono Mitsurugi: That part was mainly for lulz, though another point was to highlight why he was fired from matchmaking duties. I guess from your review, that worked. It was also to highlight just _why_ Malak cracked, though it also was meant to highlight that the majority of the things Naruto put him through were not mean-spirited. They just backfired horribly.

Fox of the Blood Moon: I'm glad someone got the reference. I was beginning to wonder if it was a bit obscure.

_**Shinobi of the Old Republic**_

_**Chapter 4: Deus Ex Machina**_

As Carth and I were leaving the party, A new Sith uniform and documents in tow, we came across an old man being accosted by two thugs. In the middle of broad daylight, in the middle of the street. Morons.

"P..p...p..please, just a little more time! I'll have it soon, I promise!"

"Too late, times up. I think we need to take some of your payment out of your hide."

Carth, the boyscout that he is, immediately storms forward to confront the thugs. I draw my blaster pistol and position myself just behind the one Carth isn't yelling at, stealthily. As in, I am literally holding the blaster muzzle to his kidney and he doesn't notice. Then the thugs decide to attack Carth. I promptly shoot Thug #1 in the kidney, before dashing forward and grabbing Thug #2's arm (that's holding his blaster pistol), and Judo flip him over the railing and into the Undercity. I promptly loot the remaining body. Oh, hey, does this business card say he works for Davik Kang? As in, the crime boss reserving that spiffy droid at the droid shop? I think a little identity theft is the order of the day.

"Naruto, this guy is worried that they might send more thugs after him."

In response, i chuck the corpse's wallet at the old man. minus any ID, of course. Grand total 300 credits.

"There, that should be enough to buy you a little time. How much did you owe this guy?"

"100 credits."

Okay, frickin' SERIOUSLY? I blow more than that on frickin' groceries! Hell, the cheap mass produced blaster pistol I bought for Carth was 500! Not even the Hutts send leg breakers over anything less than 2000! Not cost effective, you see. How do I know this? I'm friends with a Hutt, Zorro. He isn't the type to send leg breakers, but was in that kind of business, and often had to interact with those that were. In other words, more Jirōchō Wasabi than Gato. Nice guy. Nuttier than squirrel droppings, but a heart of gold and a genius at business. He's also how I'm paying for this shopping spree.

"In that case, that should cover it threefold. Now get out of here."

I didn't need to tell him twice.

"C'mon, Carth, we're headed back to the Droid Shop."

SCENE BREAK

"Hey, Janice. Remember me? Yeah, it turns out I got clearance from Boss Kang to use that T3 unit, since the other one went up in smoke."

"Y...you work for Davik?" She stammered fearfully.

"Yeah," I say, tossing the business card I looted at her.

"Ztrizi Gluupor?" She said, reading the name off the card. The thug I pulled the card off of was a Rodian.

"You makin' fun of my name, lady?" I snarl, fingering my blaster pistol.

"N..no!" She exclaimed. "It just sounds...exotic!" She says, stumbling to find the right word.

"Good, now fork the droid over."

"That'll be 2000 credits." she replies. Like hell I'm paying for something I'm stealing fair and square.

"Charge it to Boss' account." I take his droid, and he pays her for it. I like making scum like him suffer.

"But...he said it would be paid for in person!"

"That was then. Plans change. Now, he's sayin' charge it to his account. By all means, call him to verify. But be well aware, da Boss hates repeating himself. And when the boss does something he hates, he ain't happy. When da Boss ain't happy, nobody's happy, and that goes double for snotty twi'lek shopkeepers who can't do their fuckin' job. Your already on thin ice for that bomb you called a droid." I bluff.

She does so, and I walk out the proud new owner of a T3-M4 unit. Carth, T3, and I head back to the apartment for some R&R, after a long day of good ol' espionage work. James Bond ain't got shit on me.

* * *

AN: Okay, it appears has a bad habit of removing bits of text when I publish these things. If you catch that happening, please either Review or PM me, And I'll try to fix it.


	10. Chapter 5: Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Dericof Diname: I'm glad you agree. So many stories that would have potential are kind of ruined because you can't even recognize the main character's personality. As for sequels, I _might_ follow this up with a SW: TOR sequel, though I'm not completely sold on it. It will, however, have a parallel story,( meaning it is happening same universe, same time. Clone Jutsu FTW!) Orange Shinobi Chronicles, which is up, but I'm focused on this right now. I'm also planning a Mass Effect Sequel, with a Chrono Trigger parallel story. (It makes sense in context). And a Time Reset story after that, if public opinion demands it. However, I'm afraid doing TSL will seem forced at best, because it _will_ be forced, so I'd rather not.

Blackholelord: _His_ Empire? Naruto already has his own forces in reserve, though they might not be what you expect. The Sith Empire, Naruto has no interest in. He already accomplished all he wanted to with them. In fact, some might say that Malak's betrayal actually helped him...

AN: Looking back, i recognize that last chapter Naruto casually mentions considering gunning down wounded Republic soldiers. That came out wrong. What I meant to put was how doing so would free up resources that could go to saving lives of those that had a chance, as he is used to having limited supplies and having to make calls like that. It was meant to highlight his new, more pragmatic, mind set, not meant to portray him as a sociopath. I will go back and fix it when I have the time.

AN#2: I just realized this would be the tenth chapter. The scene with the Endar Spire was on the fifth. So, I have decided to try make it a kind of tradition, to have something epic every five chapters. As such, I bring you...

* * *

_**Shinobi Of the Old Republic**_

_**Ain't No Rest For The Wicked**_

Carth and I turned in for the night, while T3 volunteered to stand guard.

Unfortunately, I tend to have nightmares as of late, so sleep is something I dread. But I force myself to anyway. The Forced Sleep genjutsu has so many uses.

Fortunately, it is not my normal nightmare, but it starts out the same way. It feels like there is something crushing my mind, gripping it, and trying to force it to submit. I **_ROAR_** in defiance, and throw my all into resisting. It gives far too easy, which is unusual. This is the part I dread...

It doesn't come. Instead, I am surrounded by men wearing armor and wielding blasters. I appear to be in a force cage. The men look to be mercenaries, that or thugs.

"Hey, Is it just me or does she look more... alert than usual?"

"Impossible. The neural disruptor should..."

She?

I look around. I am alone, just me and the thugs, none of which appear to be female. However, I sense their hostile intent directed towards me, but... It isn't bloodlust. It's like... I'm cattle. I have their contempt, but they want something from me. I lash out with the force, sending all of the gunmen flying into the wall, hard enough they will never get back up. In the process, I destroy the force cage holding me.

For some reason, that really drained me. Normally I can throw those around all day. Weird.

I walk out, noting that I'm wearing heels, which sadly I'm no stranger to (long story. Infiltration mission. Enough said.) and that whatever I'm wearing is really binding at the crotch, but for some reason "The Boys" aren't hurting...

I look down.

I note several things. "The Boys" are gone. I am wearing a bondage outfit. I have boobs. "The Boys" are gone. There is something around my neck that is smoking. "The Boys" are _**FUCKING**_ _gone_. I am a chick.

I scream. I am apparently also an alto.

Fortunately, my experience with the Orioke allows me to recover more quickly than most men would. I rip off the smoking collar. A neural disruptor. I look In the reflection.

I'm Bastila.

I scream again.

That's when I feel it. It's like my mind is a thick comforter, pulled over a cat or dog, and the animal is trying to crawl out. Well, it would if the comforter was so thick it pinned said critter in place.

That 'squirming' feeling, I realize must be Bastila. I get it now. there has been a force bond ever since the Leviathan Incident. It was minor, but she's been trying to open it for the last couple of months, widening it. These slavers, for what else could they be, captured her, put the neural disruptor on her. She was too weak to resist. So, she did what anyone else would do, though she probably wasn't even aware she did. She called for help.

And the galaxy's #1 badass picked up.

And completely drowned her in baddassery in doing so.

So, I'm off to rescue the damsel in distress, while dressed like a hooker. Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the first time.

I walk over to the door. A blast door. Locked. I grin.

I form a Rasengan.

I love that jutsu. it unlocks blast doors, punches through walls, slays my enemies, and slices, dices, and makes julienne fries (Well, the wind variant does, at any rate.).

Unfortunately, Bastila's a wuss, so I can probably only make one more before she's out like a light. And there's about twenty thugs pointing blasters at me.

Fortunately, I don't need ninjutsu for this. I crack (Her) knuckles, and close the distance before they can blink , and I roundhouse kick one of the thugs in the face, stabbing him in the eye with my stiletto heel in the process.

And then I kick ass.

Five minutes later, I Rasengan my way out the main entrance, find my way to a secluded place, and pass out.

Then I wake up in The Apartment. It's morning already.

I sigh.

Ain't no rest for the wicked, i guess.


	11. Chapter 6: Evil Eye

ChronoMitsurugi: Yeah, exactly. However, do not expect the one upping to occur anytime soon. I'm thinking final chapter. Unfortunately, I set the bar rather high for myself early on, although I believe that beats the alternative.

quietreaper: Either you meant to submit a review, and something screwy happened, or you hit the submit review button by mistake. In case of the former, please re-submit said review, because I did not get it.

Dericof Diname: See my response to JEP 1996 in chapter 7 for my opinion on chapter length. Also, I have severe lack of focus. Either I write and get it out in one session, or I forget and don't do it at all. See Thunderstruck for proof of this. One year without an update. I tried playing the game again, to make sure I got things right immediately after chapter 2, and beat it. Chapter 3 Is still not up. I'd rather I stay on target than you guys going for over a year without an update, at the cost of lengthy chapters, and I'm sure most of you do too. On to other things, He will do the Swoop race, but as an Independent, and for another prize...

AN: To those of you who may be confused, Naruto is NOT stuck in Bastila's body. He just used the force- equivalent of Ino's Mind-Body Transfer technique accidentally. He is now back in his body, she in hers, though she's probably sore. Also, Naruto did NOT blow his cover with this stunt. Bastila went from being completely overpowered by the Neural Disruptor to being completely overpowered by Naruto. She was freaked out, but couldn't do anything about it, not even observe it. It was like having a person sneak up on you, cover you then wrap you tightly in a blanket, then leave before you free yourself.

AN#2: Introducing an OC this chapter, hope you like 'him'.

* * *

_**SoToR**_

_**Evil Eye**_

Good News. Bastila's free, and I know she's in the Lower City.

Bad News. I don't know _where_ in the Lower City, and She's Unconscious, and therefore vulnerable.

Looks like I'll have to rely on JAGAN.

_JAGAN! _

I mentally yell.

**SPECIAL JOUNIN CODENAME JAGAN REPORTING. HOW MAY I SERVE?**

_No need for formalities, JAGAN. _

**YES, FATHER.**

I get giddy every time he calls me that.

_Anyway, back to business. i need you to track a brunette female, late teens, early twenties. Dressed like a bondage slave._

**OH, GOD. DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE USING KONOHAGAKURE RESOURCES TO CRUISE FOR HOOKERS.**

Wiseass. I have raised him well.

_No, it's for work. she'll have some of the highest Nature chakra levels on this planet. _

**SCANNING... TARGET ACQUIRED. ORDERS?**

_Continue observation, relay her position to me, let me know if anyone tries moving her or engaging in hostile action towards her. If she begins moving under her own power, let me know. If anyone tries engaging in hostile action towards her, and I am not in range, you are authorized to utilize genjutsu. You know, the standard._

**UNDERSTOOD. IF YOU WISH, YOU MAY WISH TO SEE THROUGH MY EYE, IN ORDER TO GET YOUR BEARINGS.**

I use my chakra to place a seal over my left eye, And I see EVERYTHING. well, In a cone in front of me, at least.

You see, JAGAN was initially a Sealing experiment that got away from me. I was trying to create an artificial Byakugan, with the memorization capabilities predictive capabilities, and attention to detail of the Sharingan. I botched it. The end result... turned out alive. As in, was capable of emotion alive. Dumb as a sack of bricks, though. However,after a couple of additional memory storage seals, and his ability to learn from observing, that didn't last. The downside, if you can call it that, is that He isn't capable of the 359 degree field of vision the Byakugan has. Purely line of sight, but he can see everything in that 'cone', regardless of distance, interference, or blocking objects.

It is disorienting as all holy hell, but the biggest spy network in the universe, hasn't got shit on thirty seconds of JAGAN looking in your general direction. Especially when I got the directional microphone function installed.

He did me the favor of highlighting Bastila's form for me, and I deactivate the seal. As I said, it's disorienting.

Now having a heading, I grab Carth and T3, and head off.

* * *

ENPSYCHOPEDIA: JAGAN: Translates to Evil Eye in Japanese. An AI developed by Naruto, on accident. Functions as Mission Control and as a Spy Satellite/ Hubble Telescope. Got his name by his ability to channel massive amounts of Killing Intent, as part of him was created through Kyuubi's Chakra, as well as his talent for genjutsu. Extremely loyal to Naruto, whom JAGAN calls Father.


	12. Chapter 7

Wrathkal: No, as JAGAN Doesn't see in the same spectrum as humans, part of why it's so disorienting to use. I should have been clearer.

Dericof Diname: Yeah, that was kind of the inspiration, and may come up, i haven't decided yet. He does have a physical for how he looks, picture a giant space telescope, but an mechanical Eye covered in seals as the lens. Of course, the casual observer will not see that, as he is perpetually shrouded in a genjutsu. Also, I apologize for getting on my soap box. i just got a bit frustrated. After all, I have been working hard to get these out pretty regularly.

Lydia-Hood: Half Machine-half Chakra construct. JAGAN's alive due to metaphysics, not biology. If you want, you can think of him as a droid, with chakra as the power source, and seals as the program code/ motherboard/hard drive. Or, another way you can think of it is as a Bijuu, but bound to a machine. Sorry that wasn't clear.

So you want to be an Author: I introduced JAGAN this way on purpose. He will be a major plot point in one of the sequels, he's how OCS and SOTOR Narutos stay in contact, and It saves Naruto alot of time and effort to just have JAGAN relay Intel to him rather having to keep and maintain a battalion of spies, any one of which may be spying on_ him_. Also, I felt as if I was placing too many Chekhov's Guns as it is. After all, I haven't even told you guys _why _ hes playing along with the Jedi, why he started the Jedi Civil War, or what his motivation is, intending for those to be revealed at the opportune moment.

That is probably the most difficult part of writing this story. This is a tale of espionage for the most part, with deceit within deceit, and clues everywhere, but the key to the puzzle missing. Think Sherlock Holmes, but with Naruto as Sherlock. The heavy emphasis on anecdotal humor is mainly there to keep you interested while I set up the rest of the story. That is why I'm so amazed and grateful for the loyal following this story has so far, as I really haven't told you guys anything yet. The least I could do is introduce you to the voice on the other end of the radio, especially with how much Naruto's relying on him. The reason for _that _will also be revealed at a later date. Because it's one of those clues I've mentioned. And I'm evil. Mainly the evil.

AN: Speaking of which, I would love to hear your theories, based on the trace evidence i have placed in the story so far.

Now after that deluge of words, which will most likely be double the size of the actual chapter, I bring you the story.

* * *

_**SOTOR**_

_**Lower City Woes**_

Figures. Even with the documentation from the Sith, the route to Bastila is blocked off. Why? the fifty dead Black Vulkars and their base looking like a tornado passed though, carrying C4 with it.

Yeah, even with a chakra pool 1/1000th of my usual, physical conditioning of person who does nothing but sit and meditate all day, and wearing heels, I. Kick. Ass.

Believe it.

Oh, god. Why did I just say that? Do you have any idea how many voice lessons it took to break me of that habit? A shit ton, that's how many! And I was doing so good, too!

So, on to other subjects, knowing criminal scum better than I'd like, I know that there's a back entrance, and that a visit to the local watering hole will shed some light on the subject.

Where i promptly see a man gun down three people just for irritating him.

"Careful, Carth. Either this guy will eventually join our group, or will be a recurring antagonist. Considering he's a dick, my money's on the latter."

"This isn't a novel, Naruto."

"It might as well be, considering the Force's preference for the dramatic."

That being said, I defy my instincts to nip the situation in the bud and kill him, for if I do so now, the Force will conspire to bring him back as a zombie, just so he's a pain in my ass again. And I've had enough of those to last me several lifetimes.

Believe it.

Goddammit! Not again!

Walking over to the bar, I see a couple of men harassing a Twi'lek girl, about fourteen or fifteen.

Wait, did that guy just threaten to...?

He did.

I'mma killim.

I level every ounce of Killing Intent I'm capable of at the potential rapist and his friend.

Considering I have access to the Kyuubi's Chakra, that's a lot.

They promptly drop dead due to terror-induced heart failure.

Carth looks freaked.

"What?" I ask.

"You can kill people just by _glaring_ at them?"

"Nah, there's a trick to it. It's highly situational, and doesn't really work against an opponent who has really seen combat. It only worked 'cause those guys were wusses." I say, before walking over to the girl, in order to see if she's alright.

"Wow, that was cool! Did you do that?"

Oh dear god, She's a female blue me.

I like her already.

"Oh yeah, using my special Jedi Psychic powers." I reply. A sarcastic tone, the best defense against the truth since verbal language was invented.

Carth jabs me with his elbow, hard.

"Sorry about him, kid. Look, are you all right? that guy made some pretty serious threats against you." Carth says.

"Kid!? I can handle myself! Even If I couldn't, Big Z's got my back." She says, gesturing towards a nearby Wookie, who growls an agreement, without looking up from his lunch.

i jab Carth with my elbow.

"Sorry about him, miss...?"

"Mission. Mission Vao."

"Sorry about him, Mission, when you get to his age, everyone's a kid. We just don't think a young lady like yourself should _have_ to deal with such things, regardless of capability. We never once doubted your resourcefulness. In fact, we could use some... savvy. You see, we misplaced something. We think the Black Vulkars may have found it. So, we need to look for it, starting with their base, which is locked down. However, there must be a more...discreet entrance. We would be _very_ grateful for any assistance you could provide." I say, subtly flashing a credit chit.

"Try the Undercity. They have a smuggling elevator there."

"Thanks, Mission. You're a real sweetheart." I reply palming said chit in my right hand. I shake her hand, and when I pull my hand away, the chit is gone, like I expect it to be.

"No prob. Say, you're pretty cool. What's your name?"

"Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki."

As Carth and I walk away, I tell him, "Carth, first rule of dealing with kids. Talk with them like an equal. They hate being talked down to, or being thought of as inferior just due to age. Keep that in mind."

He looks like he's about to protest, but doesn't. We then head to the Elevator to the Undercity, where the next phase of our little adventure awaits.


	13. Chapter 8

Dericof Diname: No, Mission will not become his apprentice. She has next to zero Force potential, and even less chakra, as chakra (at least in this story) needs to be developed at a young age, which is why the Hidden Villages start training their soldiers at such a young age, rather than the 18 and up we're familiar with for our military. They're not gonna be sending kids out to die for no reason. Ninjas, in general, are dicks because it benefits them, not just for the sake of being dicks. He will help her cultivate the skills she has, but she won't be throwing around Shadow Clones or the like. That is also why he had so much trouble with Bastila's body. Some of the exercises to channel the force are the same that let you channel chakra in a meaningful form, so she wasn't completely devoid of usable chakra, but it wasn't enough to even match Sasuke fresh out of the academy.

Judge: Yeah, I initially wasn't going to do a FPP fic, but considering half of the plot is within Naruto's musings, and some of the actions he does are specifically designed to throw people off, writing it in any other form would be like reading Sherlock Holmes with Sherlock never opening his mouth. Confusing as hell, and everything will come completely out of nowhere, and this fic has enough of that already.

AN: I may be forced to cut this chapter short, as I want to have the Naruto vs. Rancor Fight in Chapter 15 (If you count the prologues as chapters.)

EDIT: That's a lie.

EDIT 2: Changed the name to Resol Tracyn Dha Werda, as the previous one was too obvious.

* * *

_**SOTOR**_

_**Medicine and Mandalorians**_

Carth and I left the elevator, only to find an encampment that appeared to be packing up. I naturally asked the nearest person what was going on.

"Oh, Outsider! It is most fortuitous! Rukil's apprentice was able to find some Journals leading to the Promised Land! She was about to be murdered by Igear, something about the Promised Land infringing on his monopoly, but a man came falling out of the sky and landed on him! Unforunatley, they both were killed. She brought the corpses back, but we haven't gotten around to burying them yet." the woman said, gesturing to to bodies laying on cots, in what appeared to be a makeshift hospital. One is unknown to me, but the other one I recognized, if only barely. It was that mugger I chucked off of the railing yesterday. Carth recognizes him, too.

"Did you..." He starts to say, bewildered.

"Carth, as much as I want to say yes, there is no way in _Hell_ I planned that. Not even _I'm_ that good."

"The only thing really keeping us here are the Rakghoul victims. We can't just abandon them, but there's not much we can do for them either." The woman continues speaking, ignoring our byplay.

"Well, we know a guy who's willing to mass produce the vaccine, but he's missing the formula. We think the Sith might have such a formula, and If any were to have it, it would be those patrolling down here. I'm sure I can convince them to part with a sample," I really hope my cocking my blaster pistol as I say this doesn't give her the wrong impression, or rather the right one. "and I'll be sure to give you guys a few, If it pans out. So, don't be too quick to Old Yeller them. We should have some within the week, if not sooner."

"Oh, that would be wonderful! Thank you, Outsider!" She says, hugging me. Well, she's excitable, ain't she?

"Old Yeller?" Carth asks.

"It's a vid about a boy who has to put down his pet when said pet contracts a disease that makes it violent."

"Sounds depressing, and strangely applicable."

"I know, right?"

As we approach the gate to the rest of the Undercity, we hear a commotion,

"Run, Handar! Run!"

"We can't open the gate! It would let the rakghouls in!"

Well, that sounds like our cue. Knowing that relying on my blaster in such close quarters is stupid, I retrieve my third favorite melee weapon from a storage scroll, while Carth's not looking.

"We should help them, Naru- What is that?" He says, noticing my Bitchin' new weapon. I call it Sakura. It hits hard, really nice when you're on its good side, and it wears red most of the time. By that I mean blood.

"It's a weapon I found In a couple of ruins I sifted through in the past. It's a Massasi Lanvarok." I say, putting on the paired blaster gauntlet onto my right hand. It's like a blaster pistol, but keeps your hands free. I wonder why it never really caught on.

"...And you had it on you this whole time?"

"Smuggler." I simply reply, pointing my thumb at myself, and I narrowly avoid shooting myself in the head on accident. That's another comparison to Sakura. This sucker has a hair trigger if I ever saw one. Of course, the blaster shot going off gains attention. That's my cue.

"Let us out. we'll take care of the rakghouls." I say. They note my huge-ass halberd, and decide to do as I say.

Fresh out of the gate, I leap towards the rakghouls, spinning Sakura like a baton, cleaving at least three with each sweep. One gets within my guard, and I punch it in the stomach, which sets off the gauntlet. At the apex of one swing, I loose the shuriken attachment in the blade, which buzzsaws through, a pair of rakghouls sneaking up on Carth, who's putting his own dent in the rakghoul's population with his dual blaster pistols. With one final heave, I vertically bisect the last rakghoul in sight.

"Welp, that's that. Let's go find that serum. And Bastila, I guess."

A couple of stray rakghouls, later, we find a Sith corpse with a few vials of Serum, I pocket them.

Then I notice a crash site. A Republic pod crash site. Carth and I investigate. we find a single survivor, but he's been bitten by a rakghoul. I hand him a vial, when It becomes apparent that we aren't the only ones here.

"Hands up! We only want the scrap, but we won't hesitate to shoot-" One says, obviously the leader, and moreover, looks like he actually knows what he's doing. He cuts off, suddenly, as he sees my face.

"Oh, shit." He says.

"What're you so scared of, Canderous? We can take him." One of the mooks says.

"The last guy who said that about him got decapitated with an entrenching tool." 'Canderous' replies.

"Do I know you?" I ask. I don't remember doing that.

"We've met, though I doubt you remember me. Dxun, six years ago." Nope, don't recognize him, and I made it a point to get to know my soldiers.

"You killed my CO with that shovel when he tried ambushing your squad." Oh, Mandalorian. That explains it.

"Oh, god, I remember that." Carth says, wincing. And now I do too.

I shrug. " If you're asking me to apologize, you're going to be disappointed."

"Nah, why would I do that? His call got him killed. No one's fault but his own. And it isn't like I didn't get a field promotion out of the deal."

"Well, to be fair, he did manage to get me off guard, which is why I used that instead of something more conventional. Although it is nice to see you're such a good sport about it."

He shrugs. "It ain't the Mandalorian way to bitch about a loss, nor hold a grudge. It's stupid. If you won, you won. Holding a grudge just makes things spiral out of control."

I nod approvingly. "If one has hatred after the fight, it forms a chain that keeps us down, and can only be broken through acceptance." I quote myself.

Canderous' eyes widen. "You've read the scrolls of Resol Tracyn Dha Werda?"

"The what?"

"Long ago, the founder of the Mandalorian Way, Resol Tracyn Dha Werda, said that in his writings."

Well, that sounds like a guy I could've gotten along with...

My eyes widen in realization. Oh Crap.

"Well, I obviously never read 'em, If I didn't even know their name. But, we already got everything we needed, so we'll get out of your hair. Nice talking with you, Canderous." I say, sneaking the lightsaber I found in the wreckage into my satchel. Obviously this was Bastila's pod.

He nods, then sends his lackeys to work scavenging.

Well, this seems like a good place to stop. I head to the Upper City, in order to drop of the Serum, and to rest, along with the Republic grunt we picked up.

* * *

ENPSYCHOPEDIA: LANVAROK: A weapon made for force-sensitives, it Is best used when you're left handed, in order to free the right hand for the blaster gauntlet. (Naruto, in this story, is ambidextrous.) It comes with a 'buzzsaw shuriken' in the blade, which is guided solely by the force.


	14. Chapter 9

To all of you who reviewed: I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny your suspicions, as that would be a spoiler, one way or another. I will, however, say that the Force must be strong with you, or maybe I should've picked a slightly less suggestive name.

Although, if you are correct, how could he found a culture thousands of years old?

Food for thought.

Dericof Diname: I actually have a plan for that. At the risk of giving away spoilers, the Ebon Hawk will not be Naruto's flagship. After all, why would you want a freighter when you have storage scrolls? I don't even understand why It's the case In canon, besides as an expy of the Millennium Falcon. I mean, you use it to haul two things, both of which can fit into an airplane luggage rack. I'm going to use something with slightly better AA capabilities. (By slightly, I mean alot)

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Slaughter & Slavers**_

As soon as we get to The Apartment, T3 greets us. I left him here so he wouldn't get stolen, and will do so tomorrow. I even gave him some orange accents on his paintjob, just so one of Davik's thugs doesn't recognize their boss' droid.

I am asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Normally, I can go with less sleep than most, but I've had a rough couple of days, and I had to use last night's sleep saving Bastila.

This time, I don't have to save Bastila.

It's worse.

_Something's in my mind. It's not a whisper, or even a shout. It is like a rock slab pressing down on my mind._

_**I KNOW YOU FEEL THIS. GIVE ME DIRECT CONTROL.**_

_I push, resist, and finally, after a long struggle, win. But it is a Pyrrhic victory. For when I push the presence out of my mind, I am looking up at it. A single, red eye. From this red eye, a column of light emerges, red light, igniting all that is in its path. I burn, I scream. I do not die. The dead bodies that lay around me turn to look at me. _

_"You did this."_

_"It's your fault."_

_"You brought them."_

_"You killed us."_

_But one above all stands out. A woman, not much more than twenty, brown hair, one blue eye, one green. She turns to me, despite clearly being dead._

_"You promised you would protect me. What ever happened to never going back on your promises, sweetie? I thought you were strong. I thought you loved me. I thought you were worthy of me. But, it appears I was wrong. You'll never be more than a loser."_

I wake up with a jolt, in a cold sweat. Goddammit, not that dream again. I stare at the ceiling until Carth is up, as I dread going to sleep, and having that dream again.

i pick up a few more vials of Rakghoul serum from Zelka, and head to the Undercity. Not having anything else urgent, having cured those infected, Carth and I walk straight towards that elevator Misson mentioned.

Speaking of which...

"Please, you've got to help me! Even the Beks won't help me!" Mission says, after deactivating her stealth field.

"Calm down, Mission. What's the problem?" I say, wondering who the Beks are for a moment, then deciding it's not important.

She takes a couple of breaths. "It's Zaalbar. Gammorean slavers took him."

I presume 'Zaalbar' is Big Z. Well, it's not like I have anything better to do, as JAGAN says there is no change in Bastila's situation.

"All right. I'll help." Her face brightens, and she squeals as he hugs me. "ThankyouThankyouThankyouThan kyouThankyouThankyouThankyou !"

"No problem," I say. Now, Gammoreans are notoriously resistant to blasters. So, it looks like Sakura's coming out to play again.

Mission, now that she's calmed down, asks."But how are you two going to help him? I get that you're better than average, but you're pretty outnumbered."

"He's a Jedi. Or so he claims."

"Okay, Carth. One, i asked you to keep that close to your chest. Two, what the hell does 'or so he claims' mean?"

"Besides the fact you are the most impulsive, social, crass, devious, ruthless,and goofy sonovabitch I've ever met? So, pretty much the anti-Jedi?"

"Yes."

"I've never seen you use the Force."

"Well, if parting the Red Sea is what it's going to take to make believers out of you heathens, so be it."

"Red Sea?"

"The sea of Gammorean blood that's going to exist after I'm through with 'em."

Before he has a chance to respond to that, I use my chakra sensing capabilities to find where the squad of Gammoreans on the other side of the wall are. I then activate my chakra cloak, and jump through the wall.

"OH YEAH!" I shout as I bust through the wall, chucking around Gammoreans like they're ping pong balls. Once that squad was down, I sense where another squad is, then leap through the wall towards them.

"I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!" I yell. I find the obvious chief, due to the more ornate armor and weapons, and pick him up with my cloak. "I'MMA HIT YOU WITH YOUR OWN PIMP!" and I proceed to do so.

Repeat until I clear out all of the Gammoreans.

"Okay, I believe he's a Jedi." Mission says.


	15. Chapter 10: The Monster is Loose

So you want to be an Author: I LOL'ed at your review. Unfortunately, It's not Sauron, nor an outside influence. I'll also throw you a bone and say that it doesn't have anything to do with the Sharingan, or Akatsuki. It wasn't a vision. It was a nightmare. I can't say much more without spoilers.

SeanHicks4: Yes, It's up, but I'm focusing on this right now. White Knight Chronicles is a game for the PS3, a fairly standard "Good Guy rescues the Princess from being kidnapped, defeats the bad guy, happily ever after, etc." However, The guy scoring with the princess is not the Player, in fact, alot of people complain the PC doesn't do enough. However, it does feature giant indestructible magical suits of armor beating the crap out of demons, and thus automatically awesome, if a bit too grindy for my tastes. I highly recommend picking it up, if RPGs are your thing. Its sequel has the original bundled with it, so you're essentially buying two games for one.

Guest: See Authors note in chapter 2 (6, if counting prologue)

Dericof Diname: That's exactly my point. In a freighter, things like weapons, bunks, engines, and defenses are removed in order to make more space for cargo. The Ebon Hawk has two defense turrets, one AA, the other Anti-personnel, and those are afterthoughts, and non-standard modification. I'm not saying the ship he will be getting won't have cargo space. I'm saying it won't have 3/4 of the ship be nothing but cargo space he'll never use. It will have more guns, more armor, and a bigger engine, and more bunks. Keep in mind, in KotOR 2, there was so little bunk space one of the crew slept in the cargo hold, and another in the cockpit. The ship he will be getting is roughly twice the size of the Ebon Hawk. Before you go "OMFG, that's huge!" Keep in mind, the Ebon Hawk took up maybe 1/8th of most docking bays, if that. It wasn't a big ship. The new ship isn't an SUV, it's an APC. In the movies, The Millennium Falcon was a good ship, but that's because it was owned by two people, who transported cargo for a living, who spent most of their profits modifying it. It wasn't built for over half a dozen people headed into warzones. Keep in mind the Millennium Falcon spent half it's time running away, or malfunctioning. The few times it did kick ass, It was entirely due to modifications Han made because he's so Paranoid. It was not built for what the characters were using it for on screen, and it showed. I'm trying to avoid that. Naruto knows what he's getting into, and he's going to make sure he has the right tool for the job.

By the way, I will be taking recommendations for the ship's name, assuming your recommendations are better than mine. Be forewarned, I will not use "Will Of Fire" ,"The Bijuu/Kyuubi", or "Asskicker."

Knight of elves: This soon enough for you? ;)

Anon & ChronoMitsurugi: Yeah, I just went there.

AN: I know I said this would have Naruto vs. the Rancor, but I just had a better Idea.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**The Monster Is Loose**_

The lock on the blast door to Zaalbar fell to a Rasengan.

Zaalbar was obviously poised to attack, but stands down as soon as he recognizes me.

"You were at the bar. The one who bought information from Mission."

I nod. "Yep. She's here, in fact. She was really worried about you."

"Mission? Here?"

"BIG Z!"

I swear to Inari that she launched herself twenty feet with that glomp.

Zaalbar returned the hug, then turned to me.

"I must thank you for freeing me."

"No prob."

"No, I must swear a lifedebt in gratitude. That is the only way my honor may be satisfied."

"Really. It's unnecessary. Besides, swearing yourself into indentured servitude pretty much defeats the purpose of being freed. I know you're grateful, and that's how your culture works, but trust me. We're good."

"We are not _good._ I know you mean well, but by refusing you imply I am not worthy of serving you."

I sigh. "Very well. Zaalbar, Son of Kashyyyk, I accept you pledge, and you shall stand by my side until blood and honor is repayed."

Zaalbar looks at me in shock.

"That was...exceedingly formal. I am surprised you understand me, much less know the etiquette of my people."

I shrug. "I visited Rwookorro in the past. I would've said it in your native tongue, but my vocal cords aren't built for Shryywook, so I probably would've horribly botched it."

"I see."

"Hey, wait a minute. If Big Z's going with you, I will too!"

"No, you won't! You're a kid! It's too dangerous!" Carth interjects.

"She/I can handle her/myself!" Mission and I say in unison.

"Naruto's cool, old man. He gets it." Mission says.

"I do indeed get it."

He glares at me. "She's too young!"

"Age doesn't mean jack shit. Hell, when I was her age, I was an S-rank in the Konohagakure Shinobi Corp. For reference, Mandalore would have only barely been an S-rank." I would know, being the guy to kill him.

"Konohagakure Shinobi Corp.? Never heard of it."

"Special forces, on my home planet." I summarize.

"They let people that young become military?" Carth asked, scandalized.

"Yup. Started the academy when I was six, actually passed and started taking missions at Thirteen, was a card-carrying badass at Sixteen. That was about average for peace time, apart from that last bit. There was maybe a dozen people in the world who were S-rank. My CO set the record, though. He was what the Republic would call a Major at six. Besides, You're forgetting Rule #1 about dealing with young people."

Carth turns pale, and immediately shuts up.

I shrug, and turn to Mission.

"So, you know how to get to the Vulkar base?"

"Yup! Follow me!"

We get to a corridor, where the path is blocked by a force field.

"Guys, want me to-" I begin to ask.

"NO!" Carth and Mission say in unison.

"I've got this. Besides, I need to prove to Pops here I'm not dead weight." Mission says.

Sure enough,after a few seconds of fiddling with the control panel, the force field is down.

Where we promptly run into a Rancor.

**FATHER.**

_What is it, JAGAN?_

**THERE IS A BATTLE AT THE TOP OF THE ELEVATOR YOU ARE HEADED TOWARDS. THE SITH APPEAR TO BE LOOKING FOR THE WOMAN YOU ASKED ME TO WATCH, AND HEARD THAT THE BLACK VULKARS HAD HER. THEY ARE LAUNCHING A RAID. ALSO, THAT PACKAGE YOU ASKED ZORRO TO SEND HAS MADE IT PAST THE BLOCKADE, AND IS IN DAVIK KANG'S OWNERSHIP.**

_Excellent. Thanks, JAGAN. That gives me an Idea..._

I walk towards the Rancor.

_"You must not get very much prey down here, hunter." _I use the force to send to its mind.

_**"I do not. But those like you hurt me if I leave."**_ it replies.

_"Then join me. I will help you free yourself from their yoke. Then those who hurt you will be prey."_

_**"I accept."**_

I use the force to widen the entrance to the elevator, which the Rancor enters. I hop on it's back as the elevator rises. As I ride the rancor into battle I sing:

_"I've been livin' my life in a cage, freedom spits in my face_

_It was such a disgrace and I was lonely_

_And feelin' empty, desperate"_

I blast a couple of sith troopers with my wrist blaster. swinging my Lanvarok like a baton, as my steed eats a couple of Vulkars.

_"I had my head in a noose, I had nothing to lose_

_Had enough of abuse and now, I'm dangerous_

_Hateful, contagious, it haunts us"_

A dark Jedi uses the force to leap at me, and I cut him down mid leap with Sakura.

_"I'm angry, I'm ragin', I'm breakin' through the pain"_

I fling my force guided shuriken to cut through a couple of troopers trying to rush us.

_"The monster is loose and now, you know the truth_

_Tell me can you feel it as you hit the wall"_

The rancor backhands a crate, sending it and the thugs behind it into the wall.

_"The monster is loose and now, you have to choose_

_And prove that you can take it to the top before you fall"_

I force lift a Sith commander into the ceiling. Hard.

_"I've walked a slippery road, felt a twitch in my soul_

_Through the wind and the cold with no protection_

_Just one direction, destruction_

_I've paid for all my mistakes, takin' all I can take_

_'Til I'm ready to break, I'm feeling vicious_

_And so, outrageous, it breaks us_

_I'm bleedin', still breathin', I'm tearin' through these chains"_

I send out Chakra Chains, which grab anyone out of cover, and toss them into the nearest hard object.

_"The monster is loose and now, you know the truth_

_Tell me can you feel it as you hit the wall_

_The monster is loose and now, you have to choose_

_And prove that you can take it to the top and never fall!"_

I stood, surveying the battle. Hundreds dead on both Sith and Vulkar sides. Unfortunately, the Rancor was heavily wounded, and gives a last shuddering breath, before going still.

There is only one Dark Jedi left. I note that the elevator is now bringing up Carth, Mission, and Zaalbar. The Dark Jedi looks at me in horror. well, I did just kill hundreds by riding a Rancor into battle.

"You! How can you still be alive!?"

Or maybe he recognizes me as the Dark Lord of the Sith.

He lunges at me with his lightsaber, but Sakura knocks his block off. Literally.

"HOLY CRAP!" Mission shouts, seeing the destruction.

I shrug. "That's how I roll."

* * *

AN: The song above is a portion of Meatloaf's The Monster is Loose. If you're a fan of older music, I highly recommend checking it out.

AN2:I'm sorry about the song fic, but you have to admit, it fits this scene perfectly.


	16. Chapter 11: The Baiting of The Shrew

Dericof Diname: And Tatsumaki wins it. Thanks for the contribution. Also, Naruto still has the Toad Contract, though how useful they will be remains to be seen.

Arael Tenebris: I'm sure the 100 combined Sith and Black Vulkars that it took to kill it agree. :)

AN: I hope that the songfic part didn't turn too many people off, But I felt it was just too fitting. I'm planning on doing it twice more, during the Escape from Taris, and the Escape from Leviathan.(_Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire_, and _Bat out of Hell_ respectively) But I won't if too many people object.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**The Baiting of the Shrew**_

"So much for subtle." Carth said, facepalming.

"We would've had to deal with them sooner or later, and this way we had a blaster-resistant hellbeast on our side when we did." I said reasonably.

"Yeah, and the Rancor helped too." Mission sniped. I don't bother denying it.

"So, anyway, my informant says she should be this way." I said, pointing in the direction Bastila was.

"Wait, you have informants now?"

"Yup."

"Can they be trusted?"

"Absolutely." I say without hesitation, as I begin walking in the direction I indicated. Though I was disoriented as all holy hell when I was possessing Bastila, I vaguely remember where I let her pass out.

Sure enough, there she is, out like a light.

"Okay, remember guys, I don't want her knowing I'm a Jedi, so play it cool."

Mission looks at me oddly.

"It's for a joke." I say.

She nods in acceptance.

Now, how best to wake her...I've got it.

"AHHH! IT'S REVAN! HE'S LOOSE!"

She woke up, screaming. She looked at me, and then continued screaming.

I just stood there, impassively, until she calmed down. After she calmed down, she asked "What did you say?"

"Ahh, it's a raven, and it's loose." She looked at me disbelievingly.

"They're bad omens on my home planet." I lie through my teeth.

She doesn't look like she bought it, but she doesn't want to call me on it.

"Anyway, my name is Naruto Uzumaki, and this is Carth Onasi, Mission Vao, and Zalbaar."

"Charmed." she says sarcastically. She examines herself. "Why am I dressed like a... common streetwalker?"

"That's what happens when you hit the Juma a little too hard. You wake up in weird outfits in the back of an alley, not wanting to know what happened the previous night." I reply.

"I_ don't_ think that was my problem."

"Well then, don't sit there and let slavers take you, then. Actually, that's good advice for everybody."

" I Stayed so they wouldn't take Mission." Zalbaar pouted.

"I wasn't singling you out, big guy."

"I was disoriented from the crash. Besides, I...had trouble finding my lightsaber." Bastila pouted.

"Oh, I guess that explains it. After all, It's not like you had the combined life force of all of creation at your beck and call." I actually manage to completely keep a sarcastic tone out of my voice. It is so sarcasm-free she's actually sitting there, trying to figure out if I was making fun of her or not.

"Although," I continue, "I thought Jedi couldn't lose their lightsabers. Like, they actually have to hand make their own, and are trained from a young age to never lose it, or something. Just from what I've heard." She sputters, trying to come up with an excuse.

"Now that I bring that up, I just remembered I _did_ find a nice long cylindrical object in your escape pod. I think it might be yours." I say, and she holds her hand out eagerly. I place a vibrator in the outstretched hand. She looks at it in horror, as Mission busts out laughing. Even Carth snorts in amusement.

I, due to my awesome acting skills, manage to keep a straight face. and for those of you wondering why I keep a vibrator on me, well, it's for this exact reason.

"I also found this piece of junk." I say, my tone indicating it's an afterthought, as I brandish her lightsaber. She snatches it from my hand, glaring at me.

"Okay, now that Naruto's had his fun, I suggest that we get to the apartment-" Carth begins, before I cut him off.

"No, no, no, it's not 'the apartment', it's The Apartment. Say it with a little panache. It is our secret headquarters, after all."

"Fine then, THE APARTMENT," I nod in approval, "And come up with our next move."

"We get ourselves hired as crew on Davik Kang's new Corvette, the _Tatsumaki_, steal it, then blow this Popsicle stand." I say.

"Okay, how do you know he has a Corvette, and what it's named?" Carth said.

"Simple. I designed and named the thing. It was custom made for me. I had Zorro the Hutt, one of my old _smuggling-_" I glance at Bastila pointedly, but she doesn't catch it. "-Buddies, ship it in to him, as Davik's the only guy with enough resources to keep it hidden from the Sith. It arrived just recently."

"...Okay. Let's come up with a plan to get us hired, then."

I merely grin. "You have an idea already, don't you." Carth says, resigned.

"Yup, but let's discuss that at The Apartment." I say, then head off towards the elevator to the Upper City.

* * *

An: Ugh, this chapter was a pain to write. I just got a new Word processing program, and while it may make proofreading easier, I'm having trouble getting used to it. Sorry to cut it so short.


	17. Chapter 12: Mandalorian Motors

Dericof Diname: This is Naruto we're talking about. Taking risks is his thing, and the only real reason he's playing along is to mess with her head anyway. He did that intentionally, just to get her thinking, and make her paranoid.

Knight of elves: I added 5 chapters in the last 3 days. What made you think I was abandoning this?

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Mandalorian Motors**_

At The Apartment, we find a strange sight. a Duros holding a blaster pistol is standing over a dead Sith Officer, two destroyed combat droids, another dead Duros, and the corpse of the Republic soldier we dropped off earlier.

I approached the Duros. "So, what the hell?"

"The Sith were searching the apartments. My friend, here," He motioned to the dead Duros, "Mouthed off to the Sith. You can see the result. Then, the Republic soldier, who was in the apartment with the broken door, which the Sith skipped, citing "Another patrol already searched it.""

"Told you it was secure." I said to Carth.

"Rushed out, and managed to destroy the two droids in his surprise attack, then the Sith shot him. I shot the Sith when his back was turned."

I examined the positioning of the bodies, and found his story fit.

"Don't worry, I'll hide the bodies." the Duros said.

Well, that works. I'm not squeamish, but not having to do cleanup is always a plus.

"Thanks, bud." I say, as Carth starts an impromptu service for the fallen trooper. I never got the point. back in Konoha, we only really held services for Hokages. That, or it was a civilian thing. After all, burials just let things like bloodline theft and the Edo Tensei jutsu happen. we may have held a service for Zabuza and Haku, but that was on Sakura's insistence, being from a civilian family.

Afterwards, I enter The Apartment, and find T3's almost done with a 'special project' I asked him to do. Namely, build a swoop bike. I grab a set of tools, and begin helping him.

"Naruto, what's that plan you hinted at?"

"Davik's going to hold a swoop competition, if he listened to that recommendation I had Zorro relay. Winner's crew gets the job. This, is our horse for this particular derby." I say, motioning to the incomplete swoop.

"There's no shield generator." Normally, Swoops have them. At the speeds they get to, so much as clipping something can mean death without them. I chose not to install one, as they're fricking heavy, and will slow the bike down. Besides, my chakra cloak will keep me safe in the event of a crash, which I don't see happening, due to my Sage-granted intuition.

"Not installing one, they'll slow the bike down." I reply.

"Nice ride. Is that a Harantraycn engine?" A voice comes from the doorway.

The schematic I used for the engine is based on a Mandalorian design. Like everything the Mandalorians make, It has alot of power, takes alot of punishment, and has very little subtlety. Literally translating to "Hellfire", this engine is no different, and in fact is used for tanks. Overkill for a swoop, but that's the way I like it.

"Yep," I say, looking up. It's Canderous.

"Nice. So, I take it you heard about the swoop race. Odd, considering it was only announced thirty minutes ago. But that's not any of my business. You see, I want off this rock, and, well, let's just say Davik isn't paying me what I promised."

"Stupid. The only thing worse than trying to stiff a Hutt, is trying to stiff a Mandalorian. Or a Shinobi, but you don't see too many of them on the Galactic scene." Just one, really. Me.

"Exactly, though I have no idea what the hell a shinobi is."

"Most don't. As I said, they're rare."

"Anyway, I think we have the same goals in mind, so why don't we team up. Although, we will need the Sith Launch codes..."

I toss the datapad with the codes on them to Canderous.

"...And you have them already."

"My escape pod landed on the HQ. I grabbed them on my way out."

"Okay, just how the hell did you plan all of this?" Carth asked.

"The plan's incredibly simple." I say slowly.

"Ship the ship, grab the chick, win the race, ship out. Simple." I say. Effective, but I leave the more complex planning to guys like Shikamaru.

"Alright. I'll get you into the race, and I'll get you to the ship. That'll be my end of the bargain. All you need to do is win it." Canderous states.

"Not a problem. I once flew a swoop, with about one fourth the horsepower and was on fire through one of the moons on Endor while getting shot at, during the war. This will be a cakewalk."

_**FLASHBACK**_

I was riding through the forest moon of Endor, engaging a Mandalorian patrol squad. Their swoops had heavy armor, and gatling blasters mounted. I had a mass produced POS, and the Mandalorian blaster fire was making it even worse. I had no choice but to use my secret weapon.

I pulled what appeared to be a floor lamp from my sealing scroll, then positioned it so it was parallel to my bike, the 'lamp' part in front of me. I turned it on, and a cone of light emitted from the 'lamp'. The blaster fire bounced off of the cone, and the ricochet destroyed all but one. The rider of the remaining bike withdrew a Mandalorian Warblade, and zoomed towards me. I simply held my strange weapon forward, like a knight jousting, as I turned my bike to meet him head on.

The cone of light tore through his bike, and him, before he reached me. Hmph. And Master Kae said building a Lightlance was a waste of time.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

As I am lost in my memories, I begin painting seals on the bike. Reverse gravity seals to make it lighter, seals to make it more durable without adding weight, that kind of thing.

"Alright, Sounds like a plan. see you then." Canderous says, then leaves.

Even after everyone turns in, I'm still up, working on the bike.

* * *

AN: If you want to know what the Lightlance looks like, google Sith'd. It's like that, but the handle's a couple of feet longer, and comes with a rounded 'stock' at the other end.


	18. Chapter 13: Highway to Hell

FinalKingdomHearts: Please stop asking for longer chapters. I have given numerous reasons why they are the length they are. Please read them. I work hard to put out a new chapter daily. I cannot do that if they are 10K monsters. If I do longer chapters, you'll have to wait longer for them. Also, I have trouble making transitions. End of chapters serve to circumnavigate that lack of skill. If I spend too long trying to force myself to push the next scene, _and_ make it flow, just for a higher word count, I have a tendency to say "screw it" and give up when I inevitably fail.. And no one wants that, least of all me.

Legionary Prime: Probably not. If I do a SotOR 2, which I doubt, due to lack of enthusiasm. Naruto will play the role of the exile. In fact, If I do manage to do that, plus SWTOR, I intend to do a running gag where Naruto uses his own name for his alternate identities, and no one realizes it.

Dericof Diname: Highly unlikely. It's a lance. It is a highly situational weapon, only suited for one-on-one high-speed mounted duels. I do not intend for there to be many of those. There may be a cameo, but don't expect it to be a mainstay of his arsenal.

Knight of elves: Not at all. I probably should have put a jk in there. Also, I have no intention of abandoning this. I know how I'm going to end this story, I know how I'm going to end the saga, I know the general path I want to take, And I'm having fun getting there. It is lack of those things that cause stories to get abandoned. The only thing I really come up with on the fly is the humor, but that's what keeps things interesting to me to continue writing. Although the positive reviews I have gotten help alot.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Highway to Hell**_

I woke up. The swoop bike was finished, and it was the day of the race. After getting our jalopy swoop bike there, I do a last minute tune-up. I post Carth, Zaalbar, and Mission as lookouts to prevent sabotage, and T3 is my pit droid. Bastila's...somewhere. Apparently gambling isn't her thing. Especially gambling with our ticket out of here. It appears she has yet to learn Rule #1: Naruto Uzumaki does not lose. He gets stalemated, or pushed back, but he does not lose. Especially at times when gambling's involved. You know, Some people claim that some of the bloodlines in the Elemental Nations got started because they have some Kami blood in them. If that's true, I'm pretty sure Benten's my grandmother or something. It would explain my extremely polarized luck, among other things.

The others report no attempted sabotage on the Hellscreamer, which is what I'm calling my bike. Of course, it's probably due to how it looks. The other bikes are sleek, aerodynamic things. they look like spears, ready to cut through the air, with lots of sensitive equipment and sophisticated controls.

Mine looks nothing like that.

On the wire frame, a very basic cockpit sits in the middle, on a bare frame. Below it, there lies a repulsor graded for battle tanks. On the sides of it, starfighter repulsors allow me to steer.

Behind the cockpit, the previously mentioned Hellfire engine sits, hooked up to two Starfighter thrusters. The whole ensemble is painted orange and blue. This thing has one thing- horsepower. Anyone else would get killed flying this thing.

Of course, the fact that this thing is so overpowered it's not even funny is not readily apparent, so most people just think It's a piece of crap, so why sabotage it?

"Welcome, to the Kang Swoop Bike Race! These pilots are competing to see who among them gets to crew the prototype corvette, the _Tatsumaki!_ First is Rek Thorn, a veteran of the Hidden Beks. An experienced swoop jockey, his speeder, the Sun Flash, Is a very fast rig. I expect him to put in a good showing! Second is Keever Kronn, driving the Crescendo! Part of the Black Vulkars, which has fallen onto tough times recently, He knows how to handle his swoop, which is suited for fine maneuvering. Third is Erdric Mentel, with the Steel Heaven! while not as experienced as the other two, he's no novice, with a swoop that is made for perfect balance between speed and steering. and Lastly, we have Naruto Uzumaki, in the Hellscreamer!

A newcomer to the circuit, Naruto has no prior documented experience, and quite frankly, his bike looks thrown together last minute. He's not favored to win by the odds, but we all gotta start somewhere, right folks?" Now, On your mark, ready, set, GO!" The announcer called into the mic. I grin, and let the Hellscreamer loose.

The resulting shockwave knocks the other three swoops ass over teakettle, as I take off. Using Sage Mode to warn me of incoming danger, I deftly dodge every obstacle. Of course, The same speed is causing me to grip the controls for dear life. No, seriously, I am currently flying parallel to the swoop, and I can feel my brains rushing into my feet. Seeing as I'm coming up to the finish line, I try to slow down. As it turns out, it takes me a whole 'nother lap before I lose enough momentum to stop. Okay, maybe I cut too much weight.

"And somehow, not only did Naruto Uzumaki win, but he also managed to not be killed by the G's! You have to admit, anyone ballsy enough to actually get into that thing deserves the job! Setting a track record of three seconds, I can't see _anyone_ breaking that score!"

Of course, someone objects, namely the Black Vulkars, and a brawl breaks out. I'm still disoriented, so I let my minions handle it. And handle it they do.

After the brawl, Canderous approaches us. "All right, you're in. Now let's go see Davik."


	19. Chapter 14 Blending into the Background

Knight of elves: One thing I don't get about most fanfic writers, is how they have a character who has all kinds of amazing traits, and then decide that he doesn't need them and give him an Uber powers instead, Instead of just taking those same traits, and simply amplifying them, and giving them the tools to let them use those traits effectively. In this case, some fuuinjutsu and engineering knowhow, and a little combat experience to make him look before he leaps. While this Naruto may be a little more educated,(okay, alot more) he's also still him, and I'm glad you appreciate that. On to your other thing, Who says the crew gets a choice?

Wrathkal: Well, he did say that anyone else trying to pilot it would probably get killed. And before anyone says that's unfeasible, everything in that vehicle was built for something that weighed a couple hundred times heavier, and in the case of the starfighter engines, something that is supposed to run down something that can make a trip between planets in a couple of minutes. Put a tank engine and two JATO thrusters on a Harley and see what happens. Well, assuming nothing breaks due to the added weight, which Naruto accounted for. Also, the track was built to be run in thirty seconds by a standard swoop. If anything's unrealistic, It's that it took that _long_.

Dericof Diname: Dammit, why didn't I think of that? To your other question. Yes. Meaning not sneaking at all.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Blending into the Background**_

After picking up Bastila, who was in the crowd, actually, (And apparently some hooligan tried betting with her, and somehow wound up sucked into the main gambling circuit. She bet on me, a wise choice, and apparently I had some pretty long odds. Meaning, we are now swimming in cash.) we head to Davik's estate. We bumped into Obvious Recurring Villain With Goggles, who's name is apparently Calo Nord. I personally think he needs more woad. Davik then graciously leads us on a tour, and I make a note of all the cool stuff that needs pillaging before we leave.

"And this is my hangar. The _Ebon Hawk_ is my top freighter, but you don't need to worry about that. That, is the _Tatsumaki_." There's my baby. Dwarfing the _Ebon Hawk, _Being almost two and a half times it's size, It can best be described as looking like a Hammerhead shark. The main loading ramp is where the mouth would be, and there's four AA cannons on the "Head", two on top, two below. A double barreled anti-ship cannon is mounted on the spine, which unfortunately, does not traverse. Said Cannon normally would be too big for a ship of the _Tatsumaki's_ size, but said lack of angling allows it to bear the weight better. On the 'pectoral fins', there are two thrusters apeice, and another two AA cannons apeice, one above, one below. There are another four AA turrets on the 'tail fin', two on each side, and two small caliber anti ship cannons, again, one on each side. Four thrusters, one above another, complete the Tail fin. Running along the sides of the _Tatsumaki_, there are missile launchers, unknown to Davik.

The ship is painted black, but the seals that make it run more efficiently are painted orange, making it almost look like a inverted leopard print.

"That will be your responsibility. Now, please stay in your quarters while I run a thorough background check."

The second the coast is clear, I immediatly begin looting everthing. People who don't take stuff that is bolted down and on fire are wusses.

"Sir! You need to see this." one of the lackeys running the check announce.

"Hmm, A Street rat, a Republic Navy capitain...That's actually good. It's not unheard of for military men to want to upgrade jobs."

"I was referring to the blond."

"Hmm, Mandalorian war veteran, distinguished service, Three time winner of the Cross of Glory?! This guy is a gold mine!"

"Look at known aliases, sir."

"Shibari Kusanagi, Baron Urootor Rostoni,..." Davik paled. "D-d-darth Revan?!"

"'Ello, Guvna!" I say from directly behind him, before slitting his throat.

I rejoin the group, and head to the hangar, Only to find Calo Nord waiting.

"I know what you're up to. I won't let you steal the ship. After all, I'm stealing it."

I respond by saying, "Tatsumaki, kill."

"**Voice command confirmed."**

The forward Anti personnel cannons, hidden in panels inside the ship, pop out and open up on Calo.

"Alright, let's blow this joint." I say.


	20. Chapter 15: Out of the Frying Pan

FinalKingdomHearts: Please read my authors note in the previous chapter.

Writing Without Warning: I've never actually played starcraft, so that wasn't the inspiration, but upon googling, I must admit there is a resemblance.

Dericof Diname: The Defender is actually my initial inspiration, but it warped from there. For your other comment, There's no way in hell you saw this coming.

AN: I admit the previous chapter was kind of rushed, so I hope no one thinks they're all going to be that...bland.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Out Of the Frying Pan, And Into The Fire**_

_Five minutes prior..._

Malak was standing on the bridge of the _Leviathan_.

"Sir, I managed to isolate a frame of the base security footage, that has a clear image of the assailant."

"Show it to me."

The lackey did, bringing up an image of a blond man with three 'whiskers' on each cheek. One Malak recognized instantly. He paled.

"No...nononononono NO! It can't be him. I killed him!" he turned to the bridge crew.

"Order the fleet to open fire on the planet! Let NOTHING escape! NOTHING!"

As I weave the Tatsumaki through the city, and up into low orbit, blaster artillery from the Sith fleet rains down on Taris.

I begin Singing.

"_It's only two o'clock_

_And the temperature's beginning to soar_

_And all around the city_

_You see the walking wounded and the living dead"_

I barrel roll to dodge a hail of blaster fire.

_"It's never been this hot and I've never been so bored_

_And breathing is just no fun anymore_

_Then I saw you like a summer dream_

_And you're the answer to every prayer that I ever said_

_I saw you like a summer dream_

_And you're the answer to every prayer that I ever said"_

They begin sending fighters after me, so I order Tatsumaki to activate the AA turrets. They chew up the fighters like a dog with a newspaper.

_"You can feel the pulse of the pavement_

_Racing like a runaway horse_

_The subways are steaming_

_And the skin of the streets is gleaming with sweat-"_

"DUDE! SHUT UP!" Mission screams. I look back at her, and notice she's looking green. Oh, right, my bad.

"Sorry."

Right then, the comm system crackles to life.

"NARUTO! HOW DARE YOU STILL BE ALIVE! I WILL KILL YOU! AND KILL YOU! AND KILL YOU!"

Carth takes one look at the figure and pales. "Darth Malak?!"

"Heya, Mally, how ya doin'?"

"HORIBBLE, NOW THAT I KNOW YOU'RE STILL BREATHING!"

"You're not still mad about the Nar Shadda Incident, are you?"

"YES!YOU LEFT ME TO GET ABDUCTED BY A SERIAL KILLER WEARING A COAT MADE OF DEAD GIZKA! HE TOOK OFF MY FUCKING JAW!"

No wonder Mally's so pissed. I'd be if I got abandoned to a male Lady Gaga.

"Oh, so _that's_ what happened. Did you kill him?"

"Of course I did." Malak replies, not screaming for once, sounding offended.

"Good. You can't leave guys like that running around."

Malak just goggled.

"Anyway, nice chatting, but I gotta dodge your blaster fire. See ya!"

I turn off the comm. It springs to life a second time.

"DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME?!"

"Depends, did it sound something like this?"

I say, then turn it off again.

"Tatsumaki, activate RR protocols if he tries calling again."

"**Understood."**

"Um...are you sure you want to be making a personal enemy of the freaking Dark Lord?"

"I already am, apparently."

I approach the Leviathan, knowing that his Interdictor wells will prevent me from fleeing, So I need to take them out.

On the _Leviathan._..

"Call him back!" Malak shouts.

"Yes, sir. Onscreen."

_"Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna turn around and desert you..."_

Malak lets out a scream of pure anger and frustration.

On the _Tatsumaki..._

I deploy the concealed Ion cannons, as the shields will be too much, even for the main cannon, without them.

Firing right where the gravity well generators are, there is a brief window where there's no shield. I fire the main cannon, destroying the wells, and veer off to flee to hyperspace.

On the _Leviathan._..

"FIRE EVERYTHING!"

On the _Tatsumaki..._

"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..." Carth chants, as he sees all that firepower headed towards us.

I enter hyperspace just as a sheer wall of blaster fire is about to consume us.


	21. Chapter 16

Serfius: I have mentioned in the review responses in previous chapters that if I do KotOR 2, (which is unlikely, as it wouldn't be much different than the actual game, and have no plot relevance,) Naruto will be the exile. Basically, he had a shadow clone enter the order, just in case he needed to have a new identity if the Darth Revan thing blew up in his face. In fact, I was planning on having a running gag in, where he keeps on using his actual name and no one putting two and two together, but I lost interest in doing an Old Republic sequel. I might do a primary trilogy (ANH, ESB, ROTJ) fic, where he takes over Luke's training after Obi-Wan kicks it, If you guys give an indication you want to see that. Current sequel plans are: Orange Shinobi Chronicles (Not really a sequel, but still), Legend Of the Dragoon, Original SW trilogy, Chrono Trigger,and Mass Effect, in that order, paired up.

SeanHicks4: The song is Out Of The Frying Pan and Into The Fire by Meatloaf.

Teucrian: I am well aware of that, but I felt it was a bit too...Math-y for the casual reader.

EternalKnight219: I'm afraid I don't understand. I should sing what? Are you saying I should make Naruto sing more?

Knight of elves: I will, but only when Naruto is really stressed. Naruto designed the ship, gave those schematics to Zorro, who owns a shipyard, who built it for him. The seals were simply part of the design, that Naruto was very particular about. Zorro's good people.

Dericof Diname: The game will progress as in canon. except that instead of being an unwitting pawn, Naruto is the one calling the shots. I would like to hear theories as to why he's going along with it. Also, why not just set your ringtone to that song? I'm sure it's available.

AN: Sorry It took so long, but writers block struck. I didn't know how to handle the transit from Taris to Dantooine. Still don't, so if this chapter seems like filler, that's because it is.

AN2: On a completely unrelated note,I'm surprised no one has figured out the dream from chapter 14 (or 9). If you have guesses, I would like to hear them.

* * *

**_SotOR_**

**_Hyperspace Intermission_**

"What the Hell, Naruto! You could have gotten us killed! What were you thinking?!" Carth ranted.

"I was thinking I was letting Malak know the reason he was shelling Taris was no longer on planet."

Carth shut up at that.

"Thanks, Naruto." Mission said, hugging me. "Taris is a prejudiced, classist shithole, but it's MY prejudiced, classist shithole. I just couldn't stand to see it shelled like that."

"No prob, kiddo." I say, hugging her back.

"I can't believe that you, of all people, would risk yourself like that for others." Bastila murmured, not thinking she would be overheard.

"I always have, Bastila. Maybe not in ways people realize or respect, but I have always put others before myself."

"Then explain-" She cuts herself off. She was probably going to bring up the whole Sith thing, but caught herself.

"On the day I graduated from the Military academy on my home planet, my Commanding officer told me this. "Those who break the rules are scum. However, those who abandon their comrades are far worse." I have taken that to heart. I may break the rules, Bustyla, but I never leave a man behind. I may give the impression I don't care, but I do. I may sacrifice my soldiers to accomplish my objectives, but I treat every single one with the respect they deserve." I pull out a datapad, which I hand to her. "On that datapad, Is a list of names. Names of people who gave everything on my command. I've tried memorizing it, but there's simply too many."

"Hatake Kakashi. Maito Gai. Yamato Tenzo..." She starts reading.

"There's alot. You know, I've heard of an Emperor, on a primitive planet far from here. It is said that whenever he has a parade celebrating one of his glorious victories, he has a servant next to him. That servant's job is to whisper to him 'you are only human.' That list is my servant, whispering to me. Telling me, that I'm not better than them. In fact, the only way I can ever be as great as them, is by making the same sacrifices they made. What kind of leader would I be, if I were unwilling to do so? Simple. An unworthy one. Just as they risked it all, for something bigger than them, so must I. And I mean it all. Reputation, dignity, sometimes even morality. All of it. Do not assume, Bustyla, that because I do not follow your code, I do not have one. Do not assume that no other codes, but your own, are valid. Do not assume people who do things you disapprove of are monsters. Or at the very least, do not assume you, yourself are not a monster. To do so would be arrogance. Always keep in mind, that there are always different points of view, and always give them respect. If you learn just one thing during our time together, let it be that. But now, let's cut the mopey stuff. We just escaped from a blockaded planet, unscathed, and gave the Dark Lord of the Sith an aneurysm and the finger doing it. I've got a bottle of Tarisian ale, If anyone wants to help me celebrate."

"Ooh! I want to!" Mission exclaims.

I give her a long look, and then relent.

"Okay, but only one glass."

"Whoo! You're awesome, Naru!

"I know, Mish." Hey, she wants to bust out the nicknames, I can play that game.

Zaalbar facepalms. "You spoil her like she's your cub."

Some time later...

"Never have I ever committed a felony." Bastila said. We initially wanted to play truth or dare, but both Bastila and Zaalbar refused to play that, considering their opponents were a teenage girl, a Sith lord with no shame or inhibition, A mercenary with no readily apparent morals and Carth. Zaalbar probably believed he would be shaved bald on a dare at some point, and Bastila probably feared being dared to do things of a risque nature, being the only of age female on the ship, and not a bad looking one. I can't honestly deny the possibility of either.

Every single one of us but Carth drank.

"Never have I ever been in the military." Mission said.

"Does the Rwookoro militia count?" Zaalbar asked.

"Z, in this game, general rule is if you have to ask, you have to drink." I say, before drinking, alongside Carth and Canderous, followed by Zaalbar.

"Never have I ever been in a religious order." Carth said.

Bastila and I drank.

"That one was too easy, Carth." I say.

He shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure Bastila got at least one."

"Never have I ever kissed a male." Zaalbar said.

I was the only one who drank, much to the shock of everyone else.

"Long story."

"Never have I ever been married." Canderous said.

Carth and I drank.

"Okay, you're married?!" Mission asked, incredulous.

"Who the hell would marry _you_?" Bastila asked, just as shocked.

"Used to be. Widower." I reply. "And to answer your question, Bustyla, she was a gorgeous woman who always put others above herself, and forgave me, no matter what I did. A woman who I swore to protect, and failed. Her name is on that datapad I gave you." A somber moment passed. I decided I had to break the silence, if only so I wouldn't dwell on it.

"Anyway, back to the game. Never have I..." I trail off. What _haven't _ I done? Maybe...No. everything I haven't done, no one else would have either. Except...I've got it.

"Never have I ever been in imprisoned longer than twenty four hours." I kept on escaping.

Bastila, Canderous and Zaalbar drank.

Several hours later...

I just finished tucking in Mission, who had a little too much to drink. I'm a total softie. I just didn't have the heart to tell her no. That's the only good thing about me never having kids. They would have me so whipped it wouldn't be funny.

"Naru?" Mission asked sleepily

"Yeah?

"What was her name?"

I didn't have to ask who she was asking about.

"Yuna."

"Pretty name. G' night, Dad."

My heart stopped.

"Goodnight, Mish." I reply, still in shock, before heading to my own bunk.

During the night, I had a dream. No, a memory. It was of the fight on my flagship, between Bastila and I. It must have been from the force bond.

Next morning...

Bastila, Canderous and I were the only ones without hangovers. I don't get them, Canderous has an implant, and Bastila didn't drink much.

"So, how was everybody's night?" Canderous asked, sadistic grin on his face. He received groans from our three hungover crew members.

"It was surreal. I had a dream I felt up Bastila." I reply.

"Okay, I'm headed back to bed before I hear any more." Mission said, before doing so.

"T..t..that was most likely a vision. From a force bond we share."

"So, In the future, I'm going to feel you up because we're soulmates?" I deliberately misinterpret her.

"What?! NO! That was a vision of my battle with Revan. He was most...unconventional. But if you're having them, we must seek guidance from the Jedi Council on Dantooine."

"Okay. We're there." I reply.

"What?"

"I set the coordinates for Dantooine when we escaped. We are there."

"Why did you set the coordinates for Dantooine?"

I shrug.

"In any case, we must meet with the council immediately."

I shrug again, then follow Bastila down the loading ramp.

Let operation Mindfuck: Phase 2 commence!

* * *

AN: Sorry for the downer chapter, but character development has to happen.


	22. Chapter 17

austinjak0: Ding ding ding! You got it! In fact, the 'pressure' he mentioned fighting against was 'phantom pain' of attempted indoctrination.

Dericof Diname: She's precisely as Naruto wants her. Suspicious, but unsure how much he remembers. And she doesn't want to tip the scales by bringing it up, if he doesn't remember that much. Also, my vision for this story of Naruto/FFX is that The Elemental Nations are like, say, China, whereas Spira is the size of Japan. There's a whole lot more than just those two on the planet. Sin was just cutting off all communication between the two, and the Hidden Villages couldn't be bothered to send an S-rank to get rid of it, assuming word of a bijuu-like monster even got back.

Kamen Rider Arashi: Oh, Naruto's going to have _fun_ on Korriban. subterfuge, mind games. the ability to play 'pranks' (read- slightly humorous deathtraps) on people, and the opportunity to act like a melodramatic peacock without raising suspicion, while in a place where due to the target- rich environment, Collateral damage is a non issue. What more could he ask for?

Keeper of Storms: No, definitely S-rank. you do remember that he's pretending he's not Darth Revan just to troll people, right? And besides, this was just around people who know him by now, or will. He's much more subtle around people who aren't part of his 'squad'.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Council Meeting**_

As Bastila and I departed the ship, Carth joined up with us.

"I'm sorry, Carth, but you cannot come with us. This is Jedi Council business."

"So, what are the rest of us going to do?" Canderous said, also joining us.

I think for a minute, and then I come up with an idea.

"Gentlemen, I'm going to give you what may probably be the most important mission of your entire career." Both stood ramrod straight at this. I hand them a datapad, and a credit chit.

"Fill my prescription. I don't care how, or how many casualties there are. Get it filled. Understood?"

"Your prescription? That's the most important mission of our careers?" Canderous asked incredulously.

"You've never seen me when I'm off them." They both looked at me disbelievingly. I sigh.

"You know how much crazy stuff I get up to, right?" They both nod.

"That's me _on_ them. Imagine that, a thousand times worse."

"Uh, can you give an example?" Carth asked.

"I once nearly killed a subordinate because I was thoroughly convinced he was a sentient warship made by grinding millions of human corpses into a sort of concrete material, and he was trying to take over my brain." I reply, completely seriously. The guy eventually forgave me, but still.

The two soldiers shared a look, then took off, presumably towards a pharmacy.

"Were you joking?" Bastila asked, warily.

"Nope." Guy decided to touch me while I was in the middle of a flashback. Bad move.

She obviously decided it was better for her mental health to not inquire further.

As we entered the Enclave, we were confronted by a Jedi. Obviously a padawan. The braid tells all.

"Padawan! Why are you not wearing the robes sacred to our order?"

"Oh, so I'm not the only one who thinks that skintight number of yours is a little scandalous for an ascetic." I say to Bastila.

"It's to allow greater mobility! And besides, she was talking to you!"

"Oh." I do my best to adopt the body language of a Master. Considering I was being considered for the rank, with just my leanings away from the emotionless Jedi code barring me, it's not too difficult.

"You presume much, Padawan. One, that I am a Padawan. Two, that I did not have a valid reason for not wearing them. Never assume, Padawan. Assumption only impedes you from true understanding. Now, Go and meditate on my words. I am expected at a Council meeting. Good day." As the padawan scurries off, Bastila looks at me, gaping.

"What? Nothing I said is untrue. She just assumed I meant I was a Master. As such, she doesn't know the truth. That I'm not a Jedi at all. Yeah, it's not so much fun being on the receiving end of all the mystic doublespeak, is it?"

She shakes her head, as if to clear it. "Let's just go." she sighs.

Inside the Council Chamber, I am "Introduced" to Masters Dorak, Zhar, Vrook, and Vandar.

"Padawan Bastila. I'm afraid we're going to need you to elucidate your message." Master Dorak says.

"What was unclear, Masters?"

"Everything." Master Vrook replies.

He plays the recording.

_"And sho, we were on our way to Tarish, whaen this HUUUGE Fleet comes out of nowhere, And I was all like WHOA! and then I took an escape pod to Tarish, where I was knocked out, and I woke up dresshesh like a...like a...whatsh the word? Oh yeah! Shlut! And then he showed up. He's making me have all theshe confushed feelingsh. OH FORCHE, I'M A HORRIBBIBLE PERSHON! How can the Dark Lord of the sich...no, sit...DICK! Thatsh it! The Dark Lord of the Dick, be sho niche?How could I be such a bitsh too someone dat niche?" _

"Dark Lord of the Dick? Never been called that before, I guess. Maybe I should have business cards made. That would make a good Pickup line. 'Hey baby, wanna see why I'm called the Dark Lord of the Dick?'" I muse. Bastila's face was in her hands, completely red.

_"Heshe like, sho niche, helpin peeplesh, risking himshelf to shave Tarish, Heshe sho schweet, wit dat orphan girl. hede make a good dad. Anywho, we KICKED MALAKSH ASSH! WHOO! We on our way, peeples. Busty-la out."_

"You just drunk dialed the Jedi Council. You are now officially worthy of becoming my crew. Although, I didn't think you drank that much."

"I didn't." she mumbled.

" Oh, well. everyone's a lightweight at some point, I guess. Anyway, short summary, Ambushed at Taris, escaped to Taris, Escaped from Taris, Gave Malak the finger on the way out." I say.

"However, we discovered that He and I share a force bond." Maybe that's what happened. We have a bond, so I effectively drank for the two of us. Worth testing.

"Therefore, I think it would be best if Mr. Uzumaki were to receive training."

"An... interesting proposal, that is. Give it further consideration we must. For now, this meeting is adjourned." Master Vandar said.


	23. Chapter 18

gryphonsson: What I try to do is have a plan for the plot, but I like to keep it flexible. The humor, however, I don't plan at all. Everything you see is straight off the press. Except for the following joke, and what I'm going to do for chapter 20. Chapter 20, Is actually setting up a running gag for a scene I wrote for the Sunry Trial on Mannan, which I did come up with at random. The following joke, however, I've had planned since I started, and explains quite a bit of my other jokes.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Montage**_

The council eventually decided to train me over the next few weeks.

I'm gonna need a montage.

_Risin' up, back on the street _

_Did my time, took my chances _

_Went the distance now I'm back on my feet _

_Just a man and his will to survive_

_So many times it happens too fast _

_You trade your passion for glory _

_Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past _

_You must fight just to keep them alive_

_It's the eye of the tiger, _

_it's the thrill of the fight _

_Risin' up to the challenge of our rival _

_And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night_

_And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger_

_"Yo, Adrian!"_

"NARUTO!" Bastila yells at me.

"NO! I WASN'T USING MY FORCE PRECOGNITION TO BOOTLEG MOVIES THAT AREN'T OUT YET! WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?!"

"I can read your mind!"

"Oh. Well, you should try it sometime."

"You can't control force visions like that! It's impossible!"

"Maybe _you_ can't."

"AGH!" Bastila screams, throwing her arms up in the air in exasperation.

I chuckle as she storms off in a huff. As that leaves me unsupervised, that lets me perform a certain experiment...

_Council Chambers..._

"He is beyond infuriating! Half the time he's goofing off, the other half he's doing things It would take me years to master, the other half he's doing the outright impossible!"

"That's three halves, Padawan."

"THAT'S HOW IMPOSSIBLE HALF THE THINGS HE DOES ARE!"

"Peace, Padawan. From my years of teaching him, I have learned this- He is like the wind. Impossible to contain, full of life, capable of the gentlest caresses, and the most destructive gales. Do not try to contain him. Instead, try to predict where he will flow, and corral him to the path you desire." Master Zhar said.

"Besides,You know how important it is to supervise him." Master Dorak said

"Speaking of which, who did you leave watching him?" Master Vrook asked.

Bastila paled.

_With Naruto..._

"Barkeep! Hardest thing you got, and keep 'em coming! I'm trying to get sloshed enough for two!"

_Council Chambers..._

"Sho...he wash watchin moovies thrugh tha Forcey-thingy, when he wash shupposhed to be meditertating. How dush he doo that?"  
"Are you drunk, Padawan?"  
"I Ain't drunk shit all day, motherfucker."

The four Masters exchanged a glance.

"Revan." they said in unison.

* * *

AN: Kind of short, but want him to be 'graduated' by chapter 20, and there's only so far I can stretch his training.


	24. Chapter 19

Knight of elves: Bastila didn't have a hangover because she didn't drink much. Naruto did, and the 'drunkenness' transferred through the bond. Naruto was just as drunk, or would've been, but he's got a freakish resistance to toxins. Bastila doesn't. Also, he was indeed watching movies that haven't come out yet. The movie he was watching (with the song) was Rocky, a Sylvester Stallone movie. There was a training montage in there that was set to that song (eye of the Tiger).

He's been doing this the whole fic. In this fic, the Original Trilogy was set roughly 400 years ago. This is 4000 years before that. So far he has quoted Jaws, Blackadder, Monty Python, Star Trek, probably a few others, and knows the lyrics to Meatloaf songs, and knows of the Rick Roll. He did this ENTIRELY through force precognition.

AN: Sorry, last chapter I said I wanted him graduated by 20. This was a mistake. I wanted him graduated enough to leave the enclave by 20. While it wont be epic as in "riding a rancor into battle", it will be epic in the "Naruto is completely off his meds, and it's hilarious" sense.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Final Exam**_

I examine my bottle of medicine. I just took the last ones. Carth and Canderous put in the order for more, but bureaucracy slowed them down (Namely, the fact my prescription was written by a Sith psychiatrist), and they don't keep my 'scrip stocked here, anyway. They had to send a shipment entirely for it, and it'll arrive the day after tomorrow.

I think I can hold it together 'til then.

I head to the Council Chambers, where my 'final exam' of sorts will be.

I recite the Jedi Code for Master Dorak, who then quizzes me on 'what type' of Jedi I want to be.

"Master Dorak, the need for classification baffles me. Nothing falls into neat, tidy folders. Asking me what kind of Jedi I want to be, is like what kind of person I want to be. Something which does not fall into a distinct category. I enjoy philosophy, like a Consular. I believe in balance, like a Sentinel. I do not shy away from battle, like a Guardian. I am all, yet none. Asking me to pick a category is like asking me to split myself." I reply.

Dorak beams at me. "A very enlightened answer, Initiate Uzumaki. but which title do you feel, if you were to pick one, defines you _more?_"

I stop and think. "None of them. To deny those other parts, would be foolish. That is an issue I have with the Jedi Code, actually. It preaches the elimination of things like love and hatred, rather than how to accept them and use them for constructive ends. People can't just turn on and off parts of their personality like a switch. It serves as a pressure cooker. The more you try to cram down, and completely suppress those parts, the more likely it is to boil over. The code should preach controlled release, not complete suppression. I will accept no title, no classification. If I am Jedi, I am Jedi. If I am not, I am not."

"While I am enjoying this debate, we need to decide what color of lightsaber crystal you will use during Zhar's test."

"Oh, is that all? Orange."

"I am afraid I do not have an orange crystal."

"I do."

"Wha-? How?"

"Smuggler."

He gave me a long look, before letting it go.

I easily ace Zhar's lesson, how to build a lightsaber.

Little known fact, well over half the spare lightsabers the Order has were built by me. Why? I wanted to experiment, things like length, alloys, lenses, the way those things were assembled. I learned more about lightsaber construction than probably even Vandar.

I literally did it blindfolded.

Orange, very similar in construction to my first one. A Dual-phase, meaning that there is a mechanism that allows adjustment of the length, up to twice the normal length of a lightsaber.

Vrook tests my abilities to use my new lightsaber. I am forced to use the Shii-Cho form, which is a training style, being the first lightsaber style ever developed. It's difficult for me to not use the acrobatic Ataru, the aggressive Djem-So, or the Ferocious Juyo that I'm used to, but it's good to get back to basics. I pass, naturally.

By the time I finish, I can feel ny meds begin to wear off. They'll be completely out of my system by tomorrow. That being said, I turn in, my 'Graduation' being tomorrow.


	25. Chapter 20

Because I'm a moron who forgot to put these last chapter:

Enpsychopedia: Lightsaber Forms

Form 1, Shii-Cho - The building block of all lightsaber combat, facing a person using a lightsaber who doesn't know Shii-Cho is like finding a mathematician who doesn't know how to add. Formed when lightsabers were first invented, it was easy to use, basic, and has no capability to unlock a lightsaber's potential, just as you can't do all of math with just addition.

Form 2: Makashi- Essentially, Space-fencing. Count Dooku used this exclusively. Good for one on one lightsaber battles, less so for multiple opponents and blasters. Naruto's worst at this form, but still is as good as a newly promoted Knight would be with their chosen style.

Form 3: Soresu- A very passive style, focused on outlasting the opponent, and relies on counterattacking for offence. Obi-Wan was a master of this style. Would be Naruto's worst style, if not for his natural stamina.

Form 4: Ataru- A highly acrobatic style, which Yoda favored. Naruto does too, as his shinobi Training highly relies on mobility. Naruto is easily Master level with this style. His third best.

Form 5: Shien/ Djem-So- An aggressive style, focused on overpowering and dominating your opponent. Very close to Soresu, but whereas a practitioner of Soresu would wait for an opening, a practitioner of Shien would create one. Anakin Skywalker used this. Shien can also be used in a reverse blade position, which was favored by Starkiller (Galen Marek, protagonist of the Force Unleashed). Actually, Canon Revan was also good at the Reverse blade style.

Djem-So is a variant of Shien, emphasizing brute force. Canon Revan can be seen falling into a Djem-So "Falling Avalanche" Stance right before being shelled by Malak. Djem-So was also used by both Luke Skywalker and Vader during their final battle. Where Luke counterattacks Vader, cutting his arm off, then starts using his lightsaber as a glowy club to beat the hell out of Vader? Djem-So. Both Shien and Djem-So have a comparative lack of mobility, however. Naruto's second best style, and the one he uses most often.

Form 6: Niman- a blend combining all of the above into one style, so no weaknesses remain. It has no strengths either. Naruto is middling with this.

Form 7: Juyo- Three words would sum up this style. Ferocity. Unpredictability. Chaos. Describes Naruto, doesn't it? Juyo requires heavy emotional Investment to use. This led to the Jedi restricting who could learn it. Mace Windu and surprisingly, Master Vrook were masters of this style, as is Naruto. His best style, but his official "win" button, reserved for "Oh Shit!" moments.

Jar'Kai- Dual wielding.

Dun Moch: A Sith Style, not focused on lightsaber combat, but of the erosion of will. Force Psychological warfare, in summary. Favored by Sidious and Traya, and second nature to Naruto . Convincing Zabuza to kill Gato? Dun Moch. Redeeming Gaara? Dun Moch. Convincing Tsunade to return? Dun Moch. Killing Intent and some genjutsu fall under this.

Dun Moch is also the only way to kill Darth Sion in Kotor 2.

AN: Sorry for the lack of update, but General consensus says that the Original chapter sucked, so I rewrote the main chapter. Or, rather, I'm skipping most of the filler and doing the main Juhani quest instead. But, for those of you who did like it, I'm including it as an omake at the end. It works better that way in hindsight. Also, I have been hard at work renovating my house, so I have't been able to write this past week.

Garm88: I'm aware, but Naruto's the type to take things literally, and quite frankly spent more time studying martial forms. his Master, Arran Kae, was highly neutral, seeking knowledge and enlightenment, no matter the source, and how to apply it. Verypragmatic, without really being hung up on dogma. She didn't the cram the Code down his throat, she barely touched on it. In fact, she herself became a Sith. Master Zhar assumed he already understood the code. I'm going with what's in character for him, not trying to create an omnicient, all knowing, never wrong OC.

And what's in his character is to have a violent, negative reaction to so much as a hint of the teachings of ROOT, which _do_ teach complete suppression.

Anyway, enough infobomb. on to the story.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Threshold**_

After the ceremony, promoting me to Padawan, I am tasked with 'cleansing' a grove. Inari-dammit, even the frickin' MONKS have me running D-ranks. Also, this grove must apparently be on the other side of the planet, because on the way there I help a crime scene investigation, resolve a blood feud, wipe out a bandit camp, help a raped droid into witness protection or something (don't ask), and go spelunking and find enough lightsaber crystals to supply an army. That or Dantooine is like the Nar Shadda of the core worlds. Nah, not enough hookers for that to be the case.

At any rate, Carth, Canderous and I finally make it to the 'tainted' grove. there's a Padawan meditating there.

"Greetings. I am Naruto Uzumaki, Padawan of the Jedi Order. i have received reports of a... taintedness I'm supposed to get rid of. Do you know..." She has her lightsaber out, and is attacking me before I can finish. Shien style, I believe. She's good, but I'm better. She's easily suppressed. "Well, that was uncalled for. Maybe now you can tell me about this taint."

"I am the taint." Now that she mentions it, I _can_ sense a little dark side in her, but not much. I frown, though. the Council had to have known it was a person. They had to have known that to a military man, which I unquestionably was, would interpret 'remove' as an order to kill. But that's not my concern now. She is.

"Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't just wake up one morning, and say, 'you know, I think I'll turn to the Dark Side, you know, just vary the morning routine a little'. You had to have had a reason. I want to know that reason."

"I...slew my master, Quatra. We were sparring, and she...said something that got me angry. I lashed out, and..." she sobbed.

I pulled her into a hug.

"Accidents happen. Do not blame yourself. Everyone gets angry, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, she should have known better than to intentionally get someone's blood up when you're swinging at each other with deadly weapons, anyway. It was an accident. No one, least of all her, can blame you. Go back, explain the situation. Show them how deeply you regret your mistake, for that's what it was. No one becomes a monster from losing their temper once. They will forgive you, but that's hollow. Forgive yourself. Then you will be free of what little sway the Dark Side holds over you."

"Thank you..." she murmurs, before taking off towards the temple.

A few hours later, I finally return. what took me? I did some shopping. Armor, blasters, medpacks, that kind of thing.

I get tackled by a catgirl the second I walk in through the Enclave gate. Unfortunately for me, it's one of the 'lioness who got beat with a shovel until it had a squashed face that could pass for human, and broke its spine and became bipedal' catgirls, not one of the cute anime ones.

"Oh, I am so glad you redeemed me! It turns out, my master was merely wounded! The whole thing was a test!"

I freeze, as realization hits me.

The whole thing was a test.

Killing intent rolls off of me, and I can feel my fangs and fingernails lengthening. I am good and proper _pissed._

_"BASTILA!" _I mentally shout, through our bond.

_"What?! What's wrong?!" _She replies, worriedly.

_"Assemble the Council. If they aren't in the Council Chambers by the time I am, I am personally kicking down their doors and DRAGGING them there."_

I cut off the bond, before she can reply.

"Carth, come with me. I wish to illustrate something to the Council."

Freaked out by my KI, and sudden change of demeanor, he obeys.

At the council chambers, I see the Council is there, waiting. They look distinctly uncomfortable, like I might whip out my lightsaber and cut them down at a moments notice. To be fair, I haven't completely ruled it out.

"Thank you for being so prompt, _Masters_. You see, I have a little... Ethics problem. Namely, I had too much of them to fall into your little _trap, and you too little."_

"We don't know what you mean, Padawan." Vrook claimed.

"_Of Course_ you don't. The Padawan you ordered me to _remove_, just told me you tested her, by convincing her she murdered her master. Distraught, she turned to the dark side, feeling she had no other place _to_ turn. You then order me to remove her. Not telling me it was a poor, scared girl."

"Which you did admirably." Dorak said.

"Yes, I suppose I _did_. _UNEXPECTEDLY_ so. CARTH!" I bark.

He immediately snaps to attention.

"You are a military man, yes? One of great respectability, renowned among his troops for his morals, yes.?"

"Well, I wouldn't say renow..."

"Answer the question." I cut him off.

"Yes."

"If I ordered you to remove a threat, and that's all I ordered, and someone came at you with a weapon, would you assume I meant to kill that someone?"

"Yes."

"Any military man would say the same, am I wrong?"

"No, you're right."

"Am I a military man?"

"Yes. You used to be my commanding officer, in fact."

"So I could be expected to come to the same conclusion."

"Yes."

"Thank you, that is all, Carth."

"You expected that a man who had been in the military his whole life, and a Jedi for only a week, would come to the conclusion that I was to save her from herself with words, rather than save everyone _but_ her, from her, with a blaster. Pull the other one. You know what I think, _MASTERS?_ I think...I was meant to fail. So you could prove to yourselves that I was evil, and anything you did to me, anything you could talk me into, would be justified. And all it would take for that peace of mind, was a dead young girl, tricked into thinking she killed the closest thing to a family she had, all so you could blacken my name by appointing me her executioner.

I was willing to play along, _MASTERS._ I was willing to work with you to defeat Malak and the Sith. Until this shit. Know this: Even at my darkest, I would have _never_ pulled a stunt like this. So, what does that make _you?_ _Meditate_ on _that_-_ttebayo." _

As I walk out of the chambers, I say, "Needless to say, I quit."

I return to the _Tatsumaki_, and send everybody a message that says we're taking off by this time tomorrow. Everyone not aboard, is staying. I keep my lightsaber on, and I am awake the whole night, on alert for Jedi assassins. None come.

**Omake: Raven Maelstrom, PI**

Alright, go in, sit through the ceremony, go hole myself up in the Tatsumaki until my shipment arrives. I can do this.

"Congratulations! You are hereby granted the title of Padawan. Your first task..." Master Zhar is interrupted by a man barging into the Council Chambers.

"This is an outrage! I demand you Jedi do something to find my son!"

"Is to get this asshole off of our property." Zhar finishes. Everyone looks at him in shock, though I'm slightly impressed. I'm such a horrible influence. And loving it.

"Oh my, did I say that out loud? What I meant to say was help Mr. Matale find his son."

"On it." This wasn't too bad an assignment. In fact, I'm actually pretty good at investigating. Why, I remember this one case where...

"Padawan, Mr. Matale has left. You might want to go after him, before he does something rash. "

"Oh, okay."

Okay, first things first. Find out if the son is actually missing. Lotsa kids start runnin away from home, especially when they got caught in the middle of old grudges like that's occurring between the Matale's and the_ Hatfields_. So, go out to _Mr. McCoy's place, case the joint_ and see if Sandal's really to blame, or if this Shen kid's just found himself a little _doll he carries a torch for, and wanted to_ _get away from his bluenose old man. Never assume they've been bumped off until ya see the body. Just in case, though, I better bring Candy and Garth. Candy's a hard boiled torpedo, while Garth may be a wet blanket, but he's good with a peashooter._

_I find them in my office on my houseboat._

_"Yo, Candy, Garth. Bring your pieces and shiv's, we've got a gig."_

"What?"

"I think he means he wants us to come with him."

"_Alright, let's get a wiggle on. I wanna end with more greenbacks than we started with."_

_I put on my trusty Fedora, and get on the case, because you can always expect six cylinders from __**Raven Maelstrom, PI**__._

_Today we got a three for one deal. On our way to McCoy's joint, we pass a copper tryin' to pinch a couple of hoods. He's gettin' their statement, which is a whole load of baloney to my experienced ears. he asks for my help, because even the PD know they picked the right guy with __**Raven Maelstrom, PI.**__ The case was child's play. they both tried to bump off the same guy at the same time, for leaving them holding the bag on their business deals. The Cop wasn't as much of a pushover as first assumed, he was just testin' my chops. Hopefully this means I can get them to shill out for my consultin' more often._

_He kept on callin' me a Paddy, though. Do I look frickin' Irish? Apparently I must, because another copper calls me the same thing. _

_Next was a missing butler, or something. Turns out he ran away, because some dame was stuck on him after her husband started pushin' up daisies, and apparently won't take no for an answer. I help him get a new set of papers, and help him find a job with a less cuddly employer. I tell her some hoods got him. Maybe she can move on now, though I never like to see a dame leak like a faucet like this one did._

_Now for the case that got me out here. Turns out, the Hatfields and McCoys had a little Romeo and Juliet situation. Only that Mercutio got eaten by dogs, instead. So Hatfield kidnapped Romeo when he was in the Struggle Buggy with Juliet, because he thought McCoy did it._

_Fortunately, I manage to talk 'em down before anyone kills themselves, or someone else. _

_Just another day on the case for the legendary gumshoe, __**Raven Maelstrom, PI.**_

The council stares at me blankly, before Zhar sighs. "You forgot your medicine, didn't you."


	26. Chapter 21

AN: To clarify, while Naruto's assumptions from last chapter are logical, they are incorrect. The Juhani thing was completely unrelated, and the Masters simply forgot for a moment that he wasn't supposed to have several years experience as a Jedi. Also, keep in mind Naruto's off his meds. I have been hinting for several chapters that he has PTSD (Uncontrollable flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, nearly killing a man for startling him, etc.). In Naruto's case, this is combined with some paranoia. I hope I've made it realistic, with both trying to be subtle about it, and by making him aware of, and trying to fix the problem, unlike most fics which try to exaggerate the symptoms and keep beating people over the head with the problems for 'drama'. If I have failed in that, I apologize. But, long story short, he sometimes has lapses of judgment. That is the difficulty in writing a first person fic, is that them being wrong never occurs to the reader, as you see it from the eyes of the person making the wrong judgement.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Takeoff**_

Twenty two hours later, the crew, minus Bastila, were in the meeting room of the _Tatsumaki._

"Look, I admit, it looked shady as hell, but can't you accept the possibility that they could have made a bad call, instead of a malicious one?" Carth reasoned.

"I can accept the possibility, but you don't know what they do." I reply.

"And what _don't_ I know?" Carth asked, warily.

"I have a bit of a confession to make. You see, I was never a smuggler. That was something the Jedi cooked up. I actually used to be a Sith." Mission jerked away in surprise, while Carth all but snarled at me.

"_WHAT." _Carth growled.

"I used to be a Sith. Dark Jedi, to be precise. I was captured by the Jedi when they attempted to assassinate Darth Revan. They then tried using the Force to completely wipe out my mind, leaving only the intelligence they were looking for. They failed, though they didn't realize it. They then thought I could lead them to the source of the Sith Fleet, the Star Forge, a device that allows the construction of a ship for one one-thousandth of the needed materials. They most likely wanted to have me by the balls for killing that poor girl, so I would do what they wanted."

"Why were you a Sith? You're one of the nicest guys I know!" Mission exclaims.

"I felt the Jedi Code vilified emotional attachments. As you know, I used to be married, and as such I have a high respect for said emotional attachments. Basically, the Jedi said, 'don't have any friends, don't have any loved ones.' I replied, 'To hell with _that_!'"

"That explains why you left the Jedi. Why join the Sith?"

"It was what I thought I grew up with. In my hometown, they had a philosophy, called the 'Will of Fire. Basically, It said that the reason we were so strong was because we all trusted, respected, and cared for one another, and that bond gave us strength. The Sith Code is "Peace is a lie, there is only Passion. Through Passion I gain Strength. Through Strength I gain Victory. Through Victory my chains are broken." See the resemblance? Of course, the "Peace is a lie, there is only passion, therefore I can do whatever the fuck I want" camp kind of ruined it for me. I was actually considering ditching the Sith on my own when the Jedi made the choice for me."

"So, you know where this 'Star Forge' is?" Carth asked.

I shake my head. "Nope. I used a force technique to make me forget just before I was captured. I do, however, know where to find the maps to it, which are broken up into five pieces. I already have one on me, which, ironically, is a copy of the map located here on Dantooine. The other four are located on Tatooine, Kashyyyk, Manaan, and Korriban. Those are our next destinations. Any more questions?"

"Yes." Carth said. "You said the Jedi's _attempted_ assassination of Darth Revan. Does that mean he's still alive?"

"Yes. He is." I reply.

"Where is he?"

"What makes you think I know? I was in Jedi slash Republic custody the whole time afterwards. Any more questions before we adjourn?

"Yeah. Well, more of a statement." Mission said. "In the future, you really need to turn your paranoia down a couple of notches."

"What makes you say that?"

"You know what! Seriously, you were searching my..uh...feminine items for bombs!"

"You can never be too careful, Mish."

"If you were searching my tampons for magical exploding scribbles, then yes, you CAN be too careful!"

"I'll have you know I actually killed someone using that exact same tactic. But fine, I'll keep out of your stuff. Just don't come crying to me when your giblets get gibbed."

"That's all I ask."

Right as I get up to head to the cockpit, Bastila and the catgirl Jedi enter the ship.

"I come bearing peace offerings." Bastila said. she handed me a medicine bottle. My 'scrips! I can't believe I almost forgot those! I down the bottle in one go.

"That can't be healthy."

"Due to my ridiculous immune system, that was to me, what would be an ordinary dose for someone else. Anyway, what's up?"

"The Council wishes to inform you that you were mistaken, they had no sinister plot to frame you. However, they can see how you could come to such a conclusion, and do not fault you for it. They wish for Juhani and I to accompany you to...wherever it is you're going, as liaisons."

I sigh. "Fine, I'll give them a shot. Juhani, pick out a bunk. Female quarters are starboard. Bastila, your old one should do. In the meantime, I'm taking off towards Tatooine. There's an old friend of mine who will be most eager to join us there.


	27. Chapter 22

ChronoMitsurugi: I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you, on last chapter being a 'cop out.' I saw it as in character. It was in character for him to become angry at the Council, and make that known. It is not in character for him to completely refuse to hear the other side out. That being said, he will remain skeptical for quite some time, but he won't just refuse them a second chance out of spite.

_**SotOR**_

_**Anchored at Anchorhead**_

I exited the Tatsumaki, Bastila, Mission, Carth, and Canderous in tow.

"Excuse me, sir! You're going to have to pay the docking fee!" An obvious bureaucrat says as he approaches me. He seems nervous, which normally I would chalk up to Canderous's presence, but every ship has a couple of toughs on board in this part of the galaxy, so that can't be it.

"Before I do, is there anything you need to tell me?" I ask, putting a hint of the Force into my voice.

"Umm, there _was_ this _slight_ mixup. You see, the previous ship left quite suddenly, before a shipment it ordered could be loaded. It was loaded onto your ship by mistake. We removed it, but it appears some of the Gizka being transported...escaped."

"So, there's a bunch of Gizka on my ship. And knowing how fast they breed, there's more than likely quite a few of them."

"Yes."

"Well, I would love to pay the docking fee, but it appears I must hire someone to remove the gizka _you_ put on my ship. Of course, if _you_ were to have them all removed, I would then have no reason to not pay the docking fee."

The bureaucrat did some quick math in his head, and then decided hiring a crew to clean them out wouldn't be worth the docking fee. And if he pressed the issue, it could mean a PR stink.

"Very well, in apology, the docking fee is waived for the duration of your stay. Have a nice day, sir."

As he walked away, Bastila glared at me.

"Like hell I'm paying him for messing my ship up." I replied to the unspoken statement.

Bastila sighed in defeat.

Inside Anchorhead, we quickly learn several things. One, Mission's brother, Griff, is working for Czerka, though he's gone missing, presumably captured by the Sand People. Two, one of Canderous' old war buddies is still alive, and not his buddy. He went all "Pistols at the crack of dawn!" on us, as apparently Canderous used the guy's unit as bait at one point during the war.

Three, Bastila was not an evolved dust bunny from the Jedi Archive that gained sentience after listening to people drone on about the Jedi code over the course of millennia, as is popularly believed. Well, popularly believed among my shadow clones, at any rate. Yes, she was born just like everyone else, although from the sound of things, bitchiness is genetic. Her mother is bitching up a storm in a bar.

Well, best save the helpless drunks from the horrendous rampage of the fearsome monstrosity known as the PMSing Shan.

Inside the bar...

"What do you mean, Father's dead!?"

Oh, this is off to a lovely start.

"He died, chasing after the artifacts he chased after all his life. I warned him to slow down, but..."

"Liar! You were the one to pressure him into going after them! Just as you pressured him into giving me to the Jedi!"

"It was his idea to give you to the Jedi! It was a difficult decision, but we both wanted what was best for you!"

"Try pulling the other one. What is it that you want, anyway? You always want something."

"Yes. There is something I want. Your father's holocron. It would be the only thing I have left of him."

"No. I would never let you..."SMACK!

Many following this conversation would assume it was Helena, Bastila's mother, who just bitch-slapped her. They would be wrong. It was me.

"I was going to hold my tongue on this, Bastila. Unfortunately, you forced my hand. First of all, Your father going artifact-hunting in order to get money for your mother. Wrong. Archeology is a practice one gets into because they enjoy it, not because it makes them money. It's not exactly a lucrative business, nor a stable one. Second, them giving you to the Jedi. That was the right call, regardless on how you or I feel about them. Did you know, on Mount Myoboku, where I trained in the Force, they had a statuary. Dozens of statues. One statue for every person _killed_ trying to control the power. The statues were not replicas, however. The statues _were_ their corpses, warped and ossified by the very power they sought. Trying to wield the Force without guidance is nothing short of stupid. And you would have tried. Any kid would. Thirdly, this woman just lost a loved one. One who she has spent at least two decades with, loving each other. And you wish to deny her the only memento she has, out of _spite_!? You don't know what she's going through. I do. If someone walked in that door, right now, and said I would get one minute with my Yuna, for every person I kill, every single motherfucker in this bar would be dead before he finished the sentence. Except Mission. Yuna would've frickin' _loved_ Mission. You have _no_ idea what your mother's going through. I understand that it isn't a cakewalk for you either, but I won't let you make it _worse_ for all parties involved because you want to be _petty_!" I turn to Helena. "I will get the holocron for you, Mrs. Shan. Do you have any idea where to start looking for it?'

"He would have had it on him. He died in the Krayt Dragon Cave, outside Anchorhead."

"Excellent, we were heading there anyway."

I move to leave, and Canderous, Carth, Mission, and Bastila move to follow me.

"No. Bastila. Stay here. Sort this _shit_ out with your mother."

I then continue out.

"Umm, you wouldn't _really_ kill me if it got you another minute with your late wife, right?" Carth asked.

"No offense, but as much as I like you, Carth, I like my wife better. I thought you of all people would understand."

"I understand the _sentiment._"

"Well then, there's the answer. Now come on, I have a couple of old friends we need to see."


	28. Chapter 23

AN: Okay, it appears I must clear up a misconception. The summary quote is not an actual event. It was more to capture the spirit of the story, so people didn't see Revan!Naruto and assume he lost all of his traits that made him Naruto in order to make him a Sith Lord. Also, it was to contrast how people in the story see the Big Bad Darth Revan, and the reality. This is the case for all of this series' summaries. For instance, I highly doubt I will make Naruto talk like a pirate in SotA. Well, SotA Naruto was the Rear Admiral in charge of the Corsairs, which kind of act like privateers, So he may in a flashback, but don't expect him to do it often enough to require a designated translator.

SotOR

Old Friends

We approach a store, marked "Maelstrom Fox Parasol & Umbrella Emporium", with a cartoon of a fox hiding under an umbrella on the sign.

"Guys, prepare to meet Zorro the Hutt."

"So, what is this store a front for?" Canderous asks.

"What?"

"Well, it's a Hutt. What kind of cargo is he using this business to move?"

"Umbrellas."

"No, seriously."

"Seriously. Zorro's a little….unique. He feels that if a massive rainstorm were to happen on Tatooine, it would be over before a shipment could arrive, so he keeps a stockpile. Also, since he's the only one with the 'foresight' to stock on umbrellas on Tatooine, he could name his own price in such an event. I convinced him to change the name to 'parasol' so he could get a steady trickle of business, rather than rely on a massive one-off event to make any money at all."

"That doesn't sound like a good business model." Carth commented.

"Yeah, most other Hutts think he's crazy. He replies 'I'm Crazy…like a fox!' every time it's said to his face. Considering he made a _huge_ profit during the Monsoon of Tatooine, he may have a point."

"Monsoon of Tatooine?"

"Yeah, happened two years ago. Rained for two weeks straight."

"What caused _that?"_ Carth asked.

"Suiton jutsu gone wrong."

"A what?"

"It's… Complicated. Think of it as a Force technique, but slightly different. My people believed there were five different 'elements', and they could be channeled, like the Force. Suiton roughly translates as "Water Style", referring to one of those techniques that use the Water Element. I was practicing one, and I kind of overpowered it."

"And it monsooned for two weeks." Mission said skeptically.

"I _really_ overpowered it."

Mission scoffed. "Whatever." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"Alright, I can see you don't believe me, but that doesn't matter right now. Before we enter, I will warn you right now, don't steal _anything._ Not only am I a co-owner, but he has a couple of Jacks as security."

Canderous and Carth both recoiled in surprise.

"Okay, no touching _anything_..." Carth said to himself.

"Jacks?" Mission asked.

"JAAC's." Us three veterans said.

"And what does that stand for?"

"Jedi Armed Assistance Corp."

"And those are..?"

"Well you see, during the Mandalorian Wars, the Jedi who fought the Mandalorians were forbidden to do so by the council. To get around this, they signed up as medics in the Mercy Corps, which was technically allowed, and "forgot" to register as a conscientious objectors. However, considering there were Jedi signing up that couldn't diagnose a paper cut, but could wield a 'saber like a demon, It didn't take long for the Jedi Council to get wise, and start preparing to put restrictions on the Mercy Corp. So, in order to prevent that, as we didn't want to torpedo ACTUAL conscientious objectors' ability to serve as medics, we created, then transferred to, the JAAC. Even then, we were only technically supposed to serve as advisors and support, thus the Assistance bit, but no one really listened to that. So, JAAC's are

Jedi that actually fought, and as such kicked out of the Order. These particular ones didn't want to join the Sith afterwards, and as such had no place to go. Zorro hires 'em, in order to help them. I've said it once, I'll say it a million times, Zorro's good people."

"Of course, having former Jedi as security doesn't hurt."

"Of course. Zorro's crazy, not stupid."

Now that people were sufficiently informed, I walked inside.

"Naruto, Old Buddy! What brings you to this dustbowl of a planet?" Zorro asks from behind the counter.

"Business, I'm afraid. Although, I have to thank you for getting the _Tatsumaki_ finished so quickly. That really saved us a good bit of trouble."

"It was no problem. All it took was a couple of calls. Anyway, I assume you want to leave the city?"

"Yes."

"Then you're going to need these." Zorro said, handing over a couple of cards.

"They're passes for the gate. The city's in lockdown due to the Tusken raids, but those will allow you access in and out. Also, HK-47 is here, if you would like some company."

"I would, and I'll see what the Sand People want while I'm out, too. I'll see if I can get them off people's backs."

Zorro stroked his many chins thoughtfully. "They only really get like this in times of emergency. Either someone's been giving them a hard time, and they're retaliating, or they need the loot. Either way, take a couple of Moisture Vaporators. That could help pacify them. After all, Water's worth it's weight in gold out there in the desert." Zorro said, reaching under the counter, and pulling out a couple of vaporators.

"Wait, you just _happened_ to have those on you?" Mission asks.

"Of course. This is Tatooine. A couple of spare vaporators are always a good idea, and a good investment. I'm crazy, not stupid." Zorro replied.

"Oh, right." Mission actually looked a little embarrassed.

"Although, I'm a little curious as to how you're going to negotiate with the Tuskens." Carth stated.

"With a blaster, most likely." Canderous said.

"No. Actually, I can understand Tusken, and some Sand People can understand basic, namely chiefs and such, who we're going to be talking with. And just in case they can't, HK can speak Tusken. The only reason I can't is due to vocal cord issues." I reply.

"Yeah, Naruto's kind of an Omniglot. Anyway, I'll go get HK." Zorro says, slithering off to a backroom.

"Okay, what the hell did you _do_ to get so chummy with a _Hutt_ he just gives you crap just because you ask him?" Canderous asks.

"One, I'm his business partner. Half the crap he's giving me is mine anyway. Two, I saved him from multiple assassination attempts. Three, I'm his Martial Arts instructor. That helped him survive a couple of Hutt death duels. I had to fricking _invent_ a Hutt Martial Art in order to do so, but I managed. All three of those are explanations of how he owns this store, a shipyard, and a shipping corporation, among other things, and how he lived long enough to keep it. Also, sometimes I use Force Precognition to get insider information on the Stock market. All in all, I _earn_ it. I just prefer letting him handle the day to day, which he does an excellent job of."

"Wait, Hutts have death duels?" Carth asked.

"Yeah, mainly over things like inheritance and territory disputes, rather than things like honor. They're rare, but they happen."

"Greeting: It is good to see you alive, Master! How may I be of service?"

I turn towards the speaker, a rust-red droid. He used to be a dark orange, but this is a good look too.

"It's good to see you, HK. I hope you're up for a little work. First, we have to sort out this Sand People business. Then, we have to go to the Krayt Dragon Cave. If there's actually a Krayt Dragon there, and it's not just a name..."

"Statement: There is, Master."

"Then we may have to kill it. They are extremely territorial, and don't even let other Krayt Dragons pass anywhere near them. I can't mind trick it into letting us by without overriding even its most basic instincts."

"Acknowledgement: Understood. Please allow me to get my blaster rifle, and I will be ready to depart immediately."

"Take as long as you need, HK. Thanks again, Zorro."

"No problem. Take care out there, Naruto."

With HK in tow, we leave Zorro's shop.


	29. Chapter 24

AN: For those of you who don't know, Hutt Death Duels are actually a thing. I believe one was featured in _A Hutt Gambit_ of the _Han Solo Trilogy._ Just an interesting bit of trivia. Also, I don't really speak Mandalorian, so expect a couple of grammatical errors. If not more.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Aborted Duel**_

As myself and my entourage left for the Anchorhead gate, we reunited with Bastila and Juhani.

"I thought you were talking with your mother." I state.

"Well, yes. I was. However, we both decided it was best if I... saw father one more time."

"It's not going to be pretty, especially if a Krayt Dragon is what killed him."

"I'm well aware of that. In the meantime, my mother is going to be at the hospital, for a treatment she...previously could not afford."

"Let me guess. My boundless generosity is footing the bill."

Bastila looked at her feet, and mumbled, "Yes."

"Okay. Just needed to know so Zorro can redo the numbers." That's one part of business I'm bad at. Zorro is nothing short of a genius at number crunching. The only thing stopping him from becoming a great businessman on his own are Hutt politics, and his...predilection towards High risk, high reward investments.

Bastila looked at me in shock.

"What? You thought I was going to be mad that you used some of the petty cash to help your mom? That's what it's _there for_."

"This was a bit more than "petty cash". She had trouble affording it for a reason. The Shan's weren't exactly poor."

"Were you capable of accessing the funds?"

"Yes."

"Then it was petty cash. Don't worry about it."

Bastila looked like she was about to say something, but decided against it.

"Thank you." She said, instead.

"No problem."

As we approached the gate, we were stopped by the sentries. I present to them the documents Zorro gave me.

"Sir, I'm sorry to say this, but there's a slight problem." One of them says.

"Oh?"

"Yes. For a group this large, there is an...additional fee to use the gate."

Something smells fishy. I softly reach out to their minds with the Force. They're lying, as I suspected. A ploy to extort us. I don't like being extorted. I subtly signal to HK.

He fires, missing the sentry by a hairs' breadth.

"Oh, terribly sorry about my droid. He's experiencing a minor glitch. It causes him to shoot when he detects lies. Say, would you mind repeating that last statement? I didn't hear it over the blaster fire."

"Indignant Correction: Master, the only malfunction was that I forgot to turn off my 'warning shot' targeting program. This has been corrected."

"...I said there was no issue with the paperwork, but the doors are just stuck, so they take a minute to open." The sentry says.

"Oh, well, that's alright. I'm not in a hurry."

As I say that, the doors open.

"Good day." I say, walking past them.

Outside, Bastila turns to glare at me.

"Naruto, what the hell?!"

"What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'? You just had your droid shoot at that poor man!"

"The man who just tried extorting us."

"There were less violent means to convince him to not to do so!"

"So, like what? You wanted me to use the force to brainwash him into thinking he was a fashion designer or something?"

"That would be even _more_ unethical!"

I just _look_ at Bastila.

She gets the hint.

"Wait, you can _do_ that?" Carth asked, kind of freaked out.

"Yeah. All Jedi can. Well, maybe not to that extent, but they know the theory. What do you think Mind Tricks are?"

"….I am now very uncomfortable sharing a ship with three Jedi."

"Declaration: It's even worse being a droid, meatbag. Instead of having to worry about 1/10000th of the population, you have to worry about any jackass with a hydrospanner."

"Don't worry. If we do it right, you won't notice any difference. Besides, the three of us don't exactly see eye to eye on policy, so the three of us should cancel each other out. That, or wipe you into nothing but a mindless husk, and I'm sure people would notice a difference then."

"…Was that supposed to be reassuring? If so, you failed."

"No. If you want reassuring, then know this: Those two probably so subtle that I can't catch them and reverse it, and I'm having so much fun messing with your head the good old fashioned way that using the force to do it feels like cheating."

"And, oddly enough, that _is_ reassuring."

"I _could _just be using the force to make you think that."

Carth glared at me. "Stop trying to mess with my head."

"But it's so much fun…" I whine.

Mission flicks me in the nose. "Bad Naru! Bad!" she says, giggling.

I glare at her. "I have access to paint, cellophane, and glitter, and I know where you sleep. Watch it."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Uh huh. Sure."

I think she doubts my prowess in the Practical Art of Practical Jokes. This heresy cannot stand. I must educate the Non-believer. Believe it.

Goddammit.

Further in the Dune Sea…

"So, where are we supposed this Jagi guy, anyway?" Mission asks.

"He said, 'At the Dunes.'" Canderous replied.

"So, he could be right next to us, or the complete opposite side of the planet." Mission says.

"Pretty much. It could be a ploy to use the desert to wear us out in the attempt to look for him and arrive weakened, or so he can say we didn't show and as such, forfeited." I say.

"Query: May I shoot him if that is the case?"

"Sure. Just keep in mind, Canderous has dibs."

"Acknowledgement: Of course, Master. I wouldn't _dream _of depriving the Mandalorian meatbag a good assassination."

Canderous looks at HK. "I think you and I are going to get along just fine."

"Why did you even _buy_ this murder machine?" Bastila asked, horrified.

"Who, HK or Canderous?"

"The droid."

"One, he can speak Tusken, among other things. Two, I didn't _buy_ him. I _built_ him. Three, so he could shoot all the people I couldn't personally. Four, because I couldn't trust all the other people I had to shoot people I couldn't personally to not shoot _me_."

"Oh, the horror." Bastila said, deadpan.

"When you're trying to run a military? Yes it _is_ horrifying. I _still_ itch where I got hit by that shrapnel."

Canderous raised his fist, in a hand signal meaning 'stop'. "Well, those theories of yours are moot, because there he is." He says.

"So, you actually showed up. Though, It appears you came with backup. You can't even show up to a duel without an army, coward." Jagi sneered.

"Speak for yourself. You think I didn't notice your hired guns?" Canderous retorted.

"They were merely an insurance policy, because I couldn't trust you to come alone. Which appears I was wise in doing."

"Believe me, my companions have no intention of getting involved, unless your thugs do." Canderous assured.

"Well, apart from commenting on how stupid this is." I reply.

"Of course, coming from a aruetyc di'kut."_ (Translation:Stupid Traitor/Outsider.)_

"Copaani mirshmure'cye? Ori'buyce, kih'kovid. Ni kar'taylir be ijaat. Canderous ganar parjai megin tuur. Gar urmankalar megin kaysh payt gar bah ramaanar. Gar echoy'la vod. A megin akaan. Gar takisit haar ijaat be haar taab'echaaj'la. Eparavur takisit, rausen'ye, meh gar liser eyaytir shabiir megin, _chakaar dar'manda_._" (Translation: Are you looking to be hit? All Helmet, No head.[Slang Meaning: You are overstepping your bounds/becoming too arrogant]I know of honor. Canderous gained victory that day. You believe that he left you to die. You lost brothers. But that's war. You insult the honor of the dead. Apologize, or fuck off, if you can avoid screwing up that, scumbag Not Mandalorian [Slang meaning: One who has lost their honor, etc.])_

Canderous and Jagi looked at me, slackjawed. Jagi actually took a couple of steps back.

"I didn't know you knew Mandalorian _that_ well." Canderous said. Not surprising. You typically don't pick up things like slang, metaphors and such without really immersing yourself in the culture.

"Y…y…you're right. I can't believe I... I was foolish." Jagi muttered to himself, distantly. He then put his blaster pistol to his head, and pulled the trigger.

I stared at the corpse. "Huh, wasn't expecting that."


	30. Chapter 25

_**SotOR**_

_**Unexpected Summons**_

After quite some time scouring the sands for the Tusken camp, we finally come across it. It had several blaster turrets set up, preventing us from moving further. Well, without picking a fight.

"HK, announce us. Tell them we wish to negotiate, and we bear gifts as a token of our goodwill."

He does so. We are waved in a minute afterward.

"HK, translate for me, and none of your creative editorials." I order.

"Acknowledgement: Yes, Master."

"Why does he always say what kind of phrase he's about to say?" Juhani asks.

"Because I can never tell when he's joking without it. Well, unless he's being sarcastic, and he WANTS me to know he's being sarcastic. Before I put that in, he once told me he vented a whole section of a ship because I told him they needed some fresh air, and I believed it. Of course, I mobilized an emergency response team, and they were NOT happy to know I mobilized them for no reason, once it turned out HK was pulling my leg. So, the clarification program. Of course, he can give false clarifications if I order him to."

"・ droid that plays practical jokes." Bastila said disbelievingly.

"Of course. Keep in mind who programmed him."

"・an't argue with that."

"Anyway, back to negotiations. Greetings, honored chief. I have come to request there be a cease fire between your warriors and the people of Anchorhead."

HK translated.

The Chief responded, "(Translated from Tusken: We are merely trying to survive. We raid in order to get food and water. And the warriors of your Czerka tribe have declared war on us, even going so far as to pay tribeless hunters for our Gaffi sticks. However, We are willing to seek peace, on two conditions. One, your 'Czerka' Tribe ceases fire on us. Second, you give us some of your 'moisture vaporators'. That should help us have enough water to drink and cultivate some food.)"

"You are in luck, Chieftain. For those gifts I previously mentioned happen to be Moisture Vaporators. Also, my tribe will pressure the Czerka tribe to cease their aggression. While I cannot speak for their tribe, I can expect they will reduce their hunting of your people. Of course, I have no objections if you defend yourself from their warriors. It is merely those who are not warriors, who are victims of this conflict, that are my concern."

HK translates.

"(Translated from Tusken: Then we have a deal. We will cease our attacks, except to defend ourselves from the Czerka tribe.")

"Thank you, Honored Chief. Although, I have one more thing to ask. A number of people have gone missing in the desert. I was wondering if you may have an idea where we can find them."

He motioned down a hall. ""(Translated from Tusken: All the ones we have found are imprisoned down that hall. Take them if you wish.)"

"Thank you."

After I hand him the Vaporators, I head down the hall indicated.

Inside the cell, there is a troop of Jawas, and a Twilek wearing a Czerka uniform.

"Griff!" Mission shouts, and moves to hug him.

"Mission?! What are you doing here? I thought you were on Taris!"

"I'm here to get you out! Also, this guy here was kind enough to get me out of there." I give a slight wave.

"・ow much did you pay him?"

"Nothing. Okay, well, I'm kinda working on his crew, but nothing too bad."

"Well, that's good. How did you find me?"

"Your ex, Lena, told us you were here. Although, she said something weird. She said you were the one who insisted I stay behind on Taris."

I saw him flinch. Uh oh, Mission won't like this・

"Well, you see, I had no idea how things would turn out. So, rather than make you leave everything you knew, for something probably worse・I figured I would just come back when I knew things were stable."

I suppose I can kind of understand that. After all, the galaxy's a dangerous place. I'm not saying Taris wasn't, but better the devil you know, and all that.

"I can't believe you! You left me behind?! Do you have any idea what I went through? Do you have any idea what could have happened, if I didn't have Zaalbar?! I get that it was dangerous, but I would have at least have had my brother! And you never even bothered to ask me!"

I get ready to intervene. Mission has a point, but so does Griff. It can't have been easy on him to make that call, and you can't expect a girl as young as she was to be objective.

"I understand that you're angry, Mission, so I'll get out of your hair. Thank you for rescuing me, I guess. Say, I hate to ask, but you wouldn't happen to have a few credits? Just to help me get by, as I'm between jobs at the moment."

And he just lost any sympathy I might have had with him.

"What. I come all this way, and the first thing you do is hit me up for credits." She says. She doesn't raise her voice, but her voice is like a steel blade.

"Fine. Here's some credits. But I never want to see you again." Mission says, then walks off.

"It appears my sister is rather mad at me. Oh well, she'll calm down. Say, could you...?"

"HK, please tell Griff that I have killed at least one person with every weapon known to humans, ranging from Ship mounted artillery to gardening tools to toads. Also, please let him know, I'm not too pleased with him at the moment. As such, if I were to reply to his question directly, it would be both nonverbal and very painful for him. However, as I'm not heartless, Please tell him I know Zorro the Hutt is hiring, though whether or not he gets, and stays, hired, is all up to him."

"Acknowledgement: Of Course, Master. (Translated from Huttese: Utter one more syllable and die, meatbag. If you truly wish for money, Go to Zorro and beg like a dog. If he is feeling merciful, he may help you. If you break whatever deal Zorro makes with you, however, you will wish I had shot you here and now.)"

As Griff runs off, Bastila looks at HK and I. "It's like you two have a competition to out-psycho the other."

"I prefer to think of it of our, "Bad cop, Serial killer cop routine. Besides, be thankful Canderous is too busy sharing war stories with a Tusken warrior to get in on it."

"How is he doing that, by the way? I don't think he knows Tusken."

I peer over at Canderous, who is animatedly pantomiming to a Sand Person, who pantomimes back.

"Charades, it looks like."

A few hours after leaving the Tusken Compound, we came across a cave.

"Here we are, the Krayt Dragon Cave."

"You've been here before?" Bastila asked.

"Twice. One visit to put the map here, the other to find it again."

"And how did you deal with the dragon?" Carth asked.

"The dragon's...new."

"So why do you call it the Krayt Dragon Cave?" Mission asked.

"Because it sounds more badass than Map Cave."

Bastila facepalmed.

"So, how are we going to deal with it?"

"I'm going to kick it's ass, that's how. Alongside my old allies, who have helped me since before some of you were born."

"So・where are these allies of yours?" Canderous said.

"I haven't summoned them yet. SUMMONING JUTSU!" I yell, focusing on summoning the largest toad available.

Arising from the cloud of smoke, was a toad about the size of a Rancor. It was purple, wore a crown, and・had blond hair?

"Okay, what?" I ask in shock.

"Where am I? Why am I outside of my palace?" He asked in a flamboyant voice. He looked at me. "You! Why did you kidnap me?"

"I didn't kidnap you. I summoned you. There's a difference. Now, what is your name, member of the Toad Tribe, and what is your specialty?"

"Don Phibianacci. I specialize in economics and the art of Binding." The toad responded automatically to the question. Summons are usually drilled into answering such questions, because let's face it, that's the first thing summoners usually ask.

"Binding? You mean the jutsu that allows you to combine materials?"

"Yes. Though I could have sworn you knew this already. You couldn't have gotten far in Albana without knowing this."

"Never been there in my life."

"LIAR! You were just in my palace!"

"Wait, is Albana on the same continent as Balandor?"

"Yes..." he said, looking at me as if I was an Idiot.

"Oh, then that was my clone."

"Wait, you CLONED yourself?!" Bastila screamed, horrified that there was more than one of me running around.

"Well, it's not a clone in the 'stuck my DNA into a petri dish' sense. It's a force technique, that , in this instance, gives a solid form that contains some of the essence of the original. this particular clone contains my...softer side."

"What does THAT mean?"

"Basically, my aggressive, rowdy, impulsive, impatient side is all you know, because my clone has the rest of me."

"Dude, you are the nicest guy I know. You're saying that your clone is even NICER?"

"Considering he has microscopic amounts of my aggressiveness, almost exponentially so. The 'whole' me evens out somewhere in the middle. Then again, I never said he was a saint. He's just very...thoughtful."

"Yes...Well, why did you...summon me?" Don Phibianacci asked, then went deep into thought. A thought struck him.

"Wait, how DID you summon me? the only possible way is through the Toad Contract, which was lost after the Harvest War. The only one who knows where it is, is the Second Toad Sage and he..."

"Speaking."

The purple toad paled. He examined me, and then his eyes widened in shock.

"You're not lying. You're actually alive!"

He paused, recovering from the shock. When he calmed down, he said, "Very well, how may I serve?"

"I'm about to fight a dragon. How are your combat skills?"

"Combat skills? Good Sir, I am a businessman, not some sellsword! My security comes from people knowing only I can get them what they want. If I absolutely need more than that, there is always room for ...military contractors in the budget. But such things are largely unnecessary. No one wants to risk Don Phibianacci placing an embargo on them."

"So...Non-existent."

"Yes."

I sigh. Gamabunta would weep if he could see this.

Nevertheless, I have a plan.

Five minutes later...

Don Phibianacci is sitting on a giant plate, coated in melted garlic butter.

The Krayt Dragon sticks his head out of the Cave, drawn by the smell , sees the Don, and rushes forward, jaws wide.

Don Phibianacci starts crying in fright.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY, MOTHERFUCKER!" I say, intercepting the dragon with a flying kick to the eye.

I backflip onto the Dragon's head, grip it using Force telekinesis, and then twist.

The dragon's neck snaps, and it falls limply into the sand.

"Not how I was planning on it, but oh well." I say.

I turn to the quaking Toad. "Thanks Don. I won't keep you any longer."

He gives a relieved sigh as he vanishes into smoke.

"I'm honestly disappointed the once badass toads turned into Hutts with legs. Why can't I have the badass allies I'm used to?"

_In a different galaxy entirely..._

A humanoid, with distinctly froglike features, wearing futuristic armor, addressed several others like him.

"Alright troops! Just to review, we are on a mission from the Dalatrass herself! Inside this structure, is a Prothean artifact. We are to acquire it by all means necessary. Recon reports there may be enemy activity, so look sharp! Check your gear, then move out!"

Each one grabbed a sleek looking rifle, and put on helmets made to fit their two pronged heads.

One of them looked to be in prayer, holding an emblem that looked like a stylized leaf.

"May the Second Sage guide us." He finished, and grabbed a futuristic grenade launcher.

A few minutes later, as they blew the entrance to the compound, the saime frogman said "As the Second Sage would say, DYNAMIC ENTRY, MOTHERFUCKER!" , firing his grenade launcher at the enemy.

"Will you knock that off! Everyone knows that he's a myth. A being that can make us pop out of thin air to help him in battle, in exchange for his energy of the spirit is completely rediculous." Another one says, firing his rifle.

"Knock it off you two, this is STG, not an extranet forum." Their leader says, scoring a headshot with a pistol.

On Tatooine...

"I miss having badass toads already...Wait a minute, didn't we get a shipment of Gizka?"

The others exchanged glances, and paled.

* * *

AN: I originally was going to do the Hula song from the Lion King for the Toad scene, but I couldn't switch it to talking about frogs/toads without messing up the cadence.

Also, Don Phibianacci is from White Knight Chronicles, and the primary reason I had both SotOR and OSC happen at the same time. Kind of a spoiler, but I'm going to have it so that OSC Naruto is actually talking to the Don when, he's summoned, then everyone gets confused as hell when he's suddenly not there anymore, and then returns covered in Garlic butter, sobbing uncontrollably.


	31. Chapter 26

_**SotOR**_

_**Dungeons of Dragons**_

Inside the cave, the Map was where I expected it to be. It looks like an ancient cave painting, but I know the secret. It's actually a seal. But that can wait. Bastila just found her father. What little that is left of him, at any rate. Some gnawed clean bones, some more crushed into powder, and over half of it just gone. There are some tooth marks on the Holocron he left, but the dragon mostly left it alone.

"I wasn't kidding when I said it wasn't going to be pretty." I say softly.

"I know. I needed to see this anyway." Bastila says in reply.

"Take all the time you need to say goodbye. I'll see if I can find something to bring the remains back in."

I actually do, sealed away in one of my storage scrolls, but I really don't think being interrogated over fuuinjutsu is really appropriate, so I'll just unseal it while I'm 'searching.'

She turns and looks at me in shock, apparently not thinking bringing him back with us was an option.

"Thank you."

"It's the least I can do."

I stealthily unseal a bolt of cloth, which I wrap around the remains, when Bastila gives the go ahead.

"So, where's the map?" Canderous says, apparently fed up with all the waiting.

"Over there." I say, pointing at the 'cave painting.'

"That looks nothing like a map. And a STAR Map would have to be three dimensional, at least. Not to mention have to compensate for the movement of said stars." He replied.

"Well, it's only one fifth of the map, for one. Two, that array is encrypted. Three, It requires the force to activate."

"Do you know how to break the encryption?" Carth asks.

"Do I how to break the encryption? Carth, I wrote the encryption."

"But isn't this thing really old?" Mission asks.

"Ninety-five-thousand years old, to be exact. But that doesn't mean I can't add security."

"I call bullshit." Canderous said.

"Prepare to eat that statement." I say, then channel chakra through the seal. The array glows blue, then seems to move off of the wall. The solid light genjutsu takes form, and the star map appears.

"Okay, that's cool. Say, how do you copy it to a datapad or something?"

"You can't. Instead, I'm going to memorize it, and then keep it in my head."

"You're going to memorize it by looking at it once." Mission said skeptically.

"Yep, I'm trained in memory enhancement techniques. Also, I already knew, So I just needed to refresh my memory."

"But you forgot it. That's why we're here."

"Because I used another technique to MAKE myself forget, because I didn't want to give it up during interrogation."

"Fine. Do what you want. But If I have to come out here again because you had a senile moment, old man, I swear・ She trailed off threateningly.

"Old man? Look, kiddo, As long as I'm young enough I can kick a dragons ass, and get a girls number in less than ten minutes, I'm not old."

"To be fair, she was drunk." Carth interjected.

"If it's what I think you're talking about, it was a bar. Of course she was. Or were you talking about the dragon?"

"The Sith you chatted up on Taris."

"That's what I thought. Well, it wasn't you she was hitting on, so you can shut it."

"Boys, stop it. We can discuss who's still hot later. For now, let's get the map memorized and move on."Bastila said.

"Hm, I think Basty's a little eager to judge that particular competition." I joke.

"Oh yes, I can't wait. In fact, let me give you YOUR verdict now. You fail."

I give a fake maniacal laugh. "Your journey to the Dark Side is complete, my apprentice. The galaxy shall quake in terror of our wit and sarcasm. The Jedi have failed this day."

She rolls her eyes.

"Seriously though, When we first met, you would have NEVER made a joke like that."

She freezes. "You're right." She says in surprise.

"Vhat are these paintings of?" Juhani asks, pointing at a painting of a squid like form. One I know all too well. I glare at the painting, as my fists clench.

"Those are Reapers. Automated warships that destroy all civilizations that they feel become too advanced. They destroyed the Rakatan Empire, for just one example."

"・Never heard of it." Bastila said.

"Exactly."

"No, I meant not even in history. The Jedi Archives have nothing on either the Reapers or the Rakatan."

"It happened fifty thousand years ago. Also, the Reapers are very good at wiping out all intel on them. The Reapers like to make a circuit through space, which takes them Fifty thousand years to complete. Well, since Someone destroyed one of their Faster Than Light relays." I say with a smirk, knowing who exactly did that. "The Republic has a grace period of about Four thousand years before they're a problem. Give or take a few centuries." I finish.

"How do you know all of this?" Carth asked.

That does it for my patience. I ROAR, and send a fist, covered in red Chakra, straight into the Reaper painting. My arm sinks into the rock up to the elbow, spider web cracks forming from the crater. Everyone recoils, both from my show of strength and the sudden burst of Killing Intent.

"Those THINGS, are the reason why I speak of my homeworld in the past tense. If I have to burn this entire galaxy to ensure they are wiped out, I will do so with a grin on my face. Believe It."

I regain my composure, and say "But, I'm pretty sure it won't come to that, as I have・a plan to deal with them, and It will be Four thousand years before it becomes an issue." I yank my arm free.

"Alrighty, well, I've got the map down, so we can drop off your dad and his holocron with your mom, and head to Kashyyyk." I say.

And so, we leave the cave.

* * *

AN:I know I said there will be no pairing, but quite honestly, that was back when Bastila was a stuck up prima donna. This new, less uptight Bastila I have accidentally created is actually making it a possiblity .The more I write the byplay between the two, the more it makes me think that it might possibly work. So, I want to hear from you guys. Do you want this to be Naru/Bastila, or stay the same? Or do you want me do go full on crack pairing and make it a Carth/Bastila? It will not affect the other stories, or the ending to this one, in the slightest.

The Poll is in my profile.

EDIT: Prior readers may notice I completely edited out the Fuuinjutsu discussion. It just didn't sit right with me, about how he said it wasn't appropriate for him to be interrogated about Fuuinjutsu, and then promptly deliver a lecture on the subject. Of course, I had to rearrange a few things to make it fit, but in my opinion it flows better this way.


	32. Chapter 27

AN: WARNING! Naruto pranking people ahoy!

The HK scene was semi-requested by Kythorian. You can bill HIM for the mind bleach.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Hyperspace Intermission II. Part I**_

After we return, Mission immediately heads to her quarters. Probably to mope over her ruined relationship with her brother. I suppose I'll wait a couple of hours, give her some time to vent. Then I'll help comfort her. Bastila heads to her quarters too, probably to grieve over her father in private.

If you include my outburst earlier, there's a hell of a lot of drama on this ship.

Alright, tomorrow, I'm doing something crazy, just to lighten the mood before it gets to the point where I have to help Canderous work up the nerve to ask a girl to prom.

In the meantime, however, I have Gizka to train…

A couple of hours later, I visit Mission.

"Go away." She tells me between sobs.

Oh boy.

I enter anyway.

I walk over to the bed, and start rubbing her shoulder.

"How you holding up?"

"How do you think?"

This is gonna be fun.

"Mish, some people are like that. Putting what they want before all else. No doubt he had some convoluted way of justifying it in his head. Anyone, and I mean anyone, can and will do horrible things if they have an excuse, even if they have to make one up."

"Even you?"

"Especially me. Former Dark Jedi, remember? You have no Idea how many times I did something most would consider horrible. All because I told myself, "It's for the plan. It'll all be worth it in the end. In a way, you're helping them. " Those things just... make it easier, and it really shouldn't be that way. Your brother did that. It hurt you. However, I can guarantee he never once said to himself "Oh, I bet that'll really make Mission miserable. Sounds like fun." No, he was a dick, but he never really meant to hurt you. It was just a byproduct, and something he filed under "Make it up to her one day," but sadly will most likely never do so. So, just...let it go. He didn't do it to be mean. So why should you treat it like he did? Just say, 'Eh, it happened. It sucked, but it happened.' and dust yourself off and move on. Only get like this when you know they did it for the sole reason of hurting you. And you know what to do then? I assure you it isn't crying."

"Hurt them back?"

"No, stop them. That's all."

"That seems...too simple."

"Who said it had to be complicated?" I say, as I get up and leave her to her thoughts.

**_HYPERSPACE, DAY 1_**

I sit in the main dining room, eating a cup of Ramen. Normal morning for me. Well it would be, but I'm in my Orioke form, wearing a black t-shirt form fitting pants, and Carth's Jacket, which I stole . And HK's wearing a Tux and toupee.

Canderous walks in, being the first one up besides me, as usual. "Mornin'." He mumbles, getting himself a mug of Caf. (Space Coffee, essentially.)

"Morning, Handsome." I say.

He whips back to look at me, confused.

"What the..."

"Surprised I'm up this early?"

"No, surprised you're suddenly a woman."

"What are you talking about? I've always been a woman. I mean, there are those who accused me of being a butch due to the fact I can kick their asses, but I've always had the Wonder Twins. Well, ever since I was thirteen, anyway." I say, motioning to my Orioke form's breasts.

Canderous began slowly backing out of the room, eying me like I'm some sort of dangerous animal.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Carth said, yawning as he walked in.

"Hey, hubby. Caf's on the counter."

"Oh, thanks. Wait, did you just call me..." He said, turning to look at me. He then noticed my 'additions.'

"Hubby? Yeah, why? Is that too cutesy, or something? Do you want me to stop?"

"Why are you calling me that in the first place?"  
"Well, we ARE married. don't you remember? we had a nice little service on Dantooine. Canderous was the best man, because we couldn't get Zaalbar to war a Tux. Mission made such a cute flower girl."

"No we aren't."

"Then why do you have my ring on your finger?"

He looks, and sees a wedding ring. I put it on him while he was sleeping last night. It's actually mine, from when I was married to Yuna. I'm wearing her ring, at the moment. While I'm kind of worried that this is somehow...desecrating it, I like to think she'd find this funny.

Carth goes white.

"Hmph. Better you than me." Canderous says, not having completely made it out of the room before Carth came in.

"What's going on?" Bastila said, walking in.

Canderous explains, "Carth is all of a sudden married to Naruto-"

"Naruko." I correct.

"-who is now a woman."

"What." Bastila says flatly.

"Greeting: Why, darling, pay this barbarian no mind. I assure you there is no trouble. At least none I can't handle. Although, I must say you are looking rather ravishing this morning."

"...Why did you call me 'darling'?"

"Dramatic Exclamation: OH! I cannot contain myself any longer! My behavior core glitches whenever you are around! I am constantly plagued by the elegance of your inefficient gait! Entranced by the pallor of your soft, meatbag flesh! I can barely get my vocabulator to function around you! You see, with your lovely brown obsolete photoreceptors, that my passion for you burns like a MK-IV Blastech Flamethrower! I know this is quite sudden, But Bastila Shan, will you be my bride?"

Bastila is speechless.

"Dramatic Simile: Let our love be like making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope... Knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds."

Bastila runs from the room screaming.

"Indignant exclaimation: There! I did it! May I please take this damn thing off now, Master?"

"Sure. You did good, HK."

"Boastful Statement: Of course. I am your finest creation, Master. Nothing less than perfection is acceptable."

"Well, you have a bunch of stiff competition in that regard, HK. But you're right. We are awesome, aren't we?"

"Statement: Damn Straight."

As the joke has run its course, I dispel the Orioke, returning to my previous form.

Zaalbar barged in, his body language urgent. "I think there has been an intruder. Someone has removed some of my hair during the night Fortunately, it isn't noticeable to most. When I went to check on the Cathar to ensure she did not befall a similar fate, I found she was drugged. I found some strange plant powder that was labled 'catnip', whatever that is."

"Don't worry Zaalbar, I'm sure she'll come out of it soon." I try to reassure him.

Mission drowsily stumbled in, sporting a massive brown beard, with waxed handlebar mustache.

"Bastila just came screaming through the corridor. What did I miss?"


	33. Chapter 28

Guest: Mace Windu's Vaapad was a style he invented himself, based on Juyo.

AN: Sorry about the long wait. My computer broke down, so I need to get it fixed.

Also, any English majors will want to murder me for one conversation in this chapter.

_**SOTOR**_

_**Hyperspace Intermission, Part II**_

* * *

"Okay, seriously, what the hell!?" Mission said.

I shrug. "One, You doubted my pranking prowess. I had to rectify that. Two, With all the drama going on, I felt I had to lighten the mood."

"And you transforming into a woman? What was up with that?" Carth asked, still freaked out a bit.

"Force technique, and technically an illusion. I've been capable of doing that for years."

"Does the council know you have that capability?" Bastila asked. Pft. Brownnose.

"Yup. I used it to break Master Vrook out of Kessel."

"Okay, that sounds interesting." Canderous states.

Do you really want to hear the story behind it?"

"…Against my better judgement, yes."

"Well, I don't have a problem with it, saying as we've got time to kill."

**_FLASHBACK_**

_It was about a decade ago, before the war. I was stationed at the Jedi Temple in Coruscant, along with my master, Arran Kae. I was working on HK-47. The first prototypes had a programming flaw that caused their processor to overheat and catch fire. I later found out it was because they were trying to logically process my actions._

"There isn't a computer in the galaxy that can do that." Mission sniped.

"Exactly, now shut up, I'm trying to tell a story here."

"Sorry."

_I was just about to place his arm on, when the door opened suddenly. My reflexes kicked in, and I threw my hydrospanner at one of the two intruders. One dove, the other didn't. And so the duke got the duchess, the duchess got the doge, and the doge got the duke._

"What?"

"It's a quote from an old vid. Nevermind."

_Anyway, one got beaned in the head with a spacewrench, and I attacked the second with HK's disembodied arm. At least I was going to, but Master Kae stopped me._

"_While it is good to remain vigilant at all times, Padawan, think before you go on the offensive. This is Master Vrook, and his apprentice, whom you hit with the hydrospanner, Malak Ishtar._

"Wait, as in Darth Malak?"

"One and the same."

"No wonder he hates you."

"Oh please. Of all the horrible things I did to him, that wasn't even in the top ten of the list."

_Mater Vrook looked at me, an expression of pure haughty-ness on his face. "Also, the Temple Guard would have already caught any intruders."_

"_I wouldn't trust the Temple Guard to get a cat out of a tree."_

"_And what makes you say that?" He asks, with a snarl._

"_Master Vrook is the commander of the Temple Guard, Naruto." Master Kae explained._

"_Well, I've been running a lightsaber smuggling operation for two years, and never got caught. That's why I say that."_

"_WHAT!?" Master Kae and Vrook both exclaim at once._

"_Well, when I was asked to make my lightsaber, I came up with multiple designs. I didn't have enough parts, so I had a friend custom make the parts and track some crystals down, and ship them in, where I made the finished product."_

"_So… It was all academic? You didn't sell them?"_

"_Yep."_

_The two masters sighed in relief. _

"_Why didn't you just tell the quartermaster you were doing research? I'm sure he would have given you the parts." Master Vrook asked._

"_We have a quartermaster? Why didn't anyone tell me! I had to make my robes myself! While I don't shy away from doing stuff like that, It would have been nice to have the option to!"_

_Master Kae facepalmed._

"_Well, I need to confiscate them until I can have a weapons master look at them, and ascertain the spare parts are of sufficient quality for safe use."_

_I shrug. "Keep 'em. There's no way I'm going to be using that many, anyway." I say, motioning to a closet labeled "__NARUTO'S STUFF__" Vrook opened the door, and a flood of lightsabers completely covered the man._

"_Whoops, forgot to mention that."_

"_There has to be over a thousand!" Kae exclaimed._

"_Closer to a thousand and a half. Two a day for two years adds up." I shrug._

"That's a lot of lightsabers." Canderous said.

"Yeah. In fact, if a Jedi ever gets a lightsaber from the quartermaster, it's probably one of mine."

"I don't believe you. I mean, 1500 is a lot, but with all the Jedi over the years…"

"Yeah, who are expected to make their own, and only make how many they need, and the lightsabers are burned along their maker when the Jedi dies, unless their Padawan calls dibs on it. That all means that there aren't many spares running around."

"That's actually true." Bastila says, reluctantly.

_Anyway, I got my ass chewed for having a small armory in my quarters and then I learned what Vrook and Malak came for. They wanted help shutting down a spice smuggling ring. Personally, I would be more focused on the slave rings, but that's just me._

_On the way there, Malak and I bonded._

"_Aren't you supposed to be meditating?" Malak asked, watching me as I put the finishing touches on HK._

"_You can go ahead and meditate. I, on the other hand, will mechanate."_

"_That isn't even a word."_

"_It is now."_

"_Because you said so?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Just because you said so doesn't make it a word."_

"_If you know what I mean when I say it, then it's a word."_

_So, when we got there, they forced me to stay with the ship, because I was in trouble for the whole "Having enough weapons on me to arm two and a half battalions" thing, and they got caught. Because Jedi and subtlety are often mutually exclusive terms._

"That's not true!" Bastila yells.

I just look at her.

"It's not!"

"Okay, Ms. "We're on a secret mission, and trying to avoid people thinking we're Jedi lest we compromise said mission, so I'm going to nag everyone in earshot about the Jedi code, and then leap thirty feet into battle, wielding a lightsaber, screaming 'The Force fights with me!', whatever you say."

"MASTERSTROKE!" Mission exclaimed.

Bastila at least had the decency to looked embarrassed.

_Resuming my story once again, I had to rescue them. But I had to be more subtle. So, I pretended to be a girl visiting her boyfriend. Kessel, despite being run by the cartels, actually tries to keep an appearance of a state approved prison, at least for the lower security prisoners, and as such, had a building where such visits were allowed. Coincidentally, my stealth-deficient comrades were holed up there, while they were processed._

_I strut through the main entrance, in my female form, wearing an orange tube top and daisy dukes, with calf high boots. I am seemingly chewing gum. The reason for the hooker outfit is to make sure the guards are more off guard than they usually were. People are more likely to do favors, and overlook protocol __**just this once**__ for, a scantily clad damsel, than a dashing, handsome rouge. Sad but true. _

"_Hey boys. I'm here to visit my Vrooky. Poor guy must feel so alone in this dangerous place, I just can't bear it! It's a good thing such strong, handsome men like yourself are here to look after him!"_

"Vrooky?" Carth asked.

"Hey, it's not like they were expecting a blonde 'airhead slut' to actually come up with an imaginative pet name."

"Actually, the part I'm having trouble with is that I can't believe you were pretending to date _Vrook."_

"I was actually planning on 'letting it slip' that I was after his life insurance and will, but it wound up being unnecessary."

_I'm laying it on pretty thick, but these guys are desperate. Kessel isn't exactly a summer resort._

_I manage to make it past security, as they are too busy 'frisking' me to actually do a thorough search. They lead me to Vrook's cell, and I stick my 'gum' on the door as they let me in._

_The 'gum' was actually C4. The explosive busts the lock, and not much else, although it does knock the guard on his ass. A 'wad of gum' portion of C4 isn't exactly enough to shake the earth. Having it in my mouth will probably make me sick later on, but small price to pay._

_While the guard's stunned, I steal his blaster, and a bolt from it ensures he stays down. I manage to break out Kae and Malak, however, by the time we make it outside, we're surrounded._

_And then our ship, flying low, runs over a good portion, and we jump on._

"_Wait. Who's flying the ship?"_

"_Greeting: It is good to see you alive, Master! I took out the smuggler captain while you were rescuing the Jedi."_

"_Good work, HK."_

"_Wait, you're letting that bucket of bolts fly the ship?" Malak exclaimed._

"_Retort: Wait, you're letting that bag of meat attempt to think? You _**know**_ that overtaxes his processor, Master."_

_I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing._

"_That is too funny. HK, New command. You are now ordered to refer to Organics as meatbags."_

"_Of course, Master."_

_END FLASHBACK_

"And that's how my ability to cross-dress saved Master Vrook from becoming a prison bitch."

"VHAT?" Juhani asked, entering just in time to catch my last sentence.

* * *

AN: The "duke got the duchess" bit was from _The Court Jester,_ starring Danny Kaye.


	34. Chapter 29

AN: Got my computer fixed!

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**May You Live Forever, Eli**_

Having finally arrived at Kashyyyk, I descended the ramp, HK, Zaalbar, Mission and Canderous in tow.

"Greetings! Welcome to Planet G5-623! The Docking fee is 100 credits. Although, I am afraid I don't see your ship on the docking schedule..." An Ithorian bureaucrat said.

"That's because we're not here. We're on Kashyyyk, not Planet G5-623. And therefore, we can't pay the docking fee." I say, using a Mind Trick on him.

"Oh, of course. Never mind then." He says, then walks off.

"Are you _ever_ going to pay the docking fee?" Canderous asked, amused.

"Not if I can help it." I reply.

Canderous laughed.

"I never wanted so see this place again." Zaalbar growled.

"Why's that?"

"I'm... Exiled. I am a mad claw. I learned my brother Chuundar had made deals with Czerka Corporation, to sell our people off as slaves. When I did, I attacked him. But I did it with my hands."

"So?" Mission asked.

"Wookies are of the belief that their claws are supposed to be used to create, and therefore using them to destroy is... a perversion of their purpose. Therefore, Wookies who willingly 'defile' themselves in such a way, are either insane, or people who had no interest in creating, only killing, and would therefore never have the inclination to be anything other than a criminal. And let me guess, your brother managed to use your 'insanity' to dismiss your claims." I explain.

"Exactly."

"Welp, I guess he's suffering an 'accident' while we're here then." I reply. Canderous and HK gleefully cock their blasters, producing a whine as they powered up.

"It is not so simple. My brother managed to make himself Chieftain."

"...Not seeing a problem here. Most assassination victims have political power."

"But then Czerka would use that to gain complete control."

"Ah. So, the only way to get rid of him without making things worse, is to unite all of the Wookies against them, so if they tried to take over, it would mean a very costly fight. That means a symbol of some sort, as well as arranging defamation."

"Yes. But I'm afraid I have no idea what we could use to do so."

"I'll figure something out." I then make a villainous laugh.

"You sound... confident you can pull this off." Mission said.

"Are you kidding? I started my whole career off doing something like this. They even named a bridge after me!"

"A bridge." Mission deadpanned, unimpressed.

"It was an awesome bridge. A national monument, almost. And keep in mind, I was younger than you are when I pulled that off."

Actually, I think I have an idea already...

_"JAGAN!" I mentally call._

_**YES FATHER?**_

_"Track down the Wookie called Chuundar. Prepare for AOS, on my command."_

_**ORDERS CONFIRMED. A WORD OF WARNING: IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL HOURS TO GET INTO POSITION. **_

_"That's okay. Thanks, JAGAN."_

_**I LIVE TO SERVE.**_

"Alrighty. Let's mosey, people." I say.

"Mosey?"

"Quit nitpicking, Mish." I reply.

After a brief walk, we come across a general store.

"Hello! Welcome to my store!" The man behind the counter said.

"Be careful, he'll steal the shirt off your back if you let him." Another man muttered angrily.

"Hey, Blame your crew. They're the ones who left you here."

_LIE!_ both the Force, and my own ability to judge people, screamed.

"Why don't you tell us the _TRUTH_." I say, putting the weight of the Force behind my words. This is both less gentle, and harder to resist, than a standard Mind Trick.

"Truth is, Matton, I killed your crew, and stole the money you owed me, in order to make you think you were still in debt, while I pocketed the difference. Wait, why did I just admit that!?

"Eli, You bastard! I'LL KILL YOU!" Matton, apparently, began to rush at Eli. I stopped him.

"Peace. Don't become a murderer because of scum like him. Canderous, HK, why don't you escort Eli here to the proper authorities?" I say, flashing hand signals at them.

"Acknowledgement: Of course, Master."

A feral grin appeared on Canderous' face. "No Prob."

They escorted him out of earshot of Matton.

"Why not just let me go? You have no proof. And even if you did, Czerka wouldn't do anything. Escorting me there would be a waste of time."

"Hm. He has a point. What do you think, HK?"

"Speculation: Well, If Czerka wouldn't do anything, how about the Wookies? They are the only other government on Kashyyyk. Although, they won't intrude in human affairs. However, according to my databanks, if it were a Wookie, they would exile the offender to the Shadowlands. Located right beneath us."

"Hm. why don't we exile him to the Shadowlands then?"

"Gleeful Answer: Why, that is a marvelous idea, Mando-Meatbag."

Canderous drew a Vibrosword he keeps on him for close quarters.

Eli put two and two together. "No! You can't do this! This is Madness!"

"Madness? THIS! IS! KASHYYYK!" Canderous yelled, than kicked Eli off the railing, down over a thousand feet into the Shadowlands.

"Man, It feels good to actually kill something for once, rather than it just being Naruto killing, pacifying, or mindscrewing people into submission."

"Emotional Reply: I feel the same way! I feel a strangeness in my behavior core! Is this, perhaps...friendship I am feeling?"

"Hey, knock it off with the mushy crap."

"Remorseful Statement: My apologies. Master has a penchant for melodrama, and programmed me accordingly.

"That's obvious. Anyway, job's done. Let's get back to the others."

"Acknowledgment: Affirmative."

* * *

AN: Sorry. The 300 reference was almost... (puts on sunglasses)Mando-tory. YEEAH!


	35. Chapter 30

_**SotOR**_

_**Assassination Averted**_

After Canderous and HK 'took care of' Eli, we made our way to Rwookoro, as for some reason, they were the only ones who built an elevator to the Shadowlands, where the Star Map is located. Damn lazy Czerka.

Speaking of which, an employee of Czerka is running towards us, screaming like a little girl.

"KINRATH SWARM! RUN!" He screamed, as he ran past us.

"He's exaggerating. Kinrath Spiders hunt in packs. They don't move in groups bigger than eight members..." I say, before what appears to be hundreds come around the bend.

"YOU WERE SAYING!?" Mission screamed, as she took out her pistol and began shooting, the others following suit.

"That's weird. Their pack instincts would tell them that the Kinrath not in their pack are enemies, so either they are ganging up against a common threat, which we are not, or...IT'S A TRAP!" I say, Igniting my lightsaber.

"WHAT!?" Mission shouts.

"THEY'RE UNDER A JEDI MIND TRICK!" I say, ducking, just in time for a sniper bolt to pass over my head. I begin slashing at the Kinrath, their numbers already dwindling due to Canderous's Gatling Blaster.

HK begins looking for the sniper, but is forced to abort and focus on the Kinrath Spiders.

"WHY WOULD THEY BE UNDER A MIND TRICK!?" Mission yells over the cacophony.

"THIS IS AN ATTEMPT TO ASSASSINATE ME! USING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF CANNON FODDER TO DISTRACT ME, A SNIPER TO ENGAGE FROM RANGE..." I yell back, before an explosion goes off, as a Kinrath steps on a mine.

"...AND MINES FOR WHEN I ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE IN CLOSE QUARTERS! AND WHEN I'M TIRED, THEY'LL SEND IN A DARK JEDI SQUAD! THEY'LL TARGET YOU FIRST, IN ORDER TO FORCE ME TO PROTECT YOU, WHICH WILL LEAVE ME OPEN!" I explain, over the various sounds of battle.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?"

"IT'S TEXTBOOK! _HOW TO KILL A JEDI IN 5 EASY STEPS, BY DARTH REVAN!_" I respond. Sure enough, three Dark Jedi , realizing the Kinrath will all be dead soon, engage me. Yet another heads for Mission... and gets torched by HK's built-in flamethrower.

"Cheesy One-liner: Looks like you need to cool off, Meatbag. Executing audio file: rimshot . m p 3."

"_So_ not the time, HK!" Mission says, firing her pistol at one of the Dark Jedi, as Canderous is mopping up the few remaining spiders.

"Exasperated Complaint: Put that thing away! If I see one more person shoot at a Jedi with a blaster pistol, I'll shoot them myself! At best you're only going to annoy him!"

"Well, what am I _supposed_ to do!?"

"Recommendation: With your current armament, I must recommend keeping your head down, and letting Master handle this." HK pauses, and pushes Mission to the ground, just in time for a sniper bolt to pass where her head was just moments before.

"Addendum: ...And that's why."

Zaalbar looses a mighty roar, then takes off into the trees, with an agility only a Wookie, a Konoha shinobi, or Tarzan can pull off.

Meanwhile, I'm fighting off three Dark Jedi. I Force Push one hard enough into a Wroshyr tree that he becomes embedded in it. Okay, two Dark Jedi. I'm using my trusty Djem-So stance, letting their attacks just bounce off of my gracefully moving saber, and viciously counterattacking when I get the chance. One such chance is given when HK fires what would have been a headshot, had the Sith he was aiming at not dodged. It did, however, leave his buddy open. I stab him in the gut, a truly slow and painful way to go, especially when you bring a lightsaber into the equasion. I solve that problem by spinning around him, and bringing my lightsaber down on his neck.

Okay, One Dark Jedi.

He realizes the odds are stacked against him, and as such tries to put all his strength into one strike. I block, but he's trying to tie up my ability to move, and it's kind of working. I say kind of, because I release one of my hands from my lightsaber hilt, so I'm pretty much holding off all of power weight using only one arm. Costly, and I'm losing ground fast, but it leaves my other hand open for a Wind-style Rasengan.

Which I shove into his gut.

It's like dropping a person into a wood chipper.

I'm going to need a shower.

All of a sudden, a man drops from above, gripping a sniper rifle. as soon as he lands, Zaalbar drops from the same spot, and lands on him. Zaalbar proceeds to beat the crap out of him with his bare hands.

"Huh, I think I recognize him." I say.

"That's Calo Nord. I'd recognize those goggles anywhere." Canderous says.

"Didn't I gun him down with an Anti-personell cannon, and then leave him in the middle of an artillery bombardment?" I ask.

"He's a tenacious little cockroach, I'll give him that."

"Okay, here's what we need to do. One of us has to chop his head off. Then HK has to use his flamethrower on the remains." Gruesome, but it's the only way to be sure.

"Dibs." Canderous enthusiastically states. Oh, yeah, they _do _kind of hate each other, don't they?

"Have at it." I say, before pulling Zaalbar off of Calo.

Canderous unsheathes his blade, and cuts Calo's head off. Then HK follows up with the flamethrower.

"Okay, now that we're _sure_ he's dead, let's head back to the ship before I start smelling like a tannery."

"Too late." Zaalbar said, having calmed down.

"What's a tannery?" Mission asks.

"A place where you leave dead animal skin to dry out, to make leather." I respond.

"So, a tannery smells like rotting meat."

"Yep."

"In that case, I agree with Big Z. Too late."

"Well, let's get to the ship so I won't have to _continue _to smell like a tannery."

"Thanks. Our noses are grateful."

"Go to hell, Mish."


	36. Chapter 31

AN:Okay, there are several things about last chapter I need to clear up.

1. SotOR Naruto can't use shadow clones. This is due to the Yin-Yang clone technique. Each Separate 'Naruto' retains different parts of his skill set, similar to how the Six Paths of Pain had different abilities, as the Yin-Yang clone is a bastardized reverse engineered version of that Jutsu. OSC Naruto gets shadow clones; a skill set that is kind of a spoiler, so I won't mention it here; and is better with elemental chakra skills; and is better with seals. SotOR Naruto gets Sage Mode and the Chakra Cloak, and is better with genjutsu. What that all boils down to, is that during that fight, _Naruto was actually in danger, and he knew it. _That's why he made no puns, no quips, nor did he talk at all besides to let the others know what was going on. He literally couldn't afford to. If this were Kakashi, this is a fight where he would be using his Sharingan from the get go.

Yes, he could have just blown them all away with the Force, or turned on his chakra cloak and went to town, but that would have destroyed the walkway, killing Canderous, Mission, Zaalbar, and HK. That was as perfect an ambush as the Sith could get, and If it weren't for Canderous mowing down the Kinrath, HK distracting the Dark Jedi, and Zaalbar taking care of the sniper, it's possible they could have all died, because without Shadow Clones, or his Uber AOE jutsu, the Kinrath swarm would have overwhelmed him, just like any other Jedi.

2. If you may recall, from the Wave mission arc, the method Naruto used to dispose of Calo was hunter-nin standard procedure. And keep in mind, the last time Naruto saw Calo, he just got shot by an anti-personnel cannon while being in the dead center of an orbital bombardment. When you factor in how difficult people are to kill in _Naruto_ canon, (Madara's been killed...three times? more?) I would think some would say Naruto wasn't being thorough _enough_.

3. Zaalbar technically wasn't supposed to beat up Calo with his bare hands, as that would make him a 'madclaw'. But keep in mind, he already _was_ one, and he was aware that no one on the crew but him really gave a damn. Add in the fact that Calo just tried to blow Mission's head off, and tried to do it to the guy he swore a life-debt to _before that_, makes for one angry Wookie.

4. The reason for the overdose of Caps Lock in the previous chapter was due to the fact a gatling blaster going full auto, over a hundred Kinrath spiders, and a four member lightsaber duel are LOUD. They had to shout to make themselves heard.

AN2: So, I guess I didn't botch the fight sequence too badly, as I feared I would. Although, I think this story might have jumped the shark...As I have made _HK_ of all people the comic relief character. Also, I keep forgetting about T3. I suppose I'll just say that's due to the fact he's the only full time mechanic on the ship, so he's busy keeping the ship in good repair.

SeanHicks4: "If I see one more person shoot at a Jedi with a blaster pistol, I'll shoot them myself!" Exaggerated? That's an actual in-game quote.

* * *

_**SotOR**_

_**Bungle in the Jungle**_

I exited my room on the _Tatsumaki_, freshly showered, and almost ran into Bastila, who looked...disdainful, for some reason.

"What now?" I sighed.

"Why didn't you continue on? Returning here only causes us to lose time!"

Oh no she didn't.

"Other than the fact that doing so would be completely STUPID? One, we were exhausted. Two, Canderous was almost out of ammo. Blaster cells last a while, but not so much at full auto for six straight minutes. Three, the scent of gore, that was LITERALLY covering me, would have drawn every carnivore and carrion-eater on Kashyyyk straight to us. Considering the above two, that might have killed us. FOUR, The Star Map has been there for almost one hundred thousand years. It's not going to go anywhere. FIVE, there was no real reason not to."

"No real reason?! Clearly you have forgotten that for every day we waste, hundreds, if not thousands, are dead!"

"That wasn't a problem for you during the wars. Why should it be now? Besides, we do NO one any good DEAD."

"Not a problem!? How can you say that!?"

"I didn't. YOU did. Or did you forget that I invited you to come with me when I shipped out with the JAAC? You shot me down. Said the Council knew best. Said it would be worth it when the Council was proved right, and the Mandalorians 'weren't a threat.' And guess what? That 'not threat' is the reason the only Jedi other than you on this ship is an endangered species. So, now, since you have NO combat experience, besides a failed assassination attempt, you don't get a say. You are the ambassador from the Council, an advisor, nothing more. When I need to know about Jedi doctrine, I'll come to you. Until then, _I_ am the Captain, and_ I_ head the squad. And that's for a reason. Because _I_ won't get them killed due to my pride!" I snapped.

And instantly regretted it, as I realized that on the two combat operations where she was in command,there was only one survivor besides her. Besides, she had a point about people dying if we procrastinated.

Maybe I was a bit unfair to her. Maybe I was just venting all of my pent-up frustration on her. But she didn't give me an opportunity to apologize, as she turned on her heel, and walked away, stone-faced. And honestly, I don't think I would have if she hadn't. She needed a wake up call. If re-opening fresh wounds would help her realize we needed to play this smart, and not rush in half-assed and get ourselves killed, no matter how good the intentions, it would be worth it.

I headed to the mission room. The rest of the crew, minus T3 and Zaalbar, were waiting.

"Everyone ready to go? Juhani, you're coming with, if you want."

"Of course." She replied.

"Wait, where's the big guy?" I asked.

"Big Z? He left. Said he wanted to 'talk' with his brother." Mission said.

"The brother who we're trying to assassinate."

"Yeah."

"The brother who we're trying to assassinate, because he had Zaalbar declared criminally insane in order to cover up his slave trade."

"Uh-huh."

"The brother who we're trying to assassinate, because he had Zaalbar declared criminally insane in order to cover up his slave trade, who is most likely under heavy guard at all times, and said guards will probably have orders, as will the Rwookorro Militia, to kill Zaalbar on sight."

"Sounds right."

"AND YOU _LET_ HIM?!"

"To be fair, we're talking about a dude twice my height, and four times my weight in solid muscle."

"Noted. Point remains. Letting him go was stupid. Hell, him _going_ was stupid."

"Not disagreeing with you there." Mission shrugged.

"Why? Why won't people just trust my judgement?" I mumble to myself.

"Because you're clearly insane." Mission sniped.

"'Cause they're civvies." Carth said, shrugging.

"'Cause they have a death wish." Canderous interjected.

"Speculation: They are suffering a flaw in their Logic Processors?" HK mused.

"They really do respect your wisdom, but think you are too focused on other things to assess things completely, and feel that you fail to factor in things like their personal code of ethics into your plans?" Juhani said.

I thought for a second. "While you're most likely right, Juhani, I like HK's better. Now, Let's go save Big Z and his faulty Logic Processor from himself. And his brother."

After the walk to Rwookorro, passing by our impromptu battlefield, we finally come across the city gates.

"You have been permitted entrance by the chieftain. Please respond to his summons immediately." The gate guard to Rwookorro informs us.

"I hope that means Zaalbar pulled off the coup on his own, and wants to see us." I murmur softly.

No such luck.

"You have come before the great Chuundar, Chieftain of Rwookorro. My Madclaw brother claims he owes you a lifedebt." Chuundar announces. Oh great. One of those Self-absorbed Prima Donna Evil Overlords.

"That's right." I respond.

"As I am a kind and generous chief, I am going to do you a favor. I will let his violation of his exile slide, and give you access to the Shadowlands, if you will do me one favor. Kill the Madclaw Freyyr, who resides in the Shadowlands."

"You would have them murder Father?!" Zaalbar roared.

"It is not murder to put down a rabid Kath Hound. Unfortunately, until you comply, I will have to keep my dear brother in confinement."

"Sure." I reply.

"Then go. I will ensure the lift operator knows you are coming."

As we leave the Chieftain's longhouse, Mission smacks me upside the head.

"What was that for?"

"We're going to off Big Z's Old Man? What the hell, Naruto?" Oh man, she must be angry. no nicknames or anything.

"We're_ saying_ we're going to, in order to gain access to the lift. Now, Chuundar wants Freyrr dead for a reason. That reason is that he's a threat to his power. Otherwise he would just leave him alone. That means, Freyyr can help us pull of the coup. But for now, we need to play nice."

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

* * *

AN: Sorry, no laughs in this one. Just drama.


	37. Chapter 32

Review reply:

SeanHicks4: Actually, I think I goofed. He says that in game in KotOR 2, not 1. My bad.

* * *

**_SotOR_**

**_Where I Kick Myself Because I Used Bungle In The Jungle As The Title Last Chapter_**

By the time we got to the Shadowlands, Carth, Canderous, and Mission were asleep, Juhani and I were in a meditative trance, and the only one alert was HK. Seriously, a four hour elevator ride, where no one could talk for fear it would draw hungry critters, kind of limited your options on how to kill time. Besides, getting some rest in before going into a situation in which you know you might get clawed, bitten, or shot at is always a good idea.

Once there, however, we immediately disembarked, and began a long and uneventful trek through the Shadowlands.

About an hour later, we came across a couple of Katarns attacking an old man.

Surprisingly, the old man was winning.

The bright green lightsaber might have something to do with that.

He decapitated one mid pounce, and when the other leaped at him, he grabbed it's jaw and held it with a single hand, a feat impossible for a man of his stature without supernatural aid, and simply said,

"Get. Off. My. Lawn." before Force Pushing it into a tree trunk hard enough to break the bark off ( a considerable feat, as the tree was the size of a skyscraper), where it got to it's feet, and ran off, yelping.

"Wait, what's a Jedi doing here?" Mission asked.

"I ain't a Jedi, missy." He said, walking over to us.

"...What's a Sith doing here?" She corrected herself.

The old man frowned. "I ain't a Sith, either."

"Then what ARE you?"

"Retired." I answer for him.

He stroked his goatee thoughtfully. "That about sums it up." He agreed.

"No, seriously, what's a Jedi doing here?"

"Mish, just because he uses the force and a lightsaber doesn't mean he's a Jedi OR Sith. That's like saying because you have lekku and boobs that you're an... 'exotic dancer' or a prostitute."

"I could be." Mission said, just to be cheeky.

"You better not be, young lady."

"You're not my real dad!" She said, jokingly.

"I'm real enough to smack you upside the head."

"Jedi, Sith, or none of the above, I don't think he appreciates us coming on to his property, only to ignore him in favor of bickering among ourselves." Carth interrupts.

"No, no, please continue! This is more entertaining than soaps... that I don't watch because I don't have a holoprojector." Jolee said.

"He has a point, though. It's good to see you, Jolee." I greeted.

"Yeah, likewise, Naruto."

"Wait, you two know each other?" Juhani asked.

"Yeah, We met when I was here with the Sith." I answered.

"What DID happen to the bald guy? I don't see him." Jolee inquired.

"He fell to the Psycho/Emo Side and tried to kill me. Twice."

"Really? That first part I can understand, but the second? I didn't think he was that stupid."

"To be fair, he made it a point to be several klicks away when he did."

"How did he pull that off?"

"Orbital bombardment. Both times."

"And you lived."

"I'm me."

"Point taken. So, what brings you here?"

"Same thing as last time."

"You're going to have issues with that."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, Czerka put a force field in the way. Tell you what. I saw them put it up. As such, I know how to shut it off. I'll do so, in exchange for a favor. There are guys from Czerka here, and they're too close to my place for my liking. Remove them, and I'll help you."

"Got it. Come on, guys. We have to get a bunch of crazy kids of this old coot's lawn."

"No respect for your elders. Kids these days..."

A short walk away, we found the men Jolee wanted us to remove, guarding what appeared to be four satellites dishes, but emitted a constant, barely noticeable whine. Sonic Emitters, designed to emit noises not able to be heard by the human ear, but incredibly irritating to animals. Keeps them away.

"Halt! Who goes there!" The man who appears to be in charge demands.

"Human Resource Management." I come up with on the spot. "We came to assess working conditions, and ensure it falls under mandated guidelines."

"Oh, thank the Force!" One of them sighed in relief.

I briskly walked up to him. "There's something wrong?"

"Well... It's just we've been out here for weeks. And these sonic emitters may keep the wildlife away, but they also prevent you from getting some sleep. And quite frankly, I think we could be better used elsewhere. Slap an automated blaster on the emitter and call it good. Also, we're here to harvest Tach glands, but no one's come for the ones we do have. I presume because this outpost is so out of the way." The guard confesses.

"Well, those are all valid complaints. I'll see about fixing that. CANDEROUS!"

"Yeah?"

"These poor men haven't been able to see their families for weeks due to these emitters. Why don't we fix that?"

Canderous grinned, pulled out a few grenades, primed them, and rolled them to each of the emitters.

The result was as you would expect. Four emitters destroyed, and five men with no reason to be there. With a nearby ravenous rancor providing those same five men a very good reason for not being there.

As they fled, I heard one shout, "Damn! I wish the HR department at the Tatooine branch was_ that _dedicated!"

"Human Resource Management?" Juhani asked, one eyebrow raised.

"It worked, didn't it?" I defended myself.

When we got back to Jolee, he smiled.

"So, I see you got those kids off my lawn after all. And, you didn't kill them. I'm pleasantly surprised."

"What is it with old men hinting that they want me to kill someone, while not wanting me to kill that someone, and being surprised when I DON'T kill that someone? I mean seriously, If you don't want me to kill them, DON'T ALL BUT ASK ME TO! And why does everyone assume that my Plan A is 'kill everyone'?"

"Because you're CAPABLE of it." Canderous answered.

"Because you're obviously insane." Was Mission's response.

"Speculation: Because it's more efficient than listening to everyone's pitiful meatbag woes and remedying them?" HK speculated.

"Because the people they ask you to kill are most likely going to try to kill you?" Was Carth's input.

"You have the mannerisms of a hardened soldier?" Juhani mused.

I glared at them. "Is this going to be a running gag with us?" I inquired.

"Possibly." Carth shrugged.

* * *

**_ENPSYCHOPEDIA:_**

**LEKKU:** Those Tail- like things that come out of a Twilek's head. Serve as a kind of antenna, as they are pretty much all nerves. Also, similar to a tail of a dog or cat, they move and twitch according to the Twilek's emotions.

**KINRATH SPIDERS:** I did some research after writing chapter 30, and that said kinrath spiders DO act like ants, and attack in swarms. I suppose I'll hand wave it as CAVE Kinraths acting like that, but JUNGLE Kinraths, like they faced, are forced to be more flexible due to terrain, and as such evolved differently. Kind of like Mountain Lions (Pumas, or cougars) and Lions. Both similar in anatomy and biological origin, but very different social structures and habits.

**TACH:** A small primate, with a gland that apparently can be used as ingredient for alcohol, including Tarisian Ale.


	38. Chapter 33

_**SotOR**_

_**Map Quest: Turn Right at the Terantatek**_

"Well, a deal's a deal. I'll help you get past the barrier. It should take just a moment." Jolee said. Sure enough, after a few seconds of messing with the massive gate, the force field deactivated.

And so, we began our long, arduous trek through the jungle.

After several minutes of walking, Mission spoke up.

"Hey, Naru, have you ever considered making an army of clones?"

It took all of my willpower to not burst out laughing.

"Where did THAT idea come from?" I replied.

"I think I just stepped in something, which I DON'T want to know what it was, and thought to myself, 'What if I had a minion clone to do all of this nasty crap?'"

"Well, If you want to make a clone, you have to be smart about it. Let's face it, the only upside to having clone minions is that they are both trustworthy and expendable. However, unaltered clones only are you _biologically_. They could wind up _completely _different from you mentally. And then you couldn't trust them, making them an unnecessary expense. You could hire a thug on Nar Shadda for a thousand credits, whereas a clone would take a hundred thousand, at least, and take several years. Therefore, you need to make them think like you. That means making a neural map of your current brain, then replicating it in vitro. This also gives the benefit of the clone having all of your skills and education. However, that would make them think that they ARE you. That's all well and good, until they notice that someone that looks like them and shares their name is living in their house, and using their money, sleeping with their girlfriend, and so forth. Depending on how you do the 'neural cloning', They either know that a clone was made, or they don't. If they do, either they think they're the original, or they don't. If they do _not_ think they're the original, they could develop the 'need' to separate themselves from your identity, and that could mean everything from developing a different taste in clothes, to becoming a serial killer. If they don't realize they are the clone, they can try to kill you to get 'their' life back, as the 'clone' obviously 'stole' it from them. If they don't realize there was a clone involved at all, they will kill the obvious 'imposter'. Therefore, the only feasible way to clone yourself with with any reliability, is to gender swap them. That way, they immediately realize that something's different, have concrete proof that they aren't the original, and have a built in way of distancing themselves. However, even then, the clone will not be willing to do anything you are not willing to do yourself. Therefore, for the aforementioned objective of 'having a minion to do all this crap for you', they will be useless. And as the MOST safe and ethical way of doing so involves GUARANTEED gender identity issues at the LEAST, I can't say I endorse it."

Mission just stared at me. "You have REALLY put some thought into this."

"Yeah, back when I was married, I considered making a backup copy of me, to keep her company in case something happened to me."

"How did that turn out?"

"It didn't. I outlived her, so I scrapped the project. Which is weird, because _I_ was the career soldier of the two of us. I pretty much had the life expectancy of a mayfly, yet here I am."

"I wasn't aware the technology to 'neurally clone' people _existed_." Carth commented.

"Not in the Republic. I actually invented it during my Neurology studies. "

"You're a Neurology major." Carth asked, skeptically.

"Technically, a doctor." I replied.

"What made someone like _you_ go into a field like that?" Juhani asked.

"Well, It all started when I tried to make a ... Well, mix between a security camera and spy satellite, would be the best way to describe it. On my homeworld, we weren't very technologically advanced."

"What do you mean by 'not very advanced?'" Canderous asked.

"I didn't learn what a blaster was until I was over thirty. Until then, it was pretty much swords and knives, until the FAL-CIE Renaissance."

"FAL-CIE Renaissance?"

"I'm getting to that. Anyway, I pretty much had no Idea what the hell I was doing, and so when I was programming the damn thing, I accidentally... gave it the ability to think."

"Like a droid."

"Yeah. It was pretty dumb in the beginning, but I saw potential in it, and so I began studying neurology and psychology, so I could... maximize the potential of my accidental invention. Neural mapping was something I got inspiration for halfway through my studies. Anyway, the artificial intelligence, called FAL-CIE, standing for Fuiinjutsu Artificial Lifeform - Cognitive Intelligent Entity, could process data faster than humans could, and that led to a massive scientific resurgence, and we went from having the most common form of travel being either on foot, or on the back of an animal, to having spaceships within a decade. Of course, that wound up biting us in the ass, but still. We called that the FAL-CIE Renaissance."

"So, you accidentally invented droids, studied neuroscience to understand what the hell you just did, and the droids invented space travel for your people. And you have seriously given in-depth thought to making a clone army." Carth summarized.

"Pretty much."

"Are you _sure_ you never tried to take over the galaxy?"

I couldn't help it. I burst out in laughter.

"That does _not_ make me feel safe." Carth muttered.

"Hey, I told you, I scrapped the idea. No worries." I said, in between laughs, as I struggled to keep myself under control.

Also, I spun my lightsaber like a baton, cutting down a kinrath mid leap, no doubt drawn by the noise.

"Alright, I think that was our cue to double time it, people."

And so our trek continued.

"Hold up." Jolee said suddenly.

"What's the matter, old man? Bust your hip?" Mission asked,

"No, we've got company. FREYYR!" Jolee shouted.

And then a wookie dropped down on us.

"Hello, Jolee. And who are these others with you?"

"We're assassins." I answer.

"...What?" Freyyr asked, incredulous.

"They were recruited by Chuundar, but they're only here because they're holding Zaalbar hostage. We need your help to free him." Jolee explained.

"Yes! Please, help us Freyyr, you're our only hope!" Mission pleads.

"We're on a mission from God." I say, putting on sunglasses.

"What?"

"Sorry, wrong Carrie Fisher movie." I explain, taking the sunglasses off again.

"Why did you even bring those? There is zero sunlight down here." Carth reasoned.

"You just never know."

"...I'm not even going to ask." Freyyr decided. "Although, If you DO wish to start a revolution against Chuundar, you are going to need Bacca's Blade."

"Oh crap. I _heard_ the capitals in that. Let me guess, I'm going to have to go on a planetwide trek to find the _one _volcano on Kashyyyk, where there will be a castle built over it, and It'll have a fancy name, like Dol-Guldur, and then I'll have to duel a necromancer to the death, or something of that nature. And rescue a princess at some point." I pause. "Wait, does Zaalbar count as a princess at this point? If so, that would really lighten my workload."

Mission put her face into her hands. "OH FORCE! NOW I CAN _NEVER_ UNSEE THAT! _WHY_ DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THE MENTAL IMAGE OF ZAALBAR IN A DRESS!?"

"Because I haven't traumatized you yet, today. I had to rectify that. Otherwise, you might get spoiled."

"I am one-hundred percent okay with that."

"Too bad."

"No, you don't have to do all that. You just have to kill a several millennia old beast of legend." Freyyr explained, trying to keep us on track.

"Oh, thank Inari. A mission objective that plays to my Modus Operandi."

"So, what? Will we find the blade in it's lair or something?" Canderous asked.

"No, you will find it within the beast itself. Long ago, a young chieftain tried to kill the beast to prove his own worth. The blade broke off in the creature's hide, and it healed over. If you wish to draw the beast out, you will have to prove your worth as a hunter, and bring kills of yours to the different ritual locations, and string them up. The scent will lure the beast, so you may do battle."

"So, kill things in order to kill the hard-to-kill thing. Got it." I summarize. "Well, best get to it then."

Killing the kinraths we needed was child's play, at this point. We then proceeded to the 'sacred hunting ground' where the beast would show up.

"Oh, FUCK." I say, when I catch sight of the 'beast'.

"What's wrong?" Juhani asked.

"That's a Terantatek."

"A what?"

"A Terantatek. A beast that hunts by tracking it's prey through the Force. It can resist most force techniques, It's hide repels lightsabers, and they're _smart_. Jedi years ago put together special Terantatek kill teams, and _mostly_ wiped them out. all but one of the Jedi that were sent died... and the survivor snapped, and became a Sith Lord."

"Uh, nice history lesson, but what does that mean?"

"A damn-near-sapient Rancor-ish beast that is specially bred to murder Jedi."

"Why isn't it attacking?"

"It's waiting for me to finish explaining, so then you'll know that we're fucked, so it can watch in amusement as we freak out before it kills us."

"...Really?"

"Yeah. They're _smart_. They're also, invariably, _assholes_. Did I forget to mention that? Because they are. Fortunately, I have experience in dealing with them. In fact, there's _one_ method that allows you to turn any fight with them into a non-issue, but I'll save that for next time. Now, to put my lightsaber away, as it's only going to tickle that bastard, and out comes Sakura." I say, equipping my Lanvarok.

I fire the buzzsaw-shuriken, which imbeds itself into the Terantatek's left eye. Enraged, it roars, and charges. I charge as well, but I leap to it's left at the last second, and swing at it's stubby legs, causing it's momentum to make it trip and fall face first into the ground. Before it regains it's balance, I hack away at it's softer underbelly, until it stops moving.

"Alright, I did the heavy lifting, so you guys look for the blade." I say, to the groans of Mission and Carth.

"Fortunately, I recognize this place, and know where the Map is from here."

I sit on a nearby root, while the others get the grisly task of dissecting the beast to find the blade.

"Oh, this is _so gross_." Mission whines.

"Found it." Canderous said, digging out a sword blade.

"How did you find it so quick!?" Carth exclaimed.

"I looked for where the scar was, Republic. Once again, you show the brain power that is so signature of the Republic military, which explains why they were sucking wind until Revan showed up."

"Hey, play nice, Canderous." I immediately interrupt, before Carth can retort.

Canderous scoffs, but does as I ordered.

"Alright. Unless you guys want to rest up, let's continue to the map."

"We haven't _done_ anything besides walk, and carve up a dead thing." Mission complains.

"Mish, while they seem boring, the missions where you don't have to do anything are the _best _kind of missions." I say, with Carth and Canderous nodding their heads in agreement.

"Whatever."

And so we continued on the path that would take us to the Star Map.

* * *

AN: Sorry about the wait. Hope the double-size chapter makes up for it. I was actually considering taking out the 'clone' discussion, or at least postponing it, until after the "Reveal". Let me know if you think it's to... out of place, as my first instinct thought it was. However, I had to give out backstory somehow, and it's better to have a little bit, every once in a while, than to have it all dished out at once. And before you ask, No, it's not just filler. I have plans for the information given out this chapter.

And before people say "Naruto, a Ph.D? WTF? Ph. Ds are a big deal, and Naruto's book dumb, you can't get one overnight, you're turning him into a Mary Sue", etc. Naruto was _over thirty_ before he left Konoha, as mentioned above. The Mandalorian Wars happened after that, and is ten years prior to this story. Meaning, he is over _fifty_. The information we get from canon is from when he's Sixteen-seventeen. That's over thirty four years to get good at it. Keep that in mind.

Also, yes, I am tying in Final Fantasy 13 into this. It'll just be background flavor, though. Though it should give better insight on what I meant by 'artificial bijuu' I mentioned almost 15 chapters ago.


	39. Chapter 34

**_SotOR_**

**_Can You Smell What JAGAN Is Cooking?_**

It wasn't long until we found the Star map.

However, It wasn't as easy as just walking up to it. There was a test, if I recall correctly. Sure enough, a hologram materialized, blocking us from the map.

"Please state your Identity and intentions. If you do not comply, Lethal force is authorized." The hologram, in the form of a human wearing an ANBU uniform and an ANBU Hawk mask, asked.

"It's me, Chizumaru." I say.

"'Me' is not an name. You have ten seconds... Wait. Lord Sixth? My apologies. I did not recognize you at first."

"No problem."

I must apologize even further, for I must ask a few questions to ascertain your identity."

"Go ahead."

"Hypothetical Scenario- During a mission, you are captured, along with one of your friends. Your captors, however, cannot keep you, as they cannot prove you were doing anything illegal. However, you can also go free, along with a reward, if you point the finger at your friend. There is one more catch, if you both point the finger at each other, they will detain you both until you can be ransomed back. If the friend points the finger at you, and you do nothing, you will be held in captivity until the day you die, and vice versa. What do you do?"

"Those who abandon their comrades are less than scum. I keep my mouth shut."

"Even though you have no way of knowing your friend is not selling you out."

"Yes. If he does, I'll just escape and then kick his ass."

"You cannot just assume you _can_ break out."

"Yes. I totally can. No prison can see _me_ coming."

"That is awfully arrogant."

"Not if you have a service record like mine."

"...Well, that does match your personality profile. Next Question- What is your favorite color?"

"What the hell? What kind of question is _that?_" Carth exclaimed.

"One you need to answer if you don't want the defenses cooking you alive."

"Orange." I reply, ignoring Carth.

" That is in accordance with your personality profile." Next question- You intercept a message from an enemy, revealing that they will have an opening in their defenses in five days, allowing you to win the war effortlessly. However, you also intercept a message saying that they will attack a major civilian target in three days. You can only choose one, otherwise they will realize they have a security breach, and change their plans. Choose."

"I replace the civilian population with decoys. They are saved, and secrecy is maintained."

"You cannot do that."

"Yes I can."

"No, you can't. That would be completely unfeasible."

"All I need is the Academy Three. You know what I'm talking about."

"... Be that as that may, you can't just make a third option when given an ultimatum."

"My whole _CAREER_ is doing that, Sparks-for-brains."

"... Personality Profile matches previously logged parameters. You may proceed."

"WHAT!? Why do _you_ get to pass!?" Jolee exclaims.

"What do you mean, Jolee?"

"According to my records, Mister Bindo has attempted to access the Star Map one thousand, two hundred, and seventy eight times, to no avail."

"... Why?"

"According to my logs, he visited roughly once a month after you and Malak left last time, until , on one visit, I bootlegged a few soap operas from the holonet just to humor him, and since then he has visited about once a day."

"...So he's like a stray puppy you made the mistake of feeding once."

"The simile is apt."

"You two can go to hell. No respect. Even the TV's giving me crap." Jolee mumbled under his breath.

I approached the Star Map, and committed its contents to memory.

"Thanks, Chizumaru."

"I live to serve, Lord Hokage."

"Please don't call me that. "

"My apologies."

With that, Chizumaru faded back into nothingness.

"Wait, that was it?" Jolee asked.

"Yeah."

"That wasn't what I was expecting."

"What _were_ you expecting? It's a Star MAP, not a ...Star...Launcher... Destroyer... Thing."

"Very eloquent." Juhani snarked.

"Shut up."

"You are a horrible influence, Naru. What happened to that sweet, pure Juhani we knew?" Mission sighed melodramatically.

"If you're going to be like that, you can _walk_ to the next Star Map, missy."

"Where is that, by the way?" Carth asked.

"Yeah, where are we going next?" Jolee asked.

"Wait, YOU'RE coming?"

"Yeah. You guys solved the _one_ mystery keeping me entertained down here. What else am I going to do, yell at Katarns to keep off my lawn until I kick it?"

"Fair enough. Welcome aboard, Jolee. Anyway, the next map will be far tougher than this one."

"Tougher than the one guarded by a several hundred year old Jedi Killer." Canderous said, skeptically.

"Yeah. It's a couple of miles away from Ahto City, Manaan."

"Isn't Ahto City a tourist trap? Built so offworlders had a place to spend their money because the rest of Manaan is one big ocean?" Carth asked.

"Yes, exactly."

"What's _that _supposed to mean?"

"If the Star Map is located several miles away from the only landmass on the planet, where is the Star Map?" I reason.

"Uh..."

"Oh, silly me. By 'away from', I meant 'under'."

"...The Star Map is on the ocean floor, isn't it." Carth finally put it together.

"Yep. Just us, on a leisurely stroll where's no light, air, or assistance. Just us, the water pressure that can crumple you like a soda can, and the sharks."

"There's sharks now." Carth said disbelievingly.

"Always have been, to be precise, Thompson."

"What did you call me?"

"Nevermind. Anyway, yes, there's sharks."

"...Why don't we get the other one. The one that's less dangerous." Mission reasoned.

"That_ is_ the less dangerous one."

"Why? Where's the other Star Map?"

"Korriban."

"...The primary Dark Jedi training facility." Carth stated more than asked, with a defeated sigh.

"That's the one."

All of a sudden, Carth pulled his blaster on me. Canderous and HK pointed their blasters at him, while Juhani and Jolee's lightsabers flew to their hands. Mission just looked startled and confused.

I did not react.

"Okay, I _was_ willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But this is too much. Who are you?"

"What are you talking about, Carth?" I asked.

"You told us you were a smuggler. You admitted the Jedi gave you that backstory. You said the information on the Star Forge, whatever that is, was wiped out when Bastila attempted to brainwash you 'for offending her sensibilities' , and you were a Sith before that."

"I didn't lie. Being a Sith is what offended her sensibilities."

He ignored me. "But that's not all. Bastila doesn't have the...Force-power to do that on her own. Nor does she have the kind of pull to get a fake identity for a former Sith. Which meant she had help. Which meant that this was bigger than just you and her. And now... You just happen to know where the maps to the Star Forge are. Something only the highest ranked Sith has any right knowing. And you are on a first name basis with the Dark Lord Malak himself. What the hell is going on!?"

"You're right. I was rather high in the hierarchy. In fact, In a lot of ways, I outranked Malak. You see, quite a few of Revan's fabled exploits were my own. Both Revan and I preferred it that way. Of course, Malak didn't like that, so he tried to take me out as well, when Bastila led her mission to assassinate Revan. Of course, they couldn't let a vital source of information out of their hands, when I was injured during Malak's own assassination attempt, so Bastila captured me, and, thinking I would never actively help them, the Jedi tried to mind-wipe me, leaving only my subconscious memories, which would lead them straight to the Sith's source of power. The Star Forge."

"So, what's your angle? Why help us?"

"I never wanted to see the Republic fall. I wanted it strong, as did Revan. Malak does not."

"Then why declare war on us, If he wanted to see a strong Republic?"

"Out in the Unknown Regions, there lies another Sith Fleet. They are preparing for war with the Republic, but won't be ready for some time. About a hundred years, in fact. Maybe more. They will use the same tactics Revan used against the Republic. You see, Carth, This war? It wasn't a war to us. It was a mere OPFOR exercise. Giving you a booster shot for the real disease on it's way. Malak's lost sight of that goal. So, I need to take him out. You see, if the Sith win, they will soon destroy themselves with in-fighting. And if that happens, the people of this Galaxy will be unable to defend themselves from the Reapers that I mentioned on Tatooine. And that is unacceptable to me."

Carth put his blaster away. Then he punched me. I just took it.

"All this death...Is just an OPFOR exercise to you."

"Yes. I don't like it either. Do you know the proper answer to the question Chizumaru asked? The one with the code? What I gave wasn't the right answer. The right answer was, 'leave the people to die'. Because when you're a leader... you have to make that call, whether you like it or not. Sad, but true."

Carth just began walking towards the elevator.

We soon followed, and were joined by Freyyr.

"I will prepare our warriors for the uprising. Meet you up top." Freyyr growled, and began climbing the tree as only a wookie can. That left us with the elevator operator, who was not happy that we turned on Chuundar. He began too shoulder his bowcaster, but was shot in the head by HK before he could.

"Statement: Master, If you would like to get some rest, I can operate the elevator while you do so."

"Thanks, HK."

Four hours later, we were back on the main walkway.

_JAGAN!_ I send through the Force.

_**I AM IN POSITION FOR AOS. TARGET LOCKED. IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL MINUTES FOR CONTACT.**_

_FIRE!_ I command.

With that, we joined the fracas and fought our way to Chuundar.

We arrived just in time to see Freyyr confronting Chuundar.

"Now, my wayward son, I will put an end to your tyranny!"

"No. That sword is too good a death for him. Chuudar, May you burn in the fires of your own sin!" I yell dramatically.

... Nothing happened.

"Give it a minute."

Chundaar Just began laughing at me.

Inari-dammit, where is it?

...Freyyr began to resume his fighting stance...

All of a sudden, there was an explosion of black fire, and by the time it burned out, there was nothing but a soot outline of Chuundar.

"Oh, _there_ it goes. Thy Smacketh hath been laid Down."

"Does he always speak in toungues?" Freyyr asked Zaalbar.

"Yes."

_**AMATERASU ORBITAL STRIKE WAS ON TARGET. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU REQUIRE, FATHER?**_

_Nah, I'm good. Thanks, JAGAN._

_**I LIVE TO SERVE.**_

And so, all that remained to do was to run out Czerka.

* * *

**ENPSYCHOPEDIA**

Chizumaru: Chizu means map in japanese. He's a Fal-Cie.

Amaterasu Orbital Strike: JAGAN was designed by researching the Sharingan. As such, he shares some of the abilities of the eye jutsu.

Academy Three: Clone, Transformation, and replacement Jutsus, needed to pass the ninja academy.

OPFOR: Opposing Forces. where a bunch of guys pretend to be the enemy so the others can get better at fighting them. Essentially, a spar.

Thompson: A comic book character from the _Tintin _comics. His twin brother's catchphrase, as well as his own, is 'to be precise.' Wasn't going to put it in there, but it was on the document before I could stop myself. Anyone who's going to get it, got it.


	40. Chapter 35

**_SotOR_**

**_Viva la Revolution!_**

Well, I said that _we_ would run out Czerka, but it turns out, the Wookies already did most of it. All that remained was the landing pad, where the Czerka hired guns set up a choke point and barricade.

Guess what was heavily armed and on the other side of the barricade, with clear line of sight of all the walkways?

I pull out my comlink.

"Tatsumaki, engage hostiles, hostile affiliation Czerka. Can be identified by their yellow uniforms."

"_**Affirmative.**_"

I wait for the explosions and blaster fire to die down, from outside the barricade.

When I enter, it's just a bunch of dead Czerka goons, and a scared out of his wits Matton.

"Yo, Matty. You might want to help yourself to a ride out of here." I say, gesturing to the landing pads with Czerka ships.

He takes off the second I stop speaking.

"Well guys, Off we go, to the wild black yonder." I say, heading towards the Tatsumaki.

"Actually, I heard the Wookies talking about a party." Mission said.

I sigh. "Fine, you can stay. Stick in the mud, make sure she doesn't get herself into trouble."

"I am not a stick in the mud!" Carth yelled.

"And yet, you automatically assumed I meant you when I said that."

"...Damn, you got me there."

"You're not going?" Mission asked.

"My late wife banned me from going to parties, well, with the intent to party, when my bachelor party wound up with thirty people dead."

"...You _might_ want to give us some context for that one."

"You see, I invited my friends along. Pretty standard. My best friend decided to bring his older brother along. I normally didn't have anything against the guy, but he was the spark that ignited the powder keg. I also made the mistake of bringing along a friend who could get drunk off of fumes...Which normally wouldn't be too much of a problem, but this guy was a black belt master of the precursor to the Teras Kasi, a martial arts style that _literally_ lets you rip people apart with your bare hands.

That was mistake number two. Mistake number three was letting another one of my friends choose where we went. He chose a...gentleman's club. Again, nothing wrong with that, but it bit us in the ass this time. You see, at this particular club, there was an officer working undercover as one of the...dancers, hoping to make a drug sting. And this particular officer had a history of anger management problems. So, most of my friends were drunk, and the one's who weren't were busy trying to keep the ones who were under control, when my best friend's brother happened. You see, he was a ventriloquist by trade, and when he got some alcohol in him, he thought it would be funny to throw his voice...let's just say, in places no voices should be coming from. The poor girl he chose to do this to just happened to be Officer Temper. Who responded by...throwing a thermal detonator at him. I deflected it, unfortunately, it went behind the bar. The bartender was killed immediately, and the alcohol ignited, and the bottles they were in became shrapnel. One of my drunk friends, the one who chose the club in the first place, decided to throw his glass of water on the blaze to help. However, he forgot his glass was full of vodka, not water, which didn't help matters. My black belt friend decided in his drunken stupor that we were under attack, and tried to 'defend us' by attacking the other patrons...and the firefighters. We managed to restrain him, but that meant that there were a couple of minutes fending off a crazed drunk that could have been spent putting the fire out. So, yeah. thirty people dead, and the officer who threw the detonator committed suicide over it. And because we all now how my luck runs, odds are that would happen again given the slightest chance if I am anywhere near the damn thing, because the universe just can't handle the thought that I might be having fun."

"...Okay, you staying on the ship might be the best idea after all."

"Yeah. See ya."

As I made my way up the ramp of the Tatsumaki, I bumped into Bastila.

"Oh! Naruto! Um, do you have a minute? I would like to apologize for my earlier behavior."

I hold up my hand in a forestalling gesture. "No apology necessary. You had a point. Getting to the Star Map as soon as possible was important. I will never deny that. However, if you are expecting an apology in return, don't hold your breath. While I might have been harsh, I had a point too, and being harsh got it to sink in quicker. And, well, the quicker you understand the situation, the less chance that you'll get hurt. And I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm like a drill sergeant. I'm an asshole because I care, and I'm trying to teach you so you don't get killed. Or worse."

"Worse?"

"Well, you could be tortured for one. For another, you're an attractive young woman..." I trail off, unsure how to phrase the next bit.

"Oh."

It proves unnecessary, though, as she gets it.

"By the way, Bastila, you're missing a party. I'll mind the ship. Go have fun."

"But we need to keep moving! We've been over this!"

"Yes. We have. And what did we learn? Haste makes waste. Take every opportunity you can to relax and unwind. We have the weight of the galaxy on our shoulders, but we need to set it down once and a while, otherwise it'll crush us. Go. Have. Fun."

"Very well. I shall return in a few hours."

"Hop to it."

I spend a couple of hours, making sure the fuuinjutsu arrays are as they should be, before turning in.

I stare at the ceiling, trying to go to sleep, when my door opens. It's Bastila.

"Yes?" I ask.

She doesn't answer, she just walks over to me, and to my surprise, kisses me.

She pulls away, and gives an uncharacteristic grin. "I wanted to see what that was like. It was nice."

She then kisses me again.

"What's gotten into you?" I ask, when she pulls away again. I could have sworn I tasted alcohol, but this is Bastila we're talking about.

"You're right. We should let off steam when we can. And I was... curious. I...I've had a crush on you since we trained on Dantooine all those years ago."

"Before the Civil war? Man, you were barely into training bras then. That's a long time to hold onto a crush, especially with my...actions afterward."

"I had mostly killed it. But when I got to see you again...I couldn't help but wonder what could have been. And now, I'm going to find out."

Dammit. Curse my bleeding heart.

The next morning, I woke up, feeling Bastila shift besides me. "Sorry, I'm a bit of a cuddler. If that's a problem, I apologize." I mumble.

She stiffens, and turns to face me. She then pushes me off the bed, and runs down the hall, screaming.

"If she was that uncomfortable with it, she could have just told me to knock it off." I mutter to myself.

I put some pants on, and exit the room, and bump into Mission.

"...Why did Bastila just run, naked and screaming, down the hall?"

Now, what do I tell her that will be the most funny? ...I think I have it.

"The condom broke." I lie.

"OH GOD! TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" She screams, and runs down the hall to her quarters.

I'm evil.

* * *

AN:

Bastila not drinking: Remember, Bastila was just _feeling _drunk from the force bond in previous chapters. She totally _did_ drink in this one. Naruto doesn't know that, though.

Thermal Detonator in Naruto-verse: He was altering the story so the others could understand it. There was no thermal detonator. It was a fire jutsu, which he deflected with a half- assed wind jutsu. (Half assed because he was drinking _and_ caught off guard.)

Bastila in training bras: I think I remember from somewhere that Bastila's nineteen in KotOR. Following that math, She would have been twelve or thirteen, maybe even younger, when the wars broke out. In this story, Naruto made several trips between the enclaves and the front lines during the wars, before officially being kicked out _after_ the war was over, so he snuck in and hazed the padawans for a few giggles to unwind, before shipping out again. Which is the only thing that makes sense, as the only spaceport on Dantooine is controlled by the Jedi, and Canon!Revan and Malak had to get to the ruins there _somehow,_ which they couldn't without being barred entry from the Jedi If they were excommunicated _before_ that.

Also, If I'm right about Bastila's age, Canon!Revan is at least a decade older than her too. Huh.

Drunk friend who recommended the strip club: It can really be anyone you want, but in my mind it was totally Kiba.

AN2: Also got The Manaan Boss fight chapter done today. Future warning: Not for the squeamish.


	41. Chapter 36

AN: I have received a couple of reviews indicating I wasn't very clear as to who the 'best friend' was, as well as his brother's identity. I thought the ventriloquist bit made it obvious, but apparently not. I apologize. The 'best friend' is Gaara, and the brother Kankuro. It is _not _Sasuke or Itachi, no matter how funny it is to imagine Itachi trolling 'dancers'.

**_SotOR_**

**_Hyperspace Intermission III_**

"...Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Was the first thing out of Carth's mouth, as he walked into the dining area. I merely shrugged in response.

As the others started trickling in, including a flustered Bastila, many began noticing my lack of attire.

"What's with the tats?" Mission asked.

"Depends on which one. You see, my people used to believe certain tattoos have magical power. The one on my stomach was actually given to me as an infant. You see, my hometown was attacked on the day I was born, and quite a few people believed a demon was behind it. So, They put this tattoo on me in a ritual to 'seal away the vile energies'. The one on my shoulder is does something else entirely."

I say, gesturing to where the tattoo lay, where my back meets my right shoulder.

It was of a hollow diamond, tilted at an angle, with crescents attaching to the northwest and southwest corners.

"That one keeps me alive, at the cost of never being able to enjoy the extended life it grants me. I call it the Seal of Torment."

"Um, what do you mean, 'it keeps you alive?' And 'never being able to enjoy the life granted?'"

"If the 'magic' in it actually existed, and did what it was supposed to, I ,theoretically, could walk out the airlock, wait an hour, and then come back in, and not only survive, but be fully functional. However, It would keep me conscious for every single second that my blood boils, my skin detonating off of me, as well as my suffocating and freezing to death, among other things. It would also do so in a more abstract sense, as It would twist fate and chance to screw me over every chance it gets, which would explain a few things."

"All that from a tattoo." Carth said skeptically.

I shrug. "Hey, it's folklore."

"So, why'd you get _that _one?"

"So I could fight. I got it because I believed that if I died before those who decimated my people, I would fail both my comrades and my rank. And If I had to suffer in exchange? So be it."

"Your...rank?" Juhani asked.

"Well, the closest comparison you would know of is Mandalore."

"...You once ruled a nation."

"Yup."

"...I shudder to think what the political system on your planet is like, if it would let you be their undisputed ruler." Bastila commented.

"It was a meritocracy."

"Are you kidding? You? Politics?" Mission exclaimed.

"Nope. I got my position because I was the closest thing to a weapon of mass destruction they had. I was seventeen at the time. Unfortunately, I accidentally started a war my first year in office."

"Sounds right." Jolee snarked.

"Well, It was more that we were in a several century cold war, sometimes interrupted by actual war. The fourth such war was just winding down, When one of the other 'nations' noted that a few of the members of the terrorist organization that kicked things off were from my nation. They tried to accuse me of planning the whole war, In order to weaken them, Ignoring the fact that I did most of the heavy lifting, and was only a grunt at the time. I got promoted after the war was over, as my predecessor's health was failing, and she named me her successor."

"I thought that it was a meritocracy."

"It was. It's just when they were looking for a successor, my victories in combat stood out, and the fact she was practically my grandma just meant my name was near the top of the list. I wouldn't have gotten it if they thought I couldn't handle it. Unfortunately, I couldnt pawn off the peace talk to a more experienced diplomat, which is why the summit that started the Unification War started with them baselessly accusing me of warmongering, to try and sucker me into taking a raw deal, and ended with the quote, "I can make shit up too! How about this one? You fuck goats in your spare time, asshole! Now can we get on with the peace talks now that the bullshit portion is out of the way?" They didn't take that very well, as you can imagine, and so the Unification War began. Three out of five nations declared war, despite the fact we just got over the last one, and one sided with us. We were the fifth. Fortunately, I just stumbled on the Fal-Cie, and invented our first spy sattelite on accident. That really took the wind out of their sails, as most of our warfare relied on subterfuge, espionage, and stealth. The fact I could see all of their troops at any time really tipped the scales. Couple that with the fact I was a walking weapon of mass destruction, and you can see why I call it the Unification War."

"Why do you..."

"Because there were five major nation, and a couple dozen minor ones when we started. At the end, there were two."

"You conquered your home planet."

"No, just a continent. However, I did marry the closest thing to a princess one of the other nations had, and the leader of my allied nation managed to form an alliance with one of the three larger nations on the other Continent. And just happened to be dating a princess from there as well. So, between the two of us, we owned or were allied with... about seventy percent of it. Maybe as much as eighty."

"While we're on that subject, did you ever have any kids?" Mission asked.

"No, Yuna and I kept putting it off. And after she died, well... I kind of lost the urge to do so, thinking it wouldn't be right, having kids with a woman that wasn't her. So, I got a vasectomy, as my job sometimes requires... undercover work."

"THANK GOD!" Bastila exclaimed.

Everyone turned towards her.

"...that there aren't more of you running around." she saved.

"I'll drink to that." Carth said.

"That's Caf, Carth." I point out.

"So?"

"Normally people are talking about booze when you say that, Republic." Canderous observed.

"Since when did normal ever have _anything_ to do with this ship or crew?"

We all murmered in agreement with his logic.

"Now will you _please put on a goddamn shirt?"_ Jolee implored me.

"Fine." I say, before heading to my cabin.

* * *

AN: So, backstory. Exposition. Bleh.

Also, I will be posting a link to a picture of Naruto's Torment Seal in my profile. Some of you may understand the significance of it.


	42. Chapter 37

AN: In the previous chapter, I mentioned a vasectomy. Several people have expressed confusion as to why his ability to regenerate didn't fix it. For those of you who thought similarly, the answer is that he applied a seal to do effectively the same thing, but didn't want the others to think he placed that much faith in a 'magic tattoo', especially something with such...potential consequences. For reference, If a friend walked up to you, after 'spending the night' with someone who...wasn't known for celibacy, and told you s/he 'went natural', you would be concerned for their health. If they told you, 'naw, it's cool. I have this tattoo. that should _totally_ keep me from catching diseases'. You would be concerned for both their mental AND physical health. Naruto knew, and wanted to avoid that.

AN2: Also, just a heads up, but I did alot of editing in chapter 26 (31). As such, all mention of fuuinjutsu to the crew is gone. The whole, 'I don't want to answer questions about seals, so I'm going to be sneaky using them' and then giving a full blown lecture on them not two minutes later has been bugging me for months, so now it's fixed. Also replaced the word 'chakra' with 'Force' in 25(30).

* * *

**_SotOR_**

**_Meetings in Manaan_**

I walk in to the lounge area, to inform the others that we are nearing Manaan.

"...So, then Cassius broke from cover, shouted, '_Ib'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amu, shabuir!' _and then tossed the frag grenade, and then there were Weequay guts _everywhere_." Canderous regaled.

"...Canderous, I get it. You're proud of your ability to murder. But can you keep your grisly war stories _away_ from the kid? A little girl shouldn't be exposed to such things." Carth interrupted.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean!? Do you think I'm too weak to handle a _war story?_ What kind of spoiled brat do you think I am!?" Was Mission's retort.

"No, I'm saying _he _shouldn't be forcing them down your throat! Look, Mission, I'm just trying to look out for you!" Carth responded.

"You're going about it the wrong way, Republic. You want to protect her, teach her to protect herself. Ke barjurir gar'ade, jagyc'ade kot'la a dalyc'ade kotla'shya."

Carth looks ready to retort, but I defuse the situation by intejecting,

"Gar solus tome, gar solus dar'tome, gar me'dinui an, gar ba'juri verde."

Canderous pales, and replies, "Copaani mirshmure'cye, vod? Ne shab'rud'ni..." He trails off threateningly.

"Udesii. Dar'vabiir shabiir haar birikad." I retort.

He throws a coffee mug at me, thankfully empty. I catch it.

"Um, mind telling those of us who _don't_ speak Mandalorian what's going on?"

"Well, Canderous and Carth were discussing the finer points of child-rearing, so I decided to point out they were acting like a married couple. Canderous didn't think it was funny." I explain.

"So, what did you come for, besides giving me crap?" Canderous said, still sulking.

"To tell you we'll be landing in the hour. Who's coming with?"

"Well, I should be making contact with the Republic base here, to give them an update." Carth said.

"Alright. but don't tell them what we're looking for. If a Sith spy gets a hand on that information, it could make our future infiltration of Korriban that much more difficult." I warn.

"I've been on classified ops before. I know the drill." Carth reassured.

"Okay, who else?"

Juhani, Jolee and Mission raised their hands, Zaalbar growled his agreement, and Bastila gave a nod of confirmation. HK moved to my side, ready to go.

"Alright, Canderous. It looks like it's going to be you and T3. Don't take the ship for a joyride while we're gone!"

Canderous just gave a malevolent grin.

"Aw, that was an option? Can I change my answer?" Mission spoke up.

Note to self: Buy a CLUB for the Tatsumaki.

When we landed, we got accosted by, you guessed it, a bureaucrat.

"Welcome to Manaan. however, we do not see you on the docking list. there will be a 100 credit docking fee."

"But we filled out a waiver the last time I was here. Form F-230113, I believe."

"I see, and your name?"

"Shibari Kusanagi." I reply, dusting off an old alias.

"Very well. Enjoy your stay on Manaan."

After we exited the docking bay, the bureaucrat turned to the docking operator. "Lock the bay down. Find this Shibari in the records, and charge him the docking fee, as well as a 1000 credit fine. Don't open the door until it clears. If you do not find a Shibari Kusanagi in the records, charge it to him personally when he gets back. Form F-230113 my ass. Everyone knows that's for mortgage refinancing."

"I didn't." the dock operator said.

"...Okay, I got my house refinanced last month, and I had to fill out three of the damn things."

"Okay, I got him on the records. Strange, His bank account number is he same as the one for the Sith base here on Manaan."

"He must work for them. Charge it."

"Done."

"Alright, cancel the lockdown. And put a note on the ship saying. "Nice try, wiseass. Maybe you can try and explain the 1100 credit fine to your boss as an encore."

"Yes, sir."

"It's days like this I love my job."

"Naruto, what happens when they realize you were bullshitting them? Won't that be worse than paying the fee?" Carth asked.

"Yeah. They'll find Shibari Kusanagi's bank records and charge him a fine, as well as the 100 credit fee. Oh, did I mention Shibari's bank account happens to be the same one as the one for the local Sith base's business expenses? What a coincidence, right?"

"...You are evil, and very petty."

"Well, I _do_ have a reputation to uphold."

"Oh, the one for 'longest streak of unpaid docking fees'?"

"Yup."

As we headed to Ahto City's main hub, I looked at the local cafe, and bolted towards it.

"Hey there, gorgeous. Can I sit here, or are you waiting for your boyfriend?" I ask the woman sitting alone in the open air restaraunt. Everyone but Bastila looked at me in shock. Bastila glared at me with all her might.

"If you are serious, you need both new eyes, as they must be worse off than mine, or a new brain, for thinking a line so insipid and uninspired would have any chance of success. If you are not, Surely you need a new heart, for having the cruel audacity of trying to falsely encourage an old woman." Came the retort.

"Aww, you know I love you, Master Kae."

"...Ah, of course. How are you, Naruto?"

"Doin' fine. Just here on some business. How's Bri doing?"

"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen her since her father stole her from me."

"I thought I sorted that out."

"Beating someone within an inch of their life, then breaking their neck, is not 'sorting it out.'"

"Really? I thought that was totally valid in Echani culture. I even did it competely naked like he asked." I pause. "That wasn't just an excuse to have full access to a strapping young lad like me, was it?"

"He has six _other_ children proving it wasn't. Besides, you're thinking Mandalorians."

"What, the homoeroticism? I mean, when I was doing my linguistics studies, I came across some thinly veiled steamy poetry, but that was always directed towards their 'battle brothers', not people trying to kill them."

She smacked her forehead.

"No, the 'murder is the solution' mentality."

"Oh."

"Not that you'd care. You were always one chorus of 'Vode An' away from embracing their culture completely."

"I KISS A GUY _ONE TIME_, ON ACCIDENT, AND I'M BRANDED! NOW THERE ARE PEOPLE PHOTOSHOPPING ME NAKED WITH ANOTHER DUDE, _WRITING SMUT ABOUT ME BONING DUDES, _AND NOW MY OWN MASTER IS IN ON THE ACTION! WHEN WILL IT CEASE!?"

"... I was talking about the murder, again."

"Oh. Well, I'm embarrased now. Can I try that again?"

"No."

"I'm pretending I can. Okay, so what happened with Bri? With her dad out of the picture, getting custody should have been a snap. What happened?"

"While Yusanis was no longer around to actively fight me, it turns out when a man is murdered, jilted lovers are very high on the suspects list." Master Kae said drolly.

"Even though I said Revan did it?" She raises an eyebrow, probably at my hint that I didn't consider myself Revan. I sent a message of 'play along' across the force bond all Padawans and Masters share. She got it.

"You see, Naruto, the truth is, she had more opportunities available to her as the daughter of the late Yusanis than the daughter of a homeless acetic."

"She'd have her mom."

"Yes. A bitter, angry old woman. I can see why she would pass up a life of privelege for that."

"She would."

"If I asked, perhaps. But that would be a cruel thing to do, for my own greed."

"Naruto, who is this?" Bastila butted in.

"...My former Master, Arran Kae. C'mon, keep up. Master Kae, meet Bastila Shan."

_"Please_ tell me you didn't ...breed with her. She's old enough to be your daughter."

Bastila recoiled in horror, paling and blushing at the same time. It was... kinda weird.

"Hey, we've been over this. You don't ask, I don't tell. Or give details. Or sound effects. Or puppet shows."

"Puppet shows? You can't possibly be serio-" Bastila scoffs.

I interrupt by pulling out two felt hand puppets, one looking like me, the other Bastila.

"Hey baby, wanna felt me up?" I say in a false bass.

"Oh baby, you're sooo soft... I wanna feel more!" I say in a false soprano, before moving them together and making kissing noises, while rubbing them together.

"That's enough. Your point is made. And you, Miss Shan, the first thing you need to learn about him is that he has no ability to feel shame or embarrasment. Also, he takes phrases such as 'you can't' and 'that's impossible' as challenges. And for you, Naruto, when I think of how I consider being the one who taught you my greatest achievement, I weep."

"Love you too, Arran."

"...Where did you even _get _those..." Bastila stared at the puppets with a thousand yard stare.

"I made 'em. I was bored. So, what brings _you_ here, Arran?" I ask, getting back on track, putting the puppets away.

"Meeting with my two new apprentices, Sion and Nihilus."

"Wha-_you're replacing me?"_ I ask with faked shock.

"No, just bored, and I always thought of myself an educator first and foremost. Retirement doesn't suit me."

"Well I, for one, enjoy being freelance. Choose your own hours, not having to clean up after subordinates, no mandatory meditation hours, it's great. Really allows me to get some R&R in."

"And have time to make hand puppets."

"Yup. Life's simple pleasures."

"The operative word being 'simple'."

"I know that was a crack to my intelligence, and I'm ignoring it. So, nice chatting with you. Don't be a stranger. "

"And you as well."

I then met back up with the others, who had the decency to give me some space, though well within earshot.

"YOU were the guy responsible for Yusanis' death!?" Carth inquired.

"Uh-huh."

"Uh, was that supposed to be impressive?" Mission asked.

The comlink in her hand sprung to life. "Yusanis was one of the Republic's top generals. He was said to be able to give even Darth Revan a run for his money."

"And you fought him _naked_?"

I shrugged. "It's their culture. Something about allowing full range of movement. And how long have you been on the line, Canderous?"

"Since you started hitting on a woman twenty years older than you. And what was that about 'almost being Mandalorian?'"

"There are alot of parallels of my home culture and yours, and it makes me a bit nostalgic. So sue me."

"Hah! Like I'm going to ridicule you for having good taste. Ke nu'jurkadir sha Mando'ade!"

" Gar droten nari Ba'slan shev'la?"

"Shabuir."

* * *

AN: Finally figured out the double space feature on my new writing software. Hope this makes a difference.

ENPSYCHOPEDIA:

CLUB: Not sure how common these are, It's been years since I've seen one, but it is a device you put on your car steering wheel to prevent theft.

**TRANSLATIONS:**

**Ib'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amur**: Today is a good day for someone else to die.

**Ke barjurir gar'ade, jagyc'ade kot'la a dalyc'ade kotla'shya: **Train your sons to be strong but your daughters to be stronger.

**Gar solus tome, gar solus dar'tome, gar me'dinui an, gar ba'juri verde:** You are one when together. You are one when parted. You will share all. You will raise warriors. (Naruto replaced _mhi_ (we) with _gar_ (you). In the Original form, It is a traditional Mandalorian Marriage vow.)

**Copaani mirshmure'cye, vod? Ne shab'rud'ni: **Are you looking for a smack in the face, buddy? Don't mess with me. (Ne shab'rud'ni is an extremely strong warning likely to be followed by violence.)

**Udesii. Dar'vabiir shabiir haar birikad:** Calm down. You don't want to mess up the baby harness

**Ke nu'jurkadir sha Mando'ade:** Don't mess with Mandalorians

**Gar droten nari Ba'slan shev'la:** Your people are strategically retreating/dissapearing

**Shabuir:** Asshole


End file.
